So, he may pop up now and then. I don't know exactly what role he'll take. Mainly, I'm thinking comic relief. You know, take it out on the sperm now and then. In a funny way.
Friday, May 25, 2012
Introducing Spencer
After reading a very awesome blog by my pal, Kristy, who suffers from PCOS, I've gone and done something... a little nutty. You see, Kristy got herself a plushie, an ovary she named Olivia (she also has an egg and a sperm, but they've yet to make their true mark). She takes Olivia everywhere, from Bass Pro Shop to her RE's office and Walmart. And she helped me to discover that Olivia has friends, namely a sperm plush. And so, I adopted Spencer.
Don't let the Comic Sans and bow fool you. He's one bad ass sperm doll (yeah, according to Amazon, he's a "preschool toy"). And he's judgy, clearly. But he has a soft side: Spencer enjoys gardening, movies, and dancing to LMFAO.
So, he may pop up now and then. I don't know exactly what role he'll take. Mainly, I'm thinking comic relief. You know, take it out on the sperm now and then. In a funny way.
So, he may pop up now and then. I don't know exactly what role he'll take. Mainly, I'm thinking comic relief. You know, take it out on the sperm now and then. In a funny way.
Friday, May 4, 2012
Graduation
Last night, Buddy joined me at my therapy session. It was a little weird because my therapist was running about 20 minutes late, and it was kind of awkward to not know how long to wait. I knew I had an appointment - it had been confirmed, but this had never happened before, and she doesn't have a receptionist in the building, so...? Buddy was about 15 minutes late, so we wanted 5 minutes together and decided we'd only wait 5 more, and she opened the door about 2 minutes later. So, better late than never.
It was kind of strange to be there with him. I had told him a couple months ago about the types of things I've talked about because I didn't want him to be caught off guard by any topic that might come up, but it felt odd to have him there. Normally, the session is just a conversation, more or less, between me and my therapist. She'll ask how I'm doing and if anything in particular is bothering me, and then we just kind of have a conversation until a topic sticks and then she might ask me to elaborate. She basically leads me through talking to a solution or clarity on whatever it is I'm working through. With Buddy there, I didn't have any specific agenda with him there - it was just so meaningful to have his support in the room. It took a little longer to start the conversation, but some really good things did come out of it.
We talked for a bit about how Buddy handles things and how we kind of react to each other. For a while now, I've had a hard time wrapping my head around how this can be such a traumatic thing for me and he can just be like, "it is what it is." The fact of the matter is, he IS sad, but something that's probably as basic as the difference between men and women allows for him to not think about his biological clock constantly. He's also not surrounded by a community (on The Bump, through blogs, on Facebook) of women that remind him of the situation. It's not a bad thing that that community is around me, it just is. I also had no idea that he actually is comfortable telling people that we aren't having kids and indicating that fertility is the reason. I know he has told people we aren't having them, but last night he said that his coworkers know it's because we can't (yes, I realize we chose not to do treatments, but left on our own, we consider ourselves unable, or at the very least highly unlikely, to have them).
In the beginning of our infertility experience, we talked about it often. I mean, it was hard not to. It was on our minds a lot and it was an incredibly emotional time in our home. But it fell out of his thinking much more quickly than it did mine. I don't bring it up much because I don't want him to feel bad because the bulk of our infertility is on his side. What I didn't know is that he doesn't bring it up not because he feels badly or because he doesn't think about it, but because he doesn't want to "trigger" me. From the conversation with the therapist, he's a lot more aware of when I'm triggered than I thought he was. I keep a lot of it to myself because sometimes, I have a bad week and everything gets to me, but apparently I'm far more transparent - at least to my husband - than I thought. So basically, in the same way I'm been shielding him from my emotions, he's been trying to help my in his own way by avoiding upsets. I think moving on from here, we can be more open and communicate more feelings and know that they're not bad to express and we aren't going to hurt each other with them.
Anyway, the very exciting thing for me is that I graduated from therapy. The last couple of sessions before this one have been less emotional and I didn't feel like I had as much "stuff" to talk about. We still talked obviously, but I didn't come into those sessions with a mental list of things that I wanted to cover. So we decided that we'll just play it be ear, and see how it goes. I didn't make my next appointment, and I don't intend to. I know I'm welcome to contact my therapist if I have a small issue that I want perspective on, and she asked me to keep in touch. I feel incredibly lucky to have found her, because I think she was just the right fit for me. I'll be forever grateful for her help and guidance. As cheesy as it may sound, she is a part of this process for me, and she'll always be thought of in kind regards as a big reason that we were able to get through this time. It was the absolute best thing I could have done for myself. It's the end of yet another phase for me, but I'm looking forward to taking what I've learned and reflected on carrying it with me.
It was kind of strange to be there with him. I had told him a couple months ago about the types of things I've talked about because I didn't want him to be caught off guard by any topic that might come up, but it felt odd to have him there. Normally, the session is just a conversation, more or less, between me and my therapist. She'll ask how I'm doing and if anything in particular is bothering me, and then we just kind of have a conversation until a topic sticks and then she might ask me to elaborate. She basically leads me through talking to a solution or clarity on whatever it is I'm working through. With Buddy there, I didn't have any specific agenda with him there - it was just so meaningful to have his support in the room. It took a little longer to start the conversation, but some really good things did come out of it.
We talked for a bit about how Buddy handles things and how we kind of react to each other. For a while now, I've had a hard time wrapping my head around how this can be such a traumatic thing for me and he can just be like, "it is what it is." The fact of the matter is, he IS sad, but something that's probably as basic as the difference between men and women allows for him to not think about his biological clock constantly. He's also not surrounded by a community (on The Bump, through blogs, on Facebook) of women that remind him of the situation. It's not a bad thing that that community is around me, it just is. I also had no idea that he actually is comfortable telling people that we aren't having kids and indicating that fertility is the reason. I know he has told people we aren't having them, but last night he said that his coworkers know it's because we can't (yes, I realize we chose not to do treatments, but left on our own, we consider ourselves unable, or at the very least highly unlikely, to have them).
In the beginning of our infertility experience, we talked about it often. I mean, it was hard not to. It was on our minds a lot and it was an incredibly emotional time in our home. But it fell out of his thinking much more quickly than it did mine. I don't bring it up much because I don't want him to feel bad because the bulk of our infertility is on his side. What I didn't know is that he doesn't bring it up not because he feels badly or because he doesn't think about it, but because he doesn't want to "trigger" me. From the conversation with the therapist, he's a lot more aware of when I'm triggered than I thought he was. I keep a lot of it to myself because sometimes, I have a bad week and everything gets to me, but apparently I'm far more transparent - at least to my husband - than I thought. So basically, in the same way I'm been shielding him from my emotions, he's been trying to help my in his own way by avoiding upsets. I think moving on from here, we can be more open and communicate more feelings and know that they're not bad to express and we aren't going to hurt each other with them.
Anyway, the very exciting thing for me is that I graduated from therapy. The last couple of sessions before this one have been less emotional and I didn't feel like I had as much "stuff" to talk about. We still talked obviously, but I didn't come into those sessions with a mental list of things that I wanted to cover. So we decided that we'll just play it be ear, and see how it goes. I didn't make my next appointment, and I don't intend to. I know I'm welcome to contact my therapist if I have a small issue that I want perspective on, and she asked me to keep in touch. I feel incredibly lucky to have found her, because I think she was just the right fit for me. I'll be forever grateful for her help and guidance. As cheesy as it may sound, she is a part of this process for me, and she'll always be thought of in kind regards as a big reason that we were able to get through this time. It was the absolute best thing I could have done for myself. It's the end of yet another phase for me, but I'm looking forward to taking what I've learned and reflected on carrying it with me.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Get me off this roller coaster
For the last 6 or 8 months, my cycles have consistently been 28 or 29 days. I can feel when I ovulate on the left (I seem to O more frequently on that side) and I have my pesky spotting for 3 or so days before CD1. This last cycle was different. I couldn't feel O, my typical pre-CD1 symptoms came and went and my cycle was 32 days with very little spotting on CD31. Not my typical cycle. Basically, for the few days I was "late," I was freaking out.
All sorts of things went through my head. We'd avoided when I assumed my fertile window would be (since I'm not on progesterone supplements and am worried about the possibility of miscarriage), but if my cycle was long, I was off on that and something could have happened. What if I was pregnant? I just painted the craft room purple! It would have to be a girl. How would Buddy react? What about all the work I've done in therapy to be okay with childfree? What about financially? We could afford a baby, but not saving for a baby as of the last 6 months has meant more expendable income. Did I want to give up my pricier haircuts and our dinners out? I kind of like having money to spend on stuff for me. What about our plans for remodeling things in our home or finally having a vacation? A baby would mean that would get put off a while. What about insurance? My insurance sucks now, and maternity care would be so much more than before. I know we'd figure it out, but did we want to anymore?
And I realized something. I wasn't sure I wanted to be pregnant with a surprise. Over the last 6 months, I've come to a place where I enjoy life with my husband and we have new things to look forward to. We're having fun making plans to refinish the kitchen cabinets and reface the fireplace. We're enjoying things like gardening, and I'm focused on my side business and he has time to go dirt-biking. Life is good - something I couldn't have envisioned 6 months ago. I found myself incredibly confused. How could I have feelings like this when we'd been so devastated 8 months ago? When my cycle finally ended, I found myself relieved, and I knew it was time to do something.
We've talked about it off and on over the last few months. Hope is great, but it's also exhausting. Suddenly thinking for the first time in 8 months that there could have been a chance, slight as it may be, shot me back to our TTC days of hoping and hoping and then being let down. I hate the feeling. And so, I'm going to do something I read about in "Sweet Grapes," something to affirm our decision. At the same time, it's something that seems counter-intuitive to my grief. I'm going to the doctor and I'm inquiring about an IUD. I realized I'd enjoyed not having the ups and downs of TTC, and after being thrown back into it by three simple days, I wanted my serenity back. Yes, I'm still sad at not having children, but unless I - er rather, we - change our minds about this decision we've made, it doesn't feel fair to me to ride the emotional roller coaster anymore. I want certainty and consistency. If we're going to move on, I want to move on. I want some control. I'm confident that I want to focus on this to-do list Buddy and I have been building and working on. I'm relieved to be letting go of this part of it.
All sorts of things went through my head. We'd avoided when I assumed my fertile window would be (since I'm not on progesterone supplements and am worried about the possibility of miscarriage), but if my cycle was long, I was off on that and something could have happened. What if I was pregnant? I just painted the craft room purple! It would have to be a girl. How would Buddy react? What about all the work I've done in therapy to be okay with childfree? What about financially? We could afford a baby, but not saving for a baby as of the last 6 months has meant more expendable income. Did I want to give up my pricier haircuts and our dinners out? I kind of like having money to spend on stuff for me. What about our plans for remodeling things in our home or finally having a vacation? A baby would mean that would get put off a while. What about insurance? My insurance sucks now, and maternity care would be so much more than before. I know we'd figure it out, but did we want to anymore?
And I realized something. I wasn't sure I wanted to be pregnant with a surprise. Over the last 6 months, I've come to a place where I enjoy life with my husband and we have new things to look forward to. We're having fun making plans to refinish the kitchen cabinets and reface the fireplace. We're enjoying things like gardening, and I'm focused on my side business and he has time to go dirt-biking. Life is good - something I couldn't have envisioned 6 months ago. I found myself incredibly confused. How could I have feelings like this when we'd been so devastated 8 months ago? When my cycle finally ended, I found myself relieved, and I knew it was time to do something.
We've talked about it off and on over the last few months. Hope is great, but it's also exhausting. Suddenly thinking for the first time in 8 months that there could have been a chance, slight as it may be, shot me back to our TTC days of hoping and hoping and then being let down. I hate the feeling. And so, I'm going to do something I read about in "Sweet Grapes," something to affirm our decision. At the same time, it's something that seems counter-intuitive to my grief. I'm going to the doctor and I'm inquiring about an IUD. I realized I'd enjoyed not having the ups and downs of TTC, and after being thrown back into it by three simple days, I wanted my serenity back. Yes, I'm still sad at not having children, but unless I - er rather, we - change our minds about this decision we've made, it doesn't feel fair to me to ride the emotional roller coaster anymore. I want certainty and consistency. If we're going to move on, I want to move on. I want some control. I'm confident that I want to focus on this to-do list Buddy and I have been building and working on. I'm relieved to be letting go of this part of it.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Mother's Day Guilt
It's coming, whether I'm ready for it or not. Mother's Day. Once just a day to celebrate my own amazing mom, it's now a reminder of something I'm not celebrating. Actually, it's just like any other holiday over the last year, but this one is more painful somehow.
Holidays in general suck when IF is part of your life. My birthday, for instance, is now associated - at least for me if not anyone else since I don't expect anyone else would remember the significance of the date - with finding out about Buddy's MFI. Christmas, as a family-focused and magical-for-kids holiday, is a reminder that there aren't enough stockings hanging on our mantel. Thanksgiving reminds me there's something missing from my list of blessings. Halloween makes me think of all the cute themed costumes we could do as a family. Valentine's Day? Eh, don't really care about it between me and Buddy, but it was a day that my parents always made special for us and I had visions of pink-and-red-wrapped gifts and heart-shaped pancakes for my little loves. Pretty much any holiday on the calendar brings with it pictures from friends of cute kids in some kind of outfit and "baby's first _______" onesies.
Mother's Day is different. Last year at this time, we'd officially passed the one year mark, but we didn't yet know what was going on. I was down-hearted, for sure. Buddy got me a card from the pups and we got together with my parents. This year, I just want the day to be over with as soon as possible, and that comes with a special kind of guilt because we each have a great mom who deserves celebration and recognition. At Christmas, I felt okay asking for a little consideration - I wanted to be in my home where I was comfortable emotionally, and they obliged me. But this holiday isn't about me. It's about my mom and Buddy's mom. As much as I'd rather plant myself in bed with a pitcher of margaritas for the day, I want so badly to express to them both how much we love and appreciate them. I wish I could just say that we're going to go away for the weekend, but both our siblings live out of state and I can't bear to leave our moms without one of their children on their day. That's just not fair to them.
It's hard to feel so torn. I know what I will do - whatever our Moms want to celebrate their day - but my heart aches just thinking about how I feel left out. Normally, my mom and I would have made our family's Mother's Day plans by now (Buddy's family does things more on the fly). This year, I don't have the balls to bring it up, and I feel bad about that. I don't ever want to take away from anyone else because I hurt inside, but this one just sucks so much.
Holidays in general suck when IF is part of your life. My birthday, for instance, is now associated - at least for me if not anyone else since I don't expect anyone else would remember the significance of the date - with finding out about Buddy's MFI. Christmas, as a family-focused and magical-for-kids holiday, is a reminder that there aren't enough stockings hanging on our mantel. Thanksgiving reminds me there's something missing from my list of blessings. Halloween makes me think of all the cute themed costumes we could do as a family. Valentine's Day? Eh, don't really care about it between me and Buddy, but it was a day that my parents always made special for us and I had visions of pink-and-red-wrapped gifts and heart-shaped pancakes for my little loves. Pretty much any holiday on the calendar brings with it pictures from friends of cute kids in some kind of outfit and "baby's first _______" onesies.
Mother's Day is different. Last year at this time, we'd officially passed the one year mark, but we didn't yet know what was going on. I was down-hearted, for sure. Buddy got me a card from the pups and we got together with my parents. This year, I just want the day to be over with as soon as possible, and that comes with a special kind of guilt because we each have a great mom who deserves celebration and recognition. At Christmas, I felt okay asking for a little consideration - I wanted to be in my home where I was comfortable emotionally, and they obliged me. But this holiday isn't about me. It's about my mom and Buddy's mom. As much as I'd rather plant myself in bed with a pitcher of margaritas for the day, I want so badly to express to them both how much we love and appreciate them. I wish I could just say that we're going to go away for the weekend, but both our siblings live out of state and I can't bear to leave our moms without one of their children on their day. That's just not fair to them.
It's hard to feel so torn. I know what I will do - whatever our Moms want to celebrate their day - but my heart aches just thinking about how I feel left out. Normally, my mom and I would have made our family's Mother's Day plans by now (Buddy's family does things more on the fly). This year, I don't have the balls to bring it up, and I feel bad about that. I don't ever want to take away from anyone else because I hurt inside, but this one just sucks so much.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Resolve
Last night, I went to my first Resolve support group meeting. I love my individual therapy, but I was really curious to see what a group session was like. So to "celebrate" NIAW, I went. I'm so incredibly glad I did! It was as fun as you could hope for when you're at an infertility support group. There were 4 other ladies there, including the leader. One had PCOS, one was unexplained, one had MFI, and the leader has DOR (diminished ovarian reserve) and eventual POF (premature ovarian failure).
In addition to being a mix of issues, ladies were in various stages of treatment. The unexplained couple had done 3 IUIs and was in the process for their first IVF when they decided it wasn't for them. They've put all treatment on hold until something speaks to them. The MFI couple is in their 1st injects IUI cycle, and the PCOS couple is preparing for their first RE appointment. I carry with me an insecurity (which I know is silly) about not being able to relate to ladies who've been through treatment and its roller coaster of emotions. The leader has actually not been through treatment either - her egg donor backed out at the last moment and any treatments are now on hold. So she related to my feelings of having not been through failed treatments.
We were there for 2.5 hours, just sitting and talking. We covered so much in that time: dumb things people say, how our husbands deal, how we deal, how IF makes us feel like we need something more fulfilling than our current jobs, charting, what we mourn most because of IF, misconceptions from our 8th grade health class, how we're feeling about Mother's Day coming up. I love how I can talk to the ladies on the Bump about all these things, but there was something wonderful about having that face-to-face.
I would definitely recommend attending a group if there's one in your area. You can find the listing here.
Oh, in relation to Resolve Groups but on a kind of amusing note, I was looking at the list of groups in my area. There are meetings for IF, PAIF, and adoption across the metro area, as well as a group for men. The IF, PAIF and adoption groups meet in restaurants and cafes. The men's group? Meets at Dave & Buster's.
In addition to being a mix of issues, ladies were in various stages of treatment. The unexplained couple had done 3 IUIs and was in the process for their first IVF when they decided it wasn't for them. They've put all treatment on hold until something speaks to them. The MFI couple is in their 1st injects IUI cycle, and the PCOS couple is preparing for their first RE appointment. I carry with me an insecurity (which I know is silly) about not being able to relate to ladies who've been through treatment and its roller coaster of emotions. The leader has actually not been through treatment either - her egg donor backed out at the last moment and any treatments are now on hold. So she related to my feelings of having not been through failed treatments.
We were there for 2.5 hours, just sitting and talking. We covered so much in that time: dumb things people say, how our husbands deal, how we deal, how IF makes us feel like we need something more fulfilling than our current jobs, charting, what we mourn most because of IF, misconceptions from our 8th grade health class, how we're feeling about Mother's Day coming up. I love how I can talk to the ladies on the Bump about all these things, but there was something wonderful about having that face-to-face.
I would definitely recommend attending a group if there's one in your area. You can find the listing here.
Oh, in relation to Resolve Groups but on a kind of amusing note, I was looking at the list of groups in my area. There are meetings for IF, PAIF, and adoption across the metro area, as well as a group for men. The IF, PAIF and adoption groups meet in restaurants and cafes. The men's group? Meets at Dave & Buster's.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Awareness
April 22-28th is National Infertility Awareness Week! After much discussion, some talking with my therapist, and compromises with Buddy, he and I decided that I would be participating in a public way, meaning on Facebook. Buddy is private, and I totall understand and respect that. I, on the other hand, feel drawn to speaking out about this, in an effort to both educate and to help other couples like us not feel so alone. I've hinted here and there on Facebook about our frustration, but this will be the first time that I state facts about IF and will openly acknowledge that this is our struggle. Also, Buddy's concern (and a possibly valid one, even if I don't want to admit it) was that I would get hot-headed and get into an argument if someone questioned me on certain topics. I think he fails to realize how often I'm faced with questions, though, and that I feel confident that if I can answer calmly in a face-to-face encounter, I can handle myself from behind a keyboard. Besides, while we may not have made the same choice everyone else would, if my "friends" can't at least respect it, they don't really need to be in my life. I'm fully prepared to do what I can to explain our stance calmly and respectfully and delete people if necessary. Harsh reality.
Anyway, I've been compiling a list of facts and such that I might use for status messages. I don't want to go overboard with them, but I do want what I say to have an impact. Feel free to use any of these for yourself or to feel inspired.
- One in 8 American couples deals with infertility. That’s greater than 10% of the population. Infertility is defined as inability to conceive within 12 months (or 6 months if over age 35). The source is a male issue in 35% of cases, a female issue in 35% of cases, a combined issue in 20% of cases, and unexplained in 10% of cases.
- Relaxing, adopting, taking a vacation, getting drunk and screwing in the back seat, and not thinking about It aren’t solutions to fertility issues.
- Impatience is not a fertility problem. With only a 20% chance of success in any given cycle, it can take a healthy couple with perfect timing up to a year to conceive. If you've tried for a year without success (or 6 months if over the age of 35), schedule an appointment to speak with your doctor about a referral to an infertility specialist.
- Adoption is not a cure for infertility. While it’s an opportunity to parent, it doesn’t solve the biological problem and the psychological side effects. Telling an infertile couple, “just adopt and you’ll get pregnant” is insensitive. There is no “just” about adopting, and it doesn’t cure the cause of infertility. Choosing to not adopt is not selfish. It’s also not the job of infertile couples to adopt orphans and foster children. So before you say, “just adopt,” ask yourself this: “how many children have I tried to adopt?”
- Deciding to live childfree is an acceptable and positive end to infertility. Choosing to be childfree means embracing life as a family of two. It is not an easy decision, and there is no less grief, but couples who choose to be childfree are worthy of love and support, too. For more about childfree living after infertility, check out Sweet Grapes by Jean and Michael Carter.
- Infertility doesn’t just affect the ability to create a biological family. It puts stress on relationships, wallets, and emotions. Relatively non-invasive procedures can cost $400 each, with IVF costing roughly $15K. And that doesn’t begin to cover the cost of the medication cocktails to make the procedures happen. It also doesn’t address the roller coaster of emotions of that treatment brings.
- Insurance companies often don’t cover infertility treatments, despite the fact that infertility is a health problem. Many sources of infertility are diseases that cause sub-optimal health. Infertility affects quality of life for many couples. Any other disease that caused such physical and emotional distress would be treated and covered by insurance, yet treatment of infertility is an out-of-pocket expense for most couples.
- Clomid isn’t candy, and its purpose isn’t to create multiples. It should be used under proper supervision of a specialist to avoid situations like “Jon & Kate Plus 8.” Likewise, the goal of infertility treatments is to create ONE baby, and even that can prove to be very difficult. Yes, the chances of multiples is always something to consider and more realistic with treatment, but it’s not the goal.
- IVF doesn’t always work. It’s expensive, emotionally draining and physically difficult. It’s a very involved process with many opportunities for things to go wrong. IVF isn’t feasible for everyone, and trust me when I say that you’re not suggesting something an infertile couple hasn’t considered.
- God doesn’t punish couples with infertility. It’s a health problem, not a punishment. Infertile couples aren’t being “tested.” It’s not comforting to hear that God thinks an infertile couple is unworthy of conception, but dead-beat drug abusers and ill-prepared 16-year-olds are gifted with children. THINK about what you’re saying when you suggest to a couple that God has decided it isn’t their time or they aren’t meant to be parents.
- For a fabulous blog post about life and hope after infertility, check this out: http://birthingbeautifulideas.com/?p=4522
- For information about supporting your loved one dealing with infertilty and to learn more about how it impacts couples, check out http://www.resolve.org/
- Infertility is a life-changing, relationship-testing, faith-shaking, sex life-dictating, wallet-draining, dream-crushing, and emotionally- and physically-demanding beast I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.
And to the ladies who will not be outing yourselves next week, our silent sisters in this sorority no one wants to be in, you're in our thoughts. Whether you decide to come "out" next week, next month, or next year, we're at your side.
Do you have ideas for status messages you'd like to share? How about a link-up? Let's all support each other in bringing awareness to the forefront and keeping the conversation going.
Anyway, I've been compiling a list of facts and such that I might use for status messages. I don't want to go overboard with them, but I do want what I say to have an impact. Feel free to use any of these for yourself or to feel inspired.
- One in 8 American couples deals with infertility. That’s greater than 10% of the population. Infertility is defined as inability to conceive within 12 months (or 6 months if over age 35). The source is a male issue in 35% of cases, a female issue in 35% of cases, a combined issue in 20% of cases, and unexplained in 10% of cases.
- Relaxing, adopting, taking a vacation, getting drunk and screwing in the back seat, and not thinking about It aren’t solutions to fertility issues.
- Impatience is not a fertility problem. With only a 20% chance of success in any given cycle, it can take a healthy couple with perfect timing up to a year to conceive. If you've tried for a year without success (or 6 months if over the age of 35), schedule an appointment to speak with your doctor about a referral to an infertility specialist.
- Adoption is not a cure for infertility. While it’s an opportunity to parent, it doesn’t solve the biological problem and the psychological side effects. Telling an infertile couple, “just adopt and you’ll get pregnant” is insensitive. There is no “just” about adopting, and it doesn’t cure the cause of infertility. Choosing to not adopt is not selfish. It’s also not the job of infertile couples to adopt orphans and foster children. So before you say, “just adopt,” ask yourself this: “how many children have I tried to adopt?”
- Deciding to live childfree is an acceptable and positive end to infertility. Choosing to be childfree means embracing life as a family of two. It is not an easy decision, and there is no less grief, but couples who choose to be childfree are worthy of love and support, too. For more about childfree living after infertility, check out Sweet Grapes by Jean and Michael Carter.
- Infertility doesn’t just affect the ability to create a biological family. It puts stress on relationships, wallets, and emotions. Relatively non-invasive procedures can cost $400 each, with IVF costing roughly $15K. And that doesn’t begin to cover the cost of the medication cocktails to make the procedures happen. It also doesn’t address the roller coaster of emotions of that treatment brings.
- Insurance companies often don’t cover infertility treatments, despite the fact that infertility is a health problem. Many sources of infertility are diseases that cause sub-optimal health. Infertility affects quality of life for many couples. Any other disease that caused such physical and emotional distress would be treated and covered by insurance, yet treatment of infertility is an out-of-pocket expense for most couples.
- Clomid isn’t candy, and its purpose isn’t to create multiples. It should be used under proper supervision of a specialist to avoid situations like “Jon & Kate Plus 8.” Likewise, the goal of infertility treatments is to create ONE baby, and even that can prove to be very difficult. Yes, the chances of multiples is always something to consider and more realistic with treatment, but it’s not the goal.
- IVF doesn’t always work. It’s expensive, emotionally draining and physically difficult. It’s a very involved process with many opportunities for things to go wrong. IVF isn’t feasible for everyone, and trust me when I say that you’re not suggesting something an infertile couple hasn’t considered.
- God doesn’t punish couples with infertility. It’s a health problem, not a punishment. Infertile couples aren’t being “tested.” It’s not comforting to hear that God thinks an infertile couple is unworthy of conception, but dead-beat drug abusers and ill-prepared 16-year-olds are gifted with children. THINK about what you’re saying when you suggest to a couple that God has decided it isn’t their time or they aren’t meant to be parents.
- For a fabulous blog post about life and hope after infertility, check this out: http://birthingbeautifulideas.com/?p=4522
- For information about supporting your loved one dealing with infertilty and to learn more about how it impacts couples, check out http://www.resolve.org/
- Infertility is a life-changing, relationship-testing, faith-shaking, sex life-dictating, wallet-draining, dream-crushing, and emotionally- and physically-demanding beast I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.
And to the ladies who will not be outing yourselves next week, our silent sisters in this sorority no one wants to be in, you're in our thoughts. Whether you decide to come "out" next week, next month, or next year, we're at your side.
Do you have ideas for status messages you'd like to share? How about a link-up? Let's all support each other in bringing awareness to the forefront and keeping the conversation going.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Two years
Today marks two years since we started trying for a family. It also marks a year since infertility has officially been a part of our lives. A lot has changed since two years ago. I remember how excited I was, assuming we’d be expecting in no time. We talked about names and I thought about how we would announce to our families. We thought about how we would decorate and I had a mental list of baby gear I liked. Things are very different now. The room that I once walked by thinking, “that’ll be our nursery” is now part-way through its craft room transformation. I’m working daily at dealing with the loss (even just infertility itself is a big life-changer for couples, much less deciding to walk away from trying anymore) and taking care of myself and my husband emotionally. Still, it’s a sad day for us. I miss this day two years ago when we were hopeful and optimistic for a family. I’m hopeful and optimistic for new things now, but there’s an empty space where a dream once was.
I am thankful that the most important thing - my wonderful husband - hasn't changed. He continues to be my rock, and we continue to be strong and loving. The last year especially has had big challenges and disappointments for us, but if we can get through this, I know we can get through anything life throws our way.
I am thankful that the most important thing - my wonderful husband - hasn't changed. He continues to be my rock, and we continue to be strong and loving. The last year especially has had big challenges and disappointments for us, but if we can get through this, I know we can get through anything life throws our way.
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