So, this is belated...

...but, I'M AN AUNT! It's been better in just about every way than I could have imagined. The second I laid eyes on the first picture my sister sent, I was in LOVE. I was anxious the whole day to go see him, and when I walked into the hospital room, my heart full-on melted. People who've seen the picture of me holding him with Buddy at my side said they've never seen such joy on my face. It's entirely true. I was happy and relieved to be happy and my heart was full and I was proud and I was feeling every other feeling all at once. I remember feeling like my smile must look fake, it was so big, but I was completely not in control of it at that point.

His arrival has been so incredibly healing. I used to battle with resentment about my Sis and BIL living so far from us and thinking we'd never see them, and worried I wouldn't even want to see them. In reality, I decided on the day of his birth that I would spend an afternoon a week with him and give Sis a chance to rest, do chores or errands, go to the gym, whatever. The bonding time with him has been amazing. I get to see all the little changes from week to week. At 5 weeks, my sister shocked me left me alone with him - I was amazed she trusted me with her baby, and it meant more than I can express. At 6 weeks, I got to give him his first bottle. At 8 weeks, he started spending more time away and playing. Now, he's awake almost the entire time I'm there and we have chats and play and read books and take a billion pictures and videos. It's my favorite part of the week. As a bonus, my sister and I are closer than we've ever been. Nephew has healed me in ways he'll never comprehend.

That's not to say there haven't been difficulties. I was hesitant to see my parents as grandparents at first, and that's still hard sometimes. My family planned a trip to Hawaii without mentioning it to me and Buddy and that turned into a Big Thing just a week after another Big Thing about feeling left out and out of place in the family. That was really hard. This past weekend, my parents hosted what I guess would kind of be like a sip-and-see to meet my nephew, and it was bittersweet. Seeing my grandmother hold him almost broke my heart.

But, yeah. I'm an aunt. And I have every intention of being the best aunt that sweet boy could ever ask for.

Distant

I'm the first to admit I've been distant. From here, from groups, from family. Twitter's probably the only place I haven't pulled back from. Well, and a few individual friends. And work. Work gives me no choice but to be INCREDIBLY present. Anyway. I've been absent.

Someone - an IRL friend - asked me the other day how my sister was doing. My response was that I assumed she was well, but didn't really know. We haven't spoken aside from superficial "how's your week going texts." We've never been very close, so this is pretty normal for us. But my friend meant how my sister was doing in regard to pregnancy. And I know nothing. I don't know how her glucose test went, or when she started feeling kicks, or if she's already showing signs of giving birth soon now that she's almost 37 weeks. I know her due date and where she's delivering. Period. If they have a name chosen, I don't know what it is.  I assume that if she was on bed rest or had GD or if something was wrong, they'd tell me. I assume no news is good news.

My friend's response was "that's so weeeeeird!" And she's right. It is. Most sisters of expectant women would know these things. I explained that I learned from my high school friend's pregnancy that sometimes you get more info than you ask for, and that sometimes that hurts. So I don't ask. On my sister/mom's side, they've simply not given any info without me asking. So if I don't ask, and they don't share, I know nothing. Again, my friend said "but that's so weeeeeeird." Yep. It's weird. It's weird and unfair and disappointing for all of us, I'm sure. I mean, I assume. I know it's that way for me.

The problem is, my distance - though seemingly what I wanted and have made for myself - brings new fears. I'm scared that my keeping people away, avoiding making plans, etc. is going to have long term effects on my relationship with my family. Yet, I don't want to actually DO anything about it. I don't want to go have lunch and see my sister's belly and talk or not talk about the baby - it's uncomfortable. I don't want to be anywhere that feels like the elephant in the room is my nephew. So I avoid. I take advantage of excuses. I don't make the effort to make plans. I don't know when I became this person who refuses to put herself in uncomfortable situations for the sake of others, but I have.

I've been operating under the assumption that this pregnancy would be like my friend's and that at some point, excitement would take over and it'd no longer be a "fake it 'til you make it" situation. I would eventually "make it." But that time hasn't come. And the longer I go without reaching it, the more I worry that not only will I never get there, but that I'll do more and more damage to my family. I kept saying, "the pregnancy is the hard part. When he's here, I'll be fine." But what if I'm wrong? I have a harder and harder time imagining one big happy family. What if I can't ever imagine a time when I look forward to seeing my sister and her family? What if my mom and I have this void made up of what we don't talk about forever?

I was supposed to have lunch with my mom today. When I called to confirm, she said she couldn't. When I asked what she was up to today, she didn't have anything she was planning to do. She just apparently couldn't do lunch with me. I can't help but feel like I'm getting what I deserve - or at least what I've set up to happen through my distance. I've done it to myself, and if I want it to change, I have to make the effort.

Grief cycling

I feel like I'm going through another grief cycle lately. Namely, the anger part of it. I think. Or sadness. Is resentment one? As excited as I am for the Walk of Hope (tomorrow!) I'm cycling through something and it's frustrating. Maybe bullet points are better, because none of it really feels cohesive.

• I feel pressure to do more stuff with the family than I'm used to and it has me out of my comfort level. My mom's birthday falls on Monday and Sis wants to go to a spring training game because that's what Mom wants to do. But she wants to go tomorrow after the Walk... after I'll have to BE SOMEWHERE at 6AM and will have just spent 6 hours in the sun. Plus, I really just don't like baseball. So for me, this is literally the last thing I want to do. So I feel guilt that I don't want to do this for my mom. Just... ugh. 
• Seeing my sister frequently is HARD. It just is. She's most definitely showing and growing now. Not only that, they're actively shopping for their family vehicles and other family junk and aren't being as quiet about the shopping as I would be comfortable with (no, I don't feel like giving my opinion on a third row-seated vehicle when I know you're only shopping for said vehicle for your bump. Even if you don't explicitly say it. Just... no). And she wants to do stuff and hang out with me, which sisters should want to do, and I feel like an ass for not reciprocating and generally wanting to avoid situations with her. It makes me feel unsettled and agitated.
• I felt sad a couple days earlier this week. Just downright sad, with nothing to point at for the cause. It wasn't a cryfest or anything. I just felt down.  
• This is kinda related I guess in that it might be exaggerated by hyper-feelings lately. Yesterday, I met up with my Walk co-chair to take some stuff off her hands. She asked if my husband was coming and I said "no, it's not his thing." (Side note: I am truly fine with this. He didn't choose to be an advocate and volunteer, I did. He's welcome to join me anytime, but I'm honestly happy as long as he supports me in doing what I feel I need to for an outlet). And her response was (roughly): "He should come. My husband doesn't get a choice. This is about both of us." Yeah, I agree. The infertility part IS about both of us. But the Walk, Advocacy Day, my support group hosting - that's mine. Not that I wouldn't gladly include him, but he's not interested and I don't at all feel that he needs to be involved just because I am. It just rubbed me the wrong way, like it was implied he's not supportive because he's not physically there. 

It's been the end of a very long week, and tomorrow is a long day. I'm transitioning to a new job soon, and I just have a lot going on. I hope it's all just stress and next week will be better. Or the next week. Soon, anyway. Send me your good vibes :)

EDITED TO ADD:
Oh, I thought of another of my outlandish feelings lately. I feel highly disinclined to shop for anyone for birthday/Christmas presents (feelings parked by my mom's upcoming birthday, I assume) because my sister is giving them everything any of them could want - grandkid for my parents, kid for Sis and BIL. It is very reminiscent of the first couple of Christmases TTC and then IF when I didn't want anything but a baby. There was nothing on my wish list - if it wasn't a baby, I didn't want it. In the same way, I feel like the family is getting a baby, there's no way I could possibly give any of them anything better or even noteworthy, so I'm not even motivated to try or care. This feeling is something I've been familiar with for myself, but feeling it about others has blind-sided me quite a bit.

Why I Walk - 2014

On March 22nd, 2014, I am participating in RESOLVE’s Arizona Walk of Hope. Not just participating, either, I'm the co-chair of the event, which is incredibly exciting and also a little intimidating. But it's my passion, and I'm so excited!

I walk because...

• I remember what it was like to feel alone
• People should be more aware of our feelings as infertile couples and the issues that affect us uniquely
• 12% of Americans struggle directly, yet no one talks about it
• Legislation could be presented at any time that would hinder couples' rights or ability to choose how they see fit to grow their family
• Everyone knows someone who's struggling, many times in silence\
• Infertility is not shameful
• Myths and misconceptions about fertility treatments persist
• There is strength and empowerment in numbers
• I am a RESOLVE peer-led support group host and I am proud to represent them and the other men and women of our community who seek support
• Currently, support groups like mine are only held in the Phoenix Area and Tucson, and I hope we can bring support to rural and Northern Arizona
• I believe in RESOLVE's mission to bring about awareness and support of couples who are pursuing their dreams of building a family or who have resolved their infertility by other means. RESOLVE provides support to all couples no matter what resolution they choose
• No one struggling with infertility should walk alone

I am proud to be a part of the Walk of Hope, and I would be proud to have your support. If you find yourself able, contributions can be made here.

Better? Bitter? Who knows?

This week seems better. Kind of. On Tuesday last week, my sister sent me a very thoughtful email asking if 1. I would like to be invited to the baby's bits reveal party (I'm avoiding - hopefully - making this googleable by not using the word "gen.der," which it isn't anyway - it's biological sex that's being revealed) party and if so, 2. would I like to make the cake? It floored me. I don't know why. I knew this milestone was coming - I talked about it in my last post. But something about... I-don't-even-know-what really upset me. A lot. I answered back that I'd like to be invited - I certainly don't want to be excluded (FYI, I think it's best to invite an infertile friend and let them decided their presence, rather than asking if they want to be invited. Usually people don't want to not be invited) from it - and that I would think about the cake and talk to my therapist about it (I happened to have an appointment on Thursday). I passed the email or the details on to a couple people (and to Twitter) to get their thoughts. I just felt I wanted to make a fair decision, and I thought friends' input might be helpful.

Later that evening, I was included on a group email inviting me and Buddy, my parents, my sister's in-laws, and my BIL's sister (via skype) to an early dinner and then the reveal back at Sis and BIL's temporary housing apartment. Now when Sis had told me it was a bits reveal "party," I assumed it was going to be at either my parents' or BIL's parents' house in our hometown with extended family and their friends. But dinner with just the 8 of us and then the reveal felt very intimate and different. At a large party, I could escape pretty well unnoticed if I felt overwhelmed. In a one-bedroom apartment? Not so much. And I started to think about seeing my parents finding out if they would have a granddaughter or grandson and my heart started racing all over again.

I started to try to break it down logically, and bounced all my thoughts off friends and my therapist. Ultimately, I looked at it as three events that were not mutually exclusive: the cake making, the dinner, and the reveal. When I considered the cake making, people made the really good point that I would know first and would have time to process it. I wouldn't be finding out with everyone else and that would take pressure off for an appropriate reaction. I also have been hoping to have a moment where I'm okay with all this - like I did with my best friend's pregnancy - and turn the corner and feel joy. Maybe doing the cake would be that for me. Maybe it wouldn't, but it couldn't hurt to try. On the downside, I haven't made a baby related cake since we were diagnosed, so I was worried about emotions. However, in the end, I decided knowing first and the chance at a unique connection with my niece or nephew (I think niece, by the way) won out.

Now the dinner. What are people going to talk about at a dinner before they find out what their grandchild is? The baby. Duh. So that wasn't super appealing. But I talked to Sis, and we're actually doing a late lunch at a cool spot that is basically a sprawling lawn that people picnic on with food bought from their small carry-out-only restaurant. Not the claustrophobic Chili's booth I somehow had in mind. So there'd be some space, and that seemed a little doable. We'll mark dinner as a possibility.

The reveal? Nope. I really just don't think I can see my parents finding out. And understandably and justifiably, the parents- and grandparents-to-be would be wanting to talk about the little arrival and about names and nursery ideas and all that stuff. Not easy or non-awkward to escape from in a small apartment. No to mention, I feel very strongly that my sister has been robbed of some of her experience as an expectant parent because of me. I wouldn't want anyone to feel that because of my presence, they had to hold back any of their emotions or excitement or even consider me in any way. My sister assured me that they would have fun and enjoy it no matter what, but I have a hard time believing that if I started crying or it became awkward if I was visibly upset and my parents felt torn between celebrating with her and consoling me (which I would want them to do for her if the roles were swapped), shit would just go on as if nothing happened. I don't know what to make of her thinking all would be A-okay on that one (it feels lacking of compassion), but whatever. I decided I'd rather just skip that. Part of me thinks it would be cool to take the new camera and get photos, but I don't know if I'm being realistic in thinking that would be fun. My sister and BIL will know what the bits are already anyway, and half the "fun" of those pics is seeing the parents'-to be faces, so that's a moot point.

So I got that all figured out, but there were some upsetting things during the week that still have me feeling... not better. In trying to open up to my mom some about how I've been feeling, I ended up in tears and she suggested we reconsider our stance on adoption. NOT helpful. The whole conversation in general was a disaster and we haven't spoken in almost a week, which is unusual. At the same time, we haven't really talked a lot since Sis even told me she was pregnant because I didn't feel confident that she'd be very sensitive and understanding about my little crisis. And I was right, so I have little incentive to open myself up again. And even though I came to a bit reveal non-party solution I'm relatively happy with, I still have general unease and sadness about not being able to just be like "sure, sis, I'd love to come to your bits reveal party and be super excited and cry tears of joy and talk about how to decorate the nursery." It just sucks.

And that nursery? Is going to be in a house 67 minutes from us - their offer has been accepted on a home some 50 miles from us. On the one hand, we keep some of our freedom. It's far enough that no one is going to just pop in because they were in the neighborhood. On the other hand, going to see them is going to be a minimum 2 hour commitment. It's long enough to feel like a day trip. That's a lot for us, considering we'll be doing the driving since our home won't be baby-proofed, they'll have more space, and I wouldn't expect them to drive an hour each way with a kid, especially in the beginning with a small baby. I wouldn't expect them to choose our side of town since it's not convenient to them either, but it sucks. I want to have a close relationship with my niece or nephew, and this makes it not as easy. And I keep thinking about holidays. I currently host Thanksgiving and usually Christmas with both my parents and Buddy's. So what now? With Sis and BIL here, they're also close to his parents, who I imagine - wait, know, based on the infamous Thanksgiving grocery list and Christmases that are planned down to the half hour - that they will want significant control over planning holidays. Do we now begin the dreaded splitting of time that we've been lucky to avoid? We've been fortunate that we've been able to just plan with our two sets of parents and it works out. And maybe that's the right approach to continue - we'll plan what we want and if you can join in, great. But with a kid in the mix - and only grandchild on both sides, no less - I just have a feeling everything will revolve around him/her, and we'll want to be there, but want to not be steam rolled. It makes me feel... insignificant. Like, "hey, don't forget about us. We're a family, too." It just gets me down.

Alright, I'm blabbing. Point is: I strategized, figured out a good solution for one thing, and it brought up thoughts and feelings and hard emotions about a whole other thing. I guess this is just the way it's going to be.

My Sister's Pregnancy

This is going to be an incredibly and brutally honest post because I don't know how else to say it. There are feelings that will be shared that I feel shame for, and that I feel should be hidden, but they're raw and honest and so very real. If you're the friend or family member of someone who struggles with infertility, I feel they're something you should read, because whether you like it or not, no matter how happy your infertile friend is to your face, they're struggling with something. Maybe not all of what I'm struggling with, but some of it. A lot of it is contradictory, and I'll get into that. And if my family finds this, I'm sorry. You all know I advocate, and that means sharing tough stuff to make others aware so we can all be more loving. This isn't meant to hurt you, ever, and I love you. My goal is and always will be to help others feel less alone. Your compassion and love are appreciated.

A little background on my relationship with my sister: we're 3.5 years apart, and the only siblings in our family. We fought a lot growing up. A lot. Sometimes violently - hitting kicking, punching. I was NOT a nice big sister. And yet, M, my now 29-year-old sister, is an incredible person. We didn't have the typical birth order roles you think of, where the oldest (me) has all the restrictions and curfews and is the overachieving Type A. I had it pretty easy, and M was the "normal" first born type. She's always been the best at everything. She was the better athlete, the better student. She never gave our parents a scare by dropping out of college (don't worry, I went back and then earned a master's degree). She knew her major from day 1 and followed in our mother's footsteps. She married the man with more earning potential, is smarter with money, has the bigger house. There's plenty to envy, so yes, there's some jealousy. And now, she's having the first grandkid, which will only be followed by other grandchildren that are hers. She's got it all.

She also struggles. When we were little, she was heavier. I had our mom's skinny-legged, lanky build, and she was more like Dad's side of the family. I wasn't nice about that with her, either, and it's my biggest life's regret. Her first or second year in college, she went away to be a camp counselor and was so homesick, she couldn't eat or sleep or function. She came home - I don't even know how many pounds, but a lot - much skinnier after about 3 or 4 weeks, and she's stayed that way, or even slimmer, for over 8 years. Because of my teasing, weight and health is not an easy topic for us. I'm now the fat one, and she's the skinny one, though there's worry and evidence that her weight is not always achieved by healthy means. Like I said, my biggest regret, truly. It's been hard and heartbreaking, and I have tremendous guilt for how our relationship has played out.

Like I said, she's now pregnant. She told me on November 18th, via email, as I'd asked, as I knew it would be easiest for me. If she'd called an told me, she would have heard an awful sob followed by my phone hitting the entertainment center. Email allowed me to have my (one and a half hour) moment before I responded that I was happy for her. It was a good five minutes of crying before I could even tell my husband. It was not my proudest moment. And it's also where the conflicting emotions began. She found out she was pregnant on the 14th, at her first appointment with an RE to discuss PCOS. It was the weekend Buddy and I were having our Friendsgiving. Somehow, it was decided that the info should be withheld from me until after the party so as not to ruin my weekend. Thoughtful. And yet, it made me feel like I was a landmine. On the one hand, I want to be treated like a normal person, since I am. And on the other, I do require "kid gloves" at times. And in this case, my family erred on the side of kid gloves. I get it. I appreciate it, but it makes me feel like things are hidden from me. It makes the elephant in the room feel bigger and grayer and elephantier. It's "damned if you do, damned if you dont," because if they told me before my party, I would have been upset. It makes me feel like there's no easy way to deal with me, and that sucks.

Since being told of my sister's pregnancy, there has been almost no mention of it, aside from a couple of questions I feel I have to ask so as not to be completely disengaged, disinterested, and heartless. She struggled with morning sickness, and I inquired as to how she was doing, after being shamed by my mom ("she's been sick. You should care."). She asked me who to go to for an OB/GYN (which had me VERY upset). Other than that, nothing. I figured out today that she's about 17 weeks along, which means she'll be finding out the sex by the end of February. And again, I'm conflicted - Buddy and I wanted a girl. What if it's a girl? Will that make me happy or jealous? What if the name they pick sucks? Or, alternatively, what if it was on our list, and I feel angry that she got to use it and we didn't? Will I feel more connected if I know the sex as opposed to it being an unidentified fetus?

I have so many emotions, honestly. I'm happy for her - she wanted and is having a baby. I'm sad - I'm not having one. I'm jealous - she gets to give my grandparents a grandchild and I don't. Add onto all of  this, she's just moved back from Washington State - we've never lived in the same city as adults. As I told my therapist, I'm just not ready. Her moving here would be a shift in our relationship; her having a baby would be a shift in our relationship. I felt I could handle one, but both seems like so much. When I tell people that she's moving here and that she's expecting, the common response is "you must be so excited." But I'm not. I'm terrified, angry. I'm mourning our space, quite honestly.

Buddy and I have had this city mostly to ourselves for 6 years. We live 10 minutes from his parents and see them probably 2-3 times a month. We see mine (2 hours away) every 4-6 weeks. We enjoy a lot of freedom. My sister being here will change that, understandably. She is closer with my parents than I am (I think - I assume) and I imagine she'll want to see them every 2-3 weeks. And if she sees them, I feel the assumption id that I should make the effort, too. It's not that I don't want to see them, but it puts extra pressure on us. She and my BIL are looking at homes anywhere from 40-60 minutes, one way, from us. That's big if we're going to be expected to join in every time my sister has my parents up. And we'd be driving an hour each way to do what? Hang out? With my pregnant sister?

There it is. The first thing I think with all of this is "my pregnant sister." And the thought of just hanging out with her and her growing belly is what gets me anxious. If she'd stayed in Seattle, I wouldn't have to see all this. It would be an abstract idea, and I would see her at her baby shower (I can handle that, I did it with my best friend and survived) and then she'd have a baby and at some point, she'd fly here with it and I'd meet it. But she's here now, for the foreseeable future. And it's all not very far away in comparison, and there's no nice way to say to your sister, "nope, thanks for the brunch invite, but I have no desire to see Mom and Dad fawn all over your fetus and hear you talk about registry shopping and about how the half a million dollar home you saw yesterday isn't just perfect for your child-rearing vision." Nope. It makes my pulse quicken just thinking about it.

I'm worried about how everyone will perceive me - from the people I tell that I'm going to be an aunt, to my parents, to my husband, to my sister. I'm worried people will think I'm heartless and selfish. I'm worried my parents - namely my mom - will think I'm not being sisterly and will shame my for my feelings. I'm worried my husband will tire of my reaction to pregnancies and stop being my rock. I'm worried that my chance to build a good adult relationship with my sister will be ruined by my feelings in the next 5 months. Or that it's already been ruined, considering we've had exactly .38 conversations about her pregnancy since November.

There is just so much. All of it feels shitty. It's all constantly in my head. I'm regularly trying to figure out how I'm going to deal with it, how I'll avoid it, how I'll face it. My therapist has been wonderful. After graduating after 6 months of twice-monthly therapy, I saw her only once when my best friend from high school told me she was pregnant, just about a year ago. And now I'm back to biweekly appointments to keep my thoughts and feelings from boiling over. This is a crisis for me, and it's awful and I hate it. I don't hate that M is pregnant. I hate that it's a crisis. We're all being robbed - M of getting to enjoy every bit of pregnancy with her whole family, my mom and dad of getting to share their impending grandparethood with the world, and me of being an excited expectant aunt. No one wins.

2014 Goals

I kind of hate resolutions. I always feel like they have the opportunity to haunt me if they're left unfulfilled on December 31st. But at the same time, life is about having room for improvement, and goals are good for focus. We all need them, and we all make them, even if we don't think of them as goals. I have a lot of them, and some probably will fall by the wayside, and I'm going to be okay with that. In my mind, they're on a spectrum - goals that need to be achieved all the way down to stuff that would be nice to do, but I'm not going to beat myself up over a "failure." It wouldn't even be a failure - more like icing on the cake.

So, kind of in order of importance, my 2014 goals:

Lifestyle

Buddy
Increasing intimacy, making memories, starting traditions, taking more pictures, traveling more, showing my genuine appreciation. This is our 6th year together, and he is my everything and we're happy and comfortable and I'm loving life as husband and wife. But this is the prime of our lives, and I think it's time for us to really start enjoying some of those perks of being a family of two. I want us to be more carefree and spontaneous, to really seize moments and do new things together.

Food/Weight
I'm starting the year lighter than in 2013, which is good, but I'm no where near where I'd like to be. Losing 10 pounds in 2013, as little at that is, showed me I can do it, and it wasn't that hard. I eat pretty healthy most of the time. It's eating out where I get in trouble, and I tend to lose track of just how many treats I allow. We get lazy and toss the meal plan in favor of take-out. So I want to be more conscious of all of that, as well as remember that if I screw up in the morning and have a coworker's homemade cookie, it doesn't have to mean I'm done for the rest of the day. My daily food plan includes breakfast smoothies, healthy snacks, salads for lunch, and delicious but sensible dinners. I'm also not going to focus so much on the number on the scale as how I feel. I have a pant size goal in mind, and I think that's more important.

Bad Habits
In college, I was a closet smoker. Mostly, I picked it up working at restaurants - if you smoked, you got breaks. Horrible excuse, but I can't think of why else I decided it was a good idea to start. I kept it up when I graduated, all the way up until I met Buddy. I hid it from him and decided I didn't want him to be with a smoker, so I quit cold turkey one day. I didn't tell him until months later that I even did it. That was over 5 years ago, and it stuck until around October-ish last year, when for some reason, I started again and it became a regular habit by about March 2013. Stupid. And it needs to stop. Again. So as of yesterday, I don't smoke anymore. I know, I make it sound easy. I'm sure I'll be a grouch and I'll struggle, but this is top priority, and I will quit again. Will.

I'm also not really happy with my wine habit. For some reason, with wine - not beer, and I don't really drink liquor - when I have a glass, it turns into more. I don't like it. So wine is going to be out for a long while. Yeah, I'm gonna miss it - I enjoy wine, but I'm fearful of developing a real problem that I don't feel power over, so I'm putting my good senses to work and avoiding a bigger issue.

Mental Health
I've talked before about how my best friend's pregnancy was a complete shitshow of emotions for me. And now, my sister's pregnant, and will be moving to my metro area (we haven't lived within a 2 hour drive our entire adult lives). It's going to be difficult at times as I watch her give my parents their first grandchild and enjoy all those moments  I wanted. It's unique because it's my sister and not a friend. We've struggled with our relationship in the past, and I struggle with my relationship with my mom at times in relation to infertility,  so this is just something I need some extra care for right now. So, I'm back in therapy and will be working on tools and strategies with my counselor.

Finances

Me
Yay, I have a new budget! I spreadsheeted it and everything, and set goals and budgets for individual categories that I'm going to be diligent about monitoring in 2014. We have both worked really hard in the last couple of years to build our savings and get rid of debt that he had before we married and that we accumulated together. We consolidated debts and should have that paid off by the end of the year. But my goal this year is to really build on that savings, as well as be better about my budget and setting some allowances for myself. I hate when I buy frivolous things I can't even remember and then don't have the money for the fun stuff I'd rather have. I have goals for trips this year and things I want to do in our home, and it's important to me that those are saved for specifically. I'm also eliminating about $100-125 a month (I KNOW!) in work cafeteria spending.

Us
I think our marriage would benefit from Buddy being more involved in our finances. Currently, I handle all the bill paying and we keep separate accounts. I don't have a problem with this, but Buddy is total oblivious aside from being told by me when he owes for something, and quite honestly, I don't really think that's fair anymore. We should both be invested, and we should both know how much money we have where, rather than me being the owner of that info and feeling the sole pressure of maintaining it.


Other Stuff

Attend Advocacy Day in May and fund raise $500 for the Walk of Hope. Resolve involvement in general is going to be a big focus this year. I have a lot on my plate. It's going to put my organization and time-management skills to the test. I need to not be afraid to ask for help or guidance - this is all new for me, and my goal is to both give and take when it comes to resources so that this experience can have the best possible outcome for my community.

Figure out my next career move. Whether I stay with my company or not, I'm doing some reflecting and thinking about what I'd like to do next. I'd like to find a mentor in this, and I need to make more networking efforts. Ideally, I'll end the year making more money, but if I stay with my company, that may not happen, as any move would be lateral. Still, I think it's reasonable to ask for an increase in compensation, even if I don't get it.

Use my planner weekly to keep track of my to-do list and projects.

Be a better friend - send cards, or texts. Let them know I'm thinking of them. Wonderful people have held me up the last two years, and it's time to pay it forward.

I want to train the dogs better. We've gotten somewhat lazy, but we need to work on jumping up on tables (Sparrow, looking at you), and barking in the yard in particular.

Buddy got me a Canon Rebel for Christmas, and I'm determined to take a class to learn how to use it.

Bake more - I love decorating cookies. I want to get better at it, so that I can potentially make some more side money selling them. But I need to hone my skills and learn new techniques to feel more comfortable doing so. Even though it's time consuming, and even though it's messy.

Grow my support group and possibly start a new one for other childfree-after-IF couples/women. Support groups aren't something anyone wants to have to join. But I want to reach out to the community more, as well as try some new things like book reviews and guest speakers.

Blog more.

Be a fun auntie.

Have fun with makeup and learn some skills.

Organize and purge my closet at least twice. Replace purged items with quality wardrobe pieces. I really want to dress better at work, so it's time to get rid of the crap and "dress for the job I want."


What are your goals for 2014?

My 2013

2013 was actually not such a bad year. I mean, they all have their ups and downs, but compared to 2011 and 2012, this year was stellar in comparison. I'm jumping on the bandwagon and doing a year in review.

1. What did you do in 2013 that you’d never done before? 
Visited NYC, participated in a Walk of Hope, rescued a pup, ate Brussels sprouts, put up a fake tree after I said that would NEVER be something I would have in my home.

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I honestly don't remember if I actually wrote any down or made a list. I pretty much always have goals, and I've been rolling some around in my mind for the past week. So whether or not I'll share them or they'll be "official," there will be things I'm working on.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? 
My best friend from high school and quite of a few of my internet pals.

4. Did anyone close to you die? 
We lost my 95-year-old grandmother in May.

5. What places did you visit? 
NYC, Western NY, Illinois, Ohio, and Seattle.

6. What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013? 
Better physical and more in savings.

7. What dates from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? 
February 1 - my best friend told me she was expecting. 
March 29 - Grandma passed. 
September 22 - we adopted Sparrow. 
November 18 - found out my sister is pregnant. 

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Recognizing that my best friend's pregnancy threw me for a loop and I needed to return to therapy. I also worked really hard on a project at work and was named as a recipient of a company-wide award for it.

9. What was your biggest failure?
I always feel like I can do something better. I could have been a better employee, I could have been a better wife, more patient with the dogs, and I could have been healthier with eating and exercising. 

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I've had 3 colds in 4 months, which is really weird for me, but other than that I've been lucky to be pretty healthy.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
We took some proceeds from the sale of my grandmother's home that we were gifted and invested in new windows for the house. It's horribly boring (compared to, say, the new flooring I would have preferred), but it's a wise investment in our home. Also, NEW WASHER AND DRYER! I also found a red wool coat by chance - I've been looking for one for quite a while. I also got some makeup that I'm pretty jazzed about.

12. Where did most of your money go? 
The mortgage and the windows.

13. What did you get really, really, really excited about? 
PJs at TJs, being asked to be the Arizona Affiliate chair and WoH co-chair for Resolve, my friend's baby (though I was initially very distraught and conflicted, the pure excitement did eventually come), seeing friends in NYC and IL, the weekend getaway Buddy and I took a couple weeks ago. 

14. What song will always remind you of 2013?
Carry On by Fun. It was used in the NIAW video one of the #75strong ladies made. 

15. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Happier - finally!
b) thinner or fatter? I'm actually thinner - I'm starting 2014 about 7 pounds lighter than 2013
c) richer or poorer? About the same.


16. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Honestly? Intimacy with my husband. It's still something we struggle with, but it's something we both agree will be a focus in 2014. Also, baking and decorating cookies. I miss doing them, and the fact that they're time consuming and messy needs to not be an excuse, because I genuinely do enjoy them.

17. What do you wish you’d done less of?
I admit I didn't always deal with my feelings in healthy ways. I'm back in therapy and have some health-minded goals to turn that around.

18. How did you spend Christmas this year?
On Christmas Eve, Buddy and I had dinner with friends and then went home and watched Christmas movies. On Christmas Day, we made breakfast and then both sets of parents came over. We had roast beef, crab legs, potatoes au gratin, and asparagus and opened gifts. Everyone left by about 5 and then we hung out together. It really was just perfect.

19. What was your favorite TV program?
Pretty much anything on the Food Network.

20. What were your favorite books of the year? 
I really liked the Divergent series, Gone Girl, and Await Your Reply. Oh, and Wally Lamb released a new book, We Are Water, which I also enjoyed.

21. What was your favorite music of the year?
I actually really liked a lot of the Top 40 stuff, especially for listening at work, but I mostly stuck to my hard rock tendencies. 

22. What were your favorite films of this year?
Catching Fire, The Muslims Are Coming. We really didn't see that many new movies.

EDIT: I totally forgot that my friend, Kelly, took me as her guest to screenings of both Kings of Summer and The Spectacular Now and I really liked them both. 

23. What did you do for your birthday in 2013, and how old were you? 
I turned 32, and Buddy threw me a surprise party.

24.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? 
I wish I would have been able to take the news of my friend's pregnancy with nothing but happiness. I struggled a lot with feelings of guilt and sadness, and I think if I could have just embraced it, I would have been happier overall. 

25. What kept you sane?
My husband, as always. He is my rock. Also, the #75strong ladies, and my friends both IRL and virtual. I've been blessed with some really wonderful people.

26. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013.
Time really does seem to heal. I always thought that was cheesy, but it's true. Time fills your heart with peace and your life with things that make you feel fulfilled and dull the woes. 

Geeking Out

This week has been very Resolve-centric. In a GOOD way. On Tuesday night, I met with the current AZ affiliate chair and two representatives from the professional community to discuss the Walk of Hope. I was just amazed at how well she knows these folks and is so in tune with the goings-on of the community. I feel like such a newbie to volunteering, but I know that will go away in time as I hit my stride. It was just really interesting to hear the comments and concerns of the local professionals. As a no-longer-patient, I feel like I'm in a good place to hear what are sometimes contrasting views and bring my ideas to the table. I think we stand to forge great relationships with the nursing staff, and I'm excited to explore that.

On Thursday, I had my kick-off meeting with the folks at corporate and my co-chair to discuss sponsorships and volunteer needs. The development manager is new since the 2013 Walk, and I think she's bringing in some really great ideas to bring the community together - there has been some perceived alienation of the adoption professionals in the past and we all agree that a goal this year is to create a "one community" feel. I think a lot of what she's suggesting will work towards that. Again, I felt like an ultra-newb, but it lit my fire to learn all I can so I can be just as knowledgeable as soon as possible. And I'm going to need it, as I've been tasked with handling the professional sponsorships.

Yesterday, I met with a local student business organization who has agreed to help us with developing a marketing plan for the Walk. What's really interesting is that they go to a relatively conservative school, and there were quite a few questions about ART. Understandably, none of them have heard of us - why would they? Most college students are trying to AVOID pregnancy, and with a conservative student population, I imagine that many of them are not even worried about that. So it felt like good practice for me to talk about what I know and give them a top-level understanding of what Resolve aims to do and how it serves it market from the perspectives of support, legislation, and education. I'm really excited to see what they come up with and how they propose we reach parts of our community that weren't well represented at last year's Walk of Hope. We have a goal of signing up 400 walkers (up from 250-ish from last year) to honor Resolve's 40th anniversary, and I think a marketing plan could be an amazing tool to get us there.

I feel like I have a to-do list a mile long, but I'm really excited. I think this is a really good fit for me, even though there's a lot I have to learn. Everyone starts somewhere, right?

Where are your manners?

Now is a great time to have Ginger's latest Bring Back the Words prompt, because oh boy, do I have something to get off my chest.

Buddy is the best man in a wedding on Thursday afternoon (not evening. Afternoon). Groom is his friend since 4th grade. He lived with us as a roommate for 6 months after his first marriage fell apart and started dating Bride before he'd even moved out from his home with his first wife. Anyway, Buddy is the best man. On Sunday, after dinner, Groom asked us to come meet him at the bar his brother works at for a drink. Buddy told me on the way over that at the bachelor/ette party (yes, joint), Groom had asked if he could stay with us this week because Bride wants to build wedding day anticipation by being apart, and that was probably what he wanted to talk to us about. Buddy said Groom told him it would mean a lot to him, and who am I to say no, and fine whatever. So we had a couple of drinks and went home. 

Yesterday, apparently, Groom texted Buddy, "Hey, Brooke mentioned the rehearsal dinner last night. My parents are only inviting the bridal party." So Buddy texted me that I'm not invited to the RD, and I was like, "rude, but whatever." But now, the more I think about it, I am pissed. Okay, so judge me how you will, but I spent the better part of a couple of years spending a lot of free time on the Etiquette board of TheKnot.com. I'm pretty well versed in the etiquette of weddings, and have particularly strong feelings about a few things. Yes, I acknowledge that there are some things that are antiquated and that etiquette evolves with social and cultural norms, but one thing I do not ever feel is appropriate is inviting only one spouse to a social event. Okay, I can think of one exception - I was fine with a coworker only inviting us without our spouses to his small wedding, as I was pleased to be invited without Buddy than not at all to witness his wedding and Buddy would have been bored anyway. I think the coworker exception can be reasonable. But for 99.99% of situations, spouses should be invited. Period, end of story. I don't care if you hate your best friend's husband of 15 years because he has awful taste in clothes and wear mandals everywhere and has an annoying hyena laugh that he uses after his endless inappropriate jokes. He's your best friend's husband and you invite him and smile and thank them for coming and thank your lucky stars she married him and took him off the market so you'd never have to. 

So I'm uninvited to the rehearsal dinner. Or more like not invited to begin with, which is rude in and of itself. I am trying to remember, but I think the envelope the rehearsal dinner invitation came in was addressed to Buddy without my name, so YES, I wrongfully assumed I was invited. BUT, the invitation came from Groom's parents, and Groom's mom also hosted Bride's shower, the invitation to which I received only two days prior to said shower. So I probably didn't think anything of it, or I chalked it up to general ignorance or mess (this is not the most well planned wedding, folks) and didn't give it another thought. Never did it actually cross my mind that I wasn't invited. Because people with decent manners, which I assume just about everyone to be, wouldn't do that. 

So aside from the etiquette part of it, where the gracious Emily Post tells us that we invite spouses and we go out of our way to make our guests comfortable because etiquette is about being a gracious host and not an asshole, I have a few other reasons I'm miffed and ranty. First, Groom's sister and her family live next door to Groom's parents. Neither Sister nor her children are in the bridal party. So is she invited? Kind of hard to have a fancy dinner for one child with the other next door and not invite them. What about the husband of Bride's sister, who is the maid of honor? Will Bride insist her brother-in-law is invited? And if she does, do I have any grounds to feel "why her and not me? I'm a spouse, too." It makes me feel like my marriage is not being acknowledged. Buddy and I are a unit. And if an exception is going to be made for anyone else on this "bridal party only" nonsense, it's hurtful that it's not going to be made for us.

Second, I'm making the Bride and Groom's wedding cake and cupcakes. I know that doesn't make me bridal party, but considering I'm the wife of the best man and I'm allowing the Groom to stay in my home while they do this anticipating the moment thing (yes, I'm eye-rolly), does that not give me a leg up for an invite? So basically, Groom and Buddy are going to go to Groom's parents' house for dinner Wednesday while I'm knee deep in cake frosting and covered in flour and I'm left to fend for myself. That just seems... rude. On a different level from not being invited just based on my spousal status. Like how awkward is it going to be when Groom and Buddy leave the house Wednesday evening and they're all, "see you later Brooke. We're going to go have dinner. Thanks again for making my wedding cake." Is that not weird to anyone else?

And something someone else brought up is that this event is linked to a wedding, an event where one ACQUIRES a SPOUSE. it was actually mentioned in the context of someone on Twitter saying they hadn't been invited to an actual wedding (as opposed to a rehearsal dinner) with their spouse, but still. Weddings are about marriage and joining families and celebrating love, and these people are basically saying "eff you" to all of that, in my mind. "Let's celebrate Bride and Groom getting married while completely disregarding the marriages of the people Bride and Groom care enough about to stand up in this circus of a wedding." Makes sense. 

So, yeah, I'm pissed. It's just rude on many levels. And I'm not the only one who's upset by it. My husband is, too. Do you know what it takes to make a guy like Buddy - who doesn't know Etiquette from Adam - say "WTF?" Asshatery, that's what. I admit, I'm lucky in this way - we like to be together a lot. He's fine with me going out and doing things on my own and with my friends and doesn't feel that he always wants to accompany me. But he likes me to come with him to most things when he has to go some event or whatnot. He's bummed I won't be there with him, and his general statement is "at least I'll have an excuse to leave early - I want to come home and help with the cupcakes you're making as a favor to them." (It's not truly a favor. They paid me. But their other friend/baker backed out, and I basically have to use my vacation so that I can make cake and cupcakes for a Thursday afternoon wedding. So yes, it feels favor-y). So he gets it. And I feel justified in feeling totally snubbed.

That's my rant. People, invite spouses to things. It's the right thing to do, if for no other reason than to keep people from getting pissed off and going on the interwebs to complain about you.  

Check out the link-up on Ginger's blog

The One

Four years ago today, I married my husband. I admit I was a little scared - it's a big life decision, and no matter how much you love someone, there's something serious about the commitment of forever. I wasn't sure if I ever believed in "The One." Words like "soul mate" made me want to gag. There are six billion people on this planet, and it was hard for me to wrap my head around the literal thought that there was only one man I was meant to be with. I believed that there can be multiple people that we could cross paths with and make a happy life with, yet I knew confidently that Buddy was the person I wanted to spend our lifetime with. I was honored and thrilled to be marrying him, but I guess you can say I didn't fully "get" it.

And then infertility happened. Something that could have ripped us apart and strained our young marriage brought us closer and put us on the same word of the same paragraph of the same proverbial page. It was devastating for us, but we were a team. He was my rock, and he loved me when I fell apart and came back together again and again. We never lost sight of what we most valued - our marriage. Even now, as we move forward and enjoy life as our family of two, we are so in sync with our decisions and goals that it's hard to imagine doing any of this with any one else. Sure he drives me nuts with little things - we're both only human. But on the things that really and truly matter, we're a perfect match, moreso than I could have imagined or foreseen. I finally understand what it really means to find and love The One.

Happy Birthday, Buddy. And Happy Anniversary. I love you more and more every day, larger than I know how to express, and more fully than I can understand.

I'm an Auntie!

Like it did for a lot of people, middle school sucked for me. Absolutely S-U-C-K-E-D. People were awful, mean, nasty, and I hated every second of my two years in that hell. High school was my new beginning. Most of the kids from my high school went to our neighborhood school, but I went to a magnet school across town. It was awesome to meet all new people. I stopped doing synchronized swimming after 4 years and decided to focus on traditional competitive swimming as a freshman, and I was great at it. I took art and dance and excelled at science. I discovered contact lenses and hair blow dryers. It was a totally new world. I made friends - people who liked me and were kind and included me at lunch and after school activities.

At the end of the school year, one of the closest friends I'd made, S, was celebrating her birthday with a sleep-over and invited me to her party. I was SO excited. She had fun friends, including people I had classes with but hadn't really had a chance to get to know. One of them was R. She was sweet, pretty, funny, well-dressed, talented in sports, confident, and popular. She was someone that I admired from afar and aspired to be perceived like.

The night of S's party, I was a little like a fish out of water. Most of the girls had gone to S's middle school and knew each other. Some knew me, others didn't. I wasn't a super girly girl, and all these girls were. They were playing with makeup and doing their hair and talking about boys. I sort of sat back and observed a lot of it, not wanting to do or say the wrong thing. Out of nowhere, R walked over to me as I was sitting on S's bed geek bopping, handed me a brush, and said "brush my hair." She crossed one foot over the other, and in one graceful move, spun and landed with her legs crossed sitting in front of me.

Uh... whuh?

I have to tell you about R's hair. It was long, blonde, and perfectly done every day. Every.day. She did it straight, curly, up, down, but her bangs were perfect mid-90's glory that could have withstood a hurricane. Her hair was what I could only assume was her Thing. And she was asking me to brush it. So. I did. And it sounds weird, but we've been friends ever since. She invited me to her BBQ she was having the next day, and we were inseparable for the next 4 years.

R and I have been friends for over 17 years now. We were close all through high school, and despite going to separate colleges and settling in cities 2 hours apart, have stayed close over the years. We have that awesome kind of friendship where we may not talk constantly now as busy adults, but when we get together for lunch, it takes us a good 30 minutes before we even look at the menu, and we chat for three hours. No matter how long we're apart, we pick right back up and it's like there was no time or distance between us. She was a bridesmaid in my wedding and I was her matron of honor. I was the first person she told when she found out she was expecting.

And today, she became a mom, and I became an auntie. Auntie Nerd, to be exact, honoring the nickname we've used for each other for the last 17 years. It's been a rough road for me, navigating my feelings about her pregnancy, but today, I feel nothing but joy. If I didn't have to work tomorrow, I'd be in the car on the way to our hometown to hold that baby. I am just so excited! I can't wait for all the things her daughter and I will hopefully do, see, and bake together. And although I won't connect with her as a mom, I can't wait for the next stage of our friendship.

Uh, and you should see the picture of her from just after the birth. Perfect hair. Of course.




This post is part of Ginger's Bring Back the Words. Click the link to go to the prompt and check out the other entries.

Timeline of Exhaustion

I'm almost close to passing out, I'm so tired. Last night was almost comical, so I figured I'd share how I turned from a well-rested person into a giggling maniac. It's a good thing I've reached my fun-money budget because I'd probably be ordering some crazy shit right now.

8:30PM: I fall asleep on the couch, under 3 dogs (we got a third dog, if you haven't heard)

11:30PM: Buddy wakes me up to go to bed. My body apparently feels like 3 hours was a nice little nap, I feel alive and energized, and I can't shut my brain off.

11:30-1:00AM: I think about all sorts of things. Buddy snores. I push him over every 5 minutes telling him to roll over.

1:30AM: I'm mad at my sweatpants and have to pee. I find capris to sleep in and think I can finally sleep. I shove Buddy a few more times and he finally finds a position where he's quiet enough for me to not feel like I want to punch him. I love him, I really do. But I need quiet to fall asleep.

2:00AM Paisley gets up and pukes on the floor. I get up to clean up and discover that at some point, somepuppy also peed on the carpet. The commotion stirs Buddy enough that he moves and starts up with the snoring again.

2:05AM: Buddy wakes to me standing over him saying "please roll the fuck over. I can't sleep with you snoring and a dog peed on the carpet and...."

2:06AM: I burst into tears while Buddy calms me for 22 seconds before he starts snoring again.

2:07AM: I calculate how much it would cost to replace all the carpet in the house with tile/anything but carpet.

2:13-4:45AM: At some point, I fall asleep. Sort of.

2:30AM: I'm hungry.

4:45AM: The dogs start stirring and wake me up. I lay still so they won't think I'm getting up to feed them.

5:00AM: Buddy's alarm goes off and I have to get up, too. Any possible sleep potential is flushed down the toilet and I'm officially a zombie for the day.

5:15AM: Shower, slap makeup on, I think I wore clothes.

6:45AM: I grab a pumpkin spice chai latte in a desperate attempt to make myself feel slightly awake.

Yada yada yada, boring accounting stuff...

2:30PM: I reach the point of goofiness and I'm pretty sure my new boss thinks I'm an idiot. I book a $1.4M entry backwards with the world watching. Okay, not the world, but a lot of people. People with Maseratis and stay-at-home wives. I feel glad that one of the company mandated goals in 2014 is literally "do my job," because I feel like I can crush that most days and days like this will be a wash.

2:41PM: I find out you can rotate a PDF instead of tilting your head to the side or rotating the screen. Coworkers have a good laugh at my expense, despite the fact I brought them all Munchkins yesterday. Jerks.

2:45PM: Stay-Awake Geek Bopping

At some point, I drove home.

6:57PM: Bed time, is that you?

6:58PM: I'm bored with this post, but I already wrote it, and now you will ALL suffer!

Night, peeps :)

Obligatory "Happy Fall, Y'all" Post

I love this image from Pinterest. It cracks me up and rings so true of what my near-entire Facebook, Pinterest, and Twitter feeds are full of right now. Every year, it seems, as soon as the temps start to cool, and Starbucks brings back its famous Fall drink, everyone goes nuts for all things Autumn. And I am always jealous, because it's still over 100 degrees here most days in Arizona. We'll be well into the rest of the country's Fall before we get our own sweet relief from the heat and our landscape is slightly less brown. But still, it is one of my favorite times of year. Fall and Winter mean family holidays, football, yummy food, sweaters being appropriate (I work in a cold office, so I wear them year round, anyway), our wedding anniversary, and just generally being able to be outside comfortably. For us, Fall is the kick-off of grilling season, because you finally don't feeling you're standing over an oven (of sorts) while simultaneously standing IN one. It's also my favorite time for crafts - wreaths, gifts, and decor to make our house feel festive and even more homey than usual.

So I hope you and your family have a wonderful Fall. Bust out the boots, enjoy your tailgating, and yes, have yourself a pumpkin spice latte.



This post is a link up with Ginger's Bring Back the Words. Visit her blog to check out the other posts.

32 Candles

This past June, I turned 32. Solidly in my 30's. And it was honestly one of my best birthdays. On my actual birthday, I actually went to work- I usually take it off. We had dinner with friends at one of my favorite restaurants (don't laugh), Native New Yorker and spent our late evening watching movies and eating ice cream.

The day after my birthday was the most unexpected, wonderful surprise. It was the 2 year anniversary of the day we got Buddy's test results. It's a day that stays in my mind as an AWFUL day. The day after my 30th birthday was honestly one of my worst - it was just heart-breaking for us both. The day after my 31st, a somber day that I tried my best to not be ruined, but still felt "blah," no matter what I tried to make myself feel. But the day after my 32nd birthday - that was amazing.

Without my knowing, my incredible husband planned a surprise party for me. I had suspicions, but nothing was concrete enough to make me know for sure. He cleaned the house, shopped in secret, invited friends. He made enough food for 20 people under the guise of "well, we can freeze meals and make it into good stuff later." My own medicine, used against me. I even tried to call his bluff as a last ditch effort to learn his motives, changing into PJs and figuring he would never let me answer the door in my pajamas. I was wrong. He invited about 6 couples over and when I opened the door for the first, I was most definitely wearing a tank top and my cupcake PJ pants. He even had a friend make me a cake - in the same flavor of the wedding cake the day we got married. We hung out, drank, ate, and laughed all night. It was perfect.

I always bragged that I was too nosy and too sneaky to ever be surprised with a party, and the day after I turned 32, I was just about proven wrong. It was more than just throwing me a birthday party. Buddy knew the day after my birthday is difficult, and he did what he could to make it a day I'd remember for something good. And he was amazingly successful.

"WTF, seriously?" is the best tile I could come up with

I got a text a few nights ago that my sister was diagnosed with PCOS. Wow. It still feels a little surreal. What are the chances that two of us in one family would have issues? It made me hurt for her. I know how sad and scary it is to have a diagnosis that puts fertility and a baby in jeopardy. I felt angry that my sister would have to hurt. I fought back tears as I told her I was sorry and then I set to work. I called on my private message board girls and asked them what she needed to know. I gave her all the information I could - we had a two hour conversation about what she should do, what to expect. I gave her every bit of information I had so that she could get the best possible and most thorough care, so she could advocate for herself.

She made an appointment with an RE and even sent me a draft of an email to her new boss to critique regarding needing to miss time at her first week at a new job. And then yesterday, I found out she started fertility meds with a nurse at her OB's office who works part time at a fertility clinic. I panicked and felt punched in the gut. I know it's irrational, but I felt hurt, and shocked. Here I had armed her with everything I could, and I felt like everything I said went in one ear and out the other. I feel that she's not being diligent or responsible with her health, and it scares me. It makes me angry, with both her and her nurse. Fertility meds aren't a joke. They're not candy. There can be adverse effects. Not to mention, she hasn't had all the testing she needs - what they're doing could be risky to her health when they may only know part of the picture. I probably freaked her out, telling her again what she needed to do.

One thing that stands out is that my sister is very conscientious about what she puts in her body. She's an avid swimmer and runner, watches what she eats (albeit displaying some possibly disordered behavior at times), and seems educated on nutrition. And yet, she'll take drugs she knows nothing about, based on our conversations. When I was in New York, I overheard a conversation between her and my mom where she said she couldn't have protein powder with 5% RDA vitamin A in it because she was taking a prenatal with 100% RDA and that could be dangerous. Yet, a simple Google search led me to info that toxic levels of vitamin A result from sustained levels of 25,000 iu a day, something she'd be highly unlikely to surpass with just a protein shake and a vitamin. So while she's aware of what she's putting in her body, I feel she's misinformed, both when it comes to vitamins and when it comes to fertility drugs.

I feel like this shouldn't upset me. She's an adult. She can do what she wants. And yet, I feel it's the flippant prescribing and taking of fertility meds just like this situation that give fertility treatment a bad name, make it a joke, keep people thinking it's okay to take Clomid without proper care. And I feel snubbed. I gave her info because I care, not for shits and giggles. This isn't stuff I want to know. And then there's the stupid thinking that if she is successful going this route, she'll think I over-reacted. I don't feel I am. Actually, I know I'm not. I won't ever feel sorry for thinking she should go see an RE, complete testing, and do this responsibly with a professional who is trained and educated in the treatment of infertility. It frustrates me and makes me want to throw things. I feel strongly she rushed into this. I'm mad that her doctor/nurse/whatever isn't being a responsible professional by not referring her and insisting she go to the right kind of doctor. I feel like the sister I know would scoff at "she's a nurse at my OB who works part time at a fertility clinic." A nurse. Who works part time. Really? It just blows my mind.

I know I need to let it go. She's going to do what she and her husband feel is right, just like Buddy and I did. She's choosing a direction I wouldn't choose and I need to respect that. But I can't. I can't stop thinking about it and shaking my head and thinking "WTF, seriously?" I never expected this turn - for her or for me - and certainly never could have expected all these thoughts and emotions.

Home

Home. When I think about it, a couple of different places come to mind. However, when I really think of where I crave being when I'm away (like I am now), I think of our Home in Peoria, Arizona.

I was born and raised in Tucson, Arizona, and lived there until I went to college at Northern Arizona University in Flagstaff. That worked out for two years until I decided to transfer to the University of Arizona and change my major from optometry to accounting (I am SO exciting). I loved Flagstaff, but the break-up of my relationship with my high school boyfriend made it a painful place to be. I ran from it, quite honestly. My broken heart needed comforts only a hometown can provide. When I graduated from UofA, I moved to Scottsdale for my first job and lived with a friend. After I got more settled, I chose an apartment in northern Phoenix. I moved to a new apartment every year (sorry, Dad!) for the next three years until I settled - single for the first time in over 2 years - in Ahwatukee, a southern neighborhood of Phoenix. 

And then I met Buddy. We lived in Ahwatukee until March of 2011, when we bought our house in a northwestern suburb of Phoenix. We specifically looked in the area we did to get him closer to his work and to get the most house for our money - Ahwatukee was simply too expensive and the commute was miserable for Buddy. Even though leaving Ahwatukee took us 25 miles farther from my family in Tucson, it put us close to where we spent our time on weekends, with friends and his parents. It felt like the true start of our marriage, quite honestly, though we'd been married almost 18 months at the time.

When we purchased our home, we thought of it as a starter home. We chose which bedroom would be the nursery and knew that within 5-7 years, we'd be looking for a larger home to have enough room for the 2 children we imagined. Time and life have passed, and we now think of the house as our forever home. We don't debate whether bigger projects should be done - I used to have a fear about doing a big project and loving it and having to leave it. We both feel that will never be an issue - we both see ourselves staying in our home for... well, ever. We hate moving, love our home, and see no reason to leave. We're set.

The thing is - and it's funny that this topic came up on one of my private IF-related FB groups tonight - is that there's a part of me that wonders sometimes if someday I'll crave a totally new home. We chose this house as the place to raise a young family. I still sometimes think "this was supposed to be the nursery" when I walk into my office/craft room. Not every time, but the thought is there now and then. It doesn't knock me back or cause an aversion to the room. It just is. But if we had a home that was chosen and only lived in after infertility, after choosing childfree, would it be easier? That's the only reason I could think of to ever leave our home. To have a clean slate - a home with no kid-related dreams tied to it. A home where I wouldn't be thinking "this is where we were supposed to raise a family," but rather, "this is where I'll grow old with him." Can I have that in our home? I don't know. I think the "life should have been..." thoughts could follow us anywhere, if I allow it to. I'd rather stay - at least for a while - in the house we first shared as husband and wife and focus on that wonderful milestone in our home.

This post was prompted by Ginger's Bring Back the Words - go check out the other posts :)

The One Where You Find Out I Have Questionable Taste in Television

Pull up a chair, have a seat on the couch. One of Ginger's Bring Back the Words topics this week is favorite TV shows, and well, I'm more than qualified to discuss this one. I'm not sure you can say you learn a lot about a person based on their TV show choices, but I suppose it's possible. What does the fact that my tastes are almost equally divided between Food Network, trashy reality, and sitcoms say about me? You tell me.

In no particular order, my favorite shows:

The Big Bang Theory - LOVE this show. I love Sheldon in particular, as well as Penny. I'm not super geeky about it. I sing Soft Kitty and am familiar with Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock, but I don't have fan gear or anything like that. But I could watch this for hours on end.

Parks and Recreation - I forgot this one and had to come back and had it. I love April and Andy, and Anne, and Leslie. And Ben. And Tom. And Ron, of course. It's brilliant and funny and feel-good like little else on TV is.

Master Chef - I want to be on this one, but I have to work on my skills. I have a serious crush on Graham Elliot and love me some Gordon Ramsay. I just love watching people grow on this show and am always impressed by the volume of knowledge these home cooks have.

Chopped - another huge favorite cooking show, I really enjoy the adrenaline rush and creativity. Dan and I like to play our own little virtual home game. We'll ask each other what we would make with the basket (not that we'd necessarily even know how). On road trips, we'll name four random ingredients to try to stump each other.

Will & Grace - I loved Megan Mullaly as Karen and Jack was just the funniest, sweetest, sassiest character. I wanted to be his friend. It did eventually derail some for me, but early W&G was wonderful.

Toddlers and Tiaras - here's where things go downhill. I just adore T&T. I love the crazy moms, the whiny kids, and pageant judges, the props, and costumes. I giggle with delight when a mom says that her tantrum-throwing, screeching toddler just loves performing and being on stage. It's one of my favorite train wrecks.

Teen Mom - speaking of train wrecks, this little MTV offering is FULL of shenanigans. I admit I'm not sure how I feel about the cast of Teen Mom 3, but the first two were fantastic, in a "why am I watching this crap... WTF, Farrah?! Chelsea, you IDIOT!" kind of way.

The Office - I miss this show. So so much. Granted, most of the best episodes were before the departure of Michael Scott, but there was just something so endearing about this series from start to finish. I'd gladly watch a marathon any day.

Laguna Beach - otherwise known as "the beginning of my love affair with reality TV." I was definitely Team LC, and still am. There's something that captivates me about rich 16-year-olds who have absolutely no clue of the real world and consider "dunzo" to be a word. Loved it from minute one.

Wife Swap - oh, the awesomeness. You take an uptight, regimented, feminist upper-class mom and make her trade families with a submissive hill-billy wife with an affinity for burping contests and chili dogs and you get something amazing. LOVE.

Ace of Cakes - probably one of my super-faves, despite the fact that there hasn't been a new episode in well over 2 years. I have a crush on Chef Duff (how could you not, I mean, really?) and I just love his staff. They're funny, creative and talented, and I'd flip at a chance to learn from them for just a day. When I visited Baltimore with Buddy, I may or may not have hung out at the bar across the street for 2 hours hoping to catch a glimpse of Duff.

Other favorites that I just about never miss: Bar Rescue, Restaurant Impossible, Iron Chef, Deadliest Catch Honey Boo Boo, Dance Moms.

Okay, so when I said  "equally divided" up there to describe my tastes, I was delusional. I clearly have a strong attraction to reality TV.

Memories

One of the hardest parts about infertility for me is thinking about the things my husband is missing out on by not being a father. I see him with our dogs or with other people's children, and he is just so fun. He brags about how our pups follow him around doing yard work and talks about the funny things our friends' kids do or say.

One of my earliest memories as a child was playing baseball in the front yard with my dad. We had a huge yard that was divided into three spaces: grass in the very front, then gravel in the middle, and in inner courtyard where we had out patio table that we'd use to eat at in the summer. Don't think this was a sprawling estate, by any means - the house was barely 900 square feet with the addition my parents completed, but the yard was a kid's dream. It may not be as big as I remember, but for a young child, it felt that we had so much space and plenty of room to enjoy our swing set, tree house, and sand box. We didn't want for anything, when it came to a place to play. I was a tomboy, daddy's little girl, and I got a big red bat and ball for my 4th birthday. I would pitch to my dad and he would - of course - hit the ball clear from the grass in the front all the way to the house. I would make him crawl around the bases while I ran as fast as I could to retrieve the ball. He always let me win, as daddies do. I just had do much fun playing with him. He still talks about those games in the yard - they were obviously unforgettable and special for us both.

And yet it's those memories that also break my heart. I see so many of my dad's best qualities in my husband, I can't help but be assured that Buddy would be an amazing dad, too. The bright side is, I can see him - both of us, actually - being really special and fun people in our friends' kids' lives. It's one of the things we thought of when making our decision - we could still have an impact on children in our lives without being parents. My husband may never crawl the bases in our yard with his own daughter, but I hope he can be Awesome Uncle Buddy for kids we love.





I'm linking up with Ramble Ramble's Bring Back the Words... come join us!

Moving on up!

This past weekend, I met up with 7 of the other volunteers in my area for an appreciation breakfast "hosted" by Resolve. It was amazing to get to meet other support group leaders, help-line answer-ers and one of my fellow Walk of Hope 2014 planners. Did I mention that? I'm the co-chair for planning AZ's Walk of Hope in 2014! After breakfast, one of the other planners - who happens to also be a board member for Resolve - and I got to talk about our strategy for next year's Walk in terms of marketing and approach with the area's doctors. I'm so excited to be getting more involved in an organization and a cause I feel so much excitement for. Turns out, the plan is for me to help plan 2014, and take over as the lead in 2015. Ahhhh! Very exciting. And, even better, the planner/board member is looking to step down from being the coordinator for AZ volunteers so she can focus on her board member position. So she was thrilled that I was interested in taking the coordinator position.

This is truly my passion. It keeps me sane. It gives me a purpose. It turns something awful in our life into something beautiful. Resolve helps give other women and couples the gift I feel so blessed by, and I'd truly do anything to contribute to the cause. I've made it my goal to go to Advocacy Day in 2014, and now I have quite a few other things on my plate, and I could not be more thrilled.

Thank you, thank you, thank you to the 75 ladies I hold so dear for being such a support as I find my stride in advocacy. You've given me a confidence I can't repay you for :)