Thursday, March 21, 2013

No longer screaming

** Loss mentioned (not mine) **


I wrote this almost exactly a year ago. It's incredible how far we've come. We're not without trials and heartaches, and there are certainly moments where I wonder if I will ever find my center again. But the good days far out-number the bad. I remember the time so vividly when I would cry silently at my desk literally every day over something and hope no one came looking for me. I won't lie. I get stuck on some things here and there. Certain thoughts cause a lump in my throat or put a damper on a day. But I am - over all - something I couldn't see myself being a year ago: happy. I am, truly. I feel a sense of purpose. I feel loved and secure in my marriage. I feel over-whelming support from family and friends.

One story feels especially poignant and representative of where I am now compared to then. Recently, a coworker, E - who had baby #1 through IVF - lost her spontaenous baby #2 at 20 weeks. She wasn't someone I'd ever really talked to. I sat near her, and was able to hear conversations she had about going through IVF for #1, but I was never actually introduced to her and so I never really talked to her. (I know. You're thinking this is weird. But this is coming from someone who didn't speak to her dorm neighbors until Halloween-eve because they didn't talk to me either. And then I became besties with them. I'm just weird with social stuff sometimes.) A coworker, S - with whom E shares a baby-sitter - had told me she lost Baby D because I'd asked HER (not the expectant mom, of course) only weeks prior if E was pregnant again after over-hearing a conversation between the two of them. E asked S to tell people at work about the loss so they wouldn't ask her when she returned to the office. For whatever reason, I decided to sack up and offer my condolences to someone I didn't even really know and I confided in E that while I didn't know about child loss, I knew the struggle of infertility and that I was just so incredibly sorry. And then we had, like, an hour-long conversation. About all of it, totally comfortably, just like I would with the girls of my Resolve group. I'm not sure of what her support system entails, but I got the impression that she hadn't been able to discuss the loss with someone who knew the IF side. I felt so thankful for the progress made over the last year that allowed me to put myself out there and be a comfort for someone else.

Point is, I no longer feel like I'm screaming. I'm sharing, shouting, informing. It feels amazing to be a year out from Screaming Underwater.

3 comments:

Laura said...

That is so great that you were and are able to share your strength with others!

Kathy4678 said...

SO proud of you!

Katib77 said...

Aw, I got a lump in my throat of pride reading that! Your screaming underwater post last year rang so true with me at the time and I'm so glad you've made it past above and beyond in such a great way. <3