Where are your manners?

Now is a great time to have Ginger's latest Bring Back the Words prompt, because oh boy, do I have something to get off my chest.

Buddy is the best man in a wedding on Thursday afternoon (not evening. Afternoon). Groom is his friend since 4th grade. He lived with us as a roommate for 6 months after his first marriage fell apart and started dating Bride before he'd even moved out from his home with his first wife. Anyway, Buddy is the best man. On Sunday, after dinner, Groom asked us to come meet him at the bar his brother works at for a drink. Buddy told me on the way over that at the bachelor/ette party (yes, joint), Groom had asked if he could stay with us this week because Bride wants to build wedding day anticipation by being apart, and that was probably what he wanted to talk to us about. Buddy said Groom told him it would mean a lot to him, and who am I to say no, and fine whatever. So we had a couple of drinks and went home. 

Yesterday, apparently, Groom texted Buddy, "Hey, Brooke mentioned the rehearsal dinner last night. My parents are only inviting the bridal party." So Buddy texted me that I'm not invited to the RD, and I was like, "rude, but whatever." But now, the more I think about it, I am pissed. Okay, so judge me how you will, but I spent the better part of a couple of years spending a lot of free time on the Etiquette board of TheKnot.com. I'm pretty well versed in the etiquette of weddings, and have particularly strong feelings about a few things. Yes, I acknowledge that there are some things that are antiquated and that etiquette evolves with social and cultural norms, but one thing I do not ever feel is appropriate is inviting only one spouse to a social event. Okay, I can think of one exception - I was fine with a coworker only inviting us without our spouses to his small wedding, as I was pleased to be invited without Buddy than not at all to witness his wedding and Buddy would have been bored anyway. I think the coworker exception can be reasonable. But for 99.99% of situations, spouses should be invited. Period, end of story. I don't care if you hate your best friend's husband of 15 years because he has awful taste in clothes and wear mandals everywhere and has an annoying hyena laugh that he uses after his endless inappropriate jokes. He's your best friend's husband and you invite him and smile and thank them for coming and thank your lucky stars she married him and took him off the market so you'd never have to. 

So I'm uninvited to the rehearsal dinner. Or more like not invited to begin with, which is rude in and of itself. I am trying to remember, but I think the envelope the rehearsal dinner invitation came in was addressed to Buddy without my name, so YES, I wrongfully assumed I was invited. BUT, the invitation came from Groom's parents, and Groom's mom also hosted Bride's shower, the invitation to which I received only two days prior to said shower. So I probably didn't think anything of it, or I chalked it up to general ignorance or mess (this is not the most well planned wedding, folks) and didn't give it another thought. Never did it actually cross my mind that I wasn't invited. Because people with decent manners, which I assume just about everyone to be, wouldn't do that. 

So aside from the etiquette part of it, where the gracious Emily Post tells us that we invite spouses and we go out of our way to make our guests comfortable because etiquette is about being a gracious host and not an asshole, I have a few other reasons I'm miffed and ranty. First, Groom's sister and her family live next door to Groom's parents. Neither Sister nor her children are in the bridal party. So is she invited? Kind of hard to have a fancy dinner for one child with the other next door and not invite them. What about the husband of Bride's sister, who is the maid of honor? Will Bride insist her brother-in-law is invited? And if she does, do I have any grounds to feel "why her and not me? I'm a spouse, too." It makes me feel like my marriage is not being acknowledged. Buddy and I are a unit. And if an exception is going to be made for anyone else on this "bridal party only" nonsense, it's hurtful that it's not going to be made for us.

Second, I'm making the Bride and Groom's wedding cake and cupcakes. I know that doesn't make me bridal party, but considering I'm the wife of the best man and I'm allowing the Groom to stay in my home while they do this anticipating the moment thing (yes, I'm eye-rolly), does that not give me a leg up for an invite? So basically, Groom and Buddy are going to go to Groom's parents' house for dinner Wednesday while I'm knee deep in cake frosting and covered in flour and I'm left to fend for myself. That just seems... rude. On a different level from not being invited just based on my spousal status. Like how awkward is it going to be when Groom and Buddy leave the house Wednesday evening and they're all, "see you later Brooke. We're going to go have dinner. Thanks again for making my wedding cake." Is that not weird to anyone else?

And something someone else brought up is that this event is linked to a wedding, an event where one ACQUIRES a SPOUSE. it was actually mentioned in the context of someone on Twitter saying they hadn't been invited to an actual wedding (as opposed to a rehearsal dinner) with their spouse, but still. Weddings are about marriage and joining families and celebrating love, and these people are basically saying "eff you" to all of that, in my mind. "Let's celebrate Bride and Groom getting married while completely disregarding the marriages of the people Bride and Groom care enough about to stand up in this circus of a wedding." Makes sense. 

So, yeah, I'm pissed. It's just rude on many levels. And I'm not the only one who's upset by it. My husband is, too. Do you know what it takes to make a guy like Buddy - who doesn't know Etiquette from Adam - say "WTF?" Asshatery, that's what. I admit, I'm lucky in this way - we like to be together a lot. He's fine with me going out and doing things on my own and with my friends and doesn't feel that he always wants to accompany me. But he likes me to come with him to most things when he has to go some event or whatnot. He's bummed I won't be there with him, and his general statement is "at least I'll have an excuse to leave early - I want to come home and help with the cupcakes you're making as a favor to them." (It's not truly a favor. They paid me. But their other friend/baker backed out, and I basically have to use my vacation so that I can make cake and cupcakes for a Thursday afternoon wedding. So yes, it feels favor-y). So he gets it. And I feel justified in feeling totally snubbed.

That's my rant. People, invite spouses to things. It's the right thing to do, if for no other reason than to keep people from getting pissed off and going on the interwebs to complain about you.  

Check out the link-up on Ginger's blog

I'm an Auntie!

Like it did for a lot of people, middle school sucked for me. Absolutely S-U-C-K-E-D. People were awful, mean, nasty, and I hated every second of my two years in that hell. High school was my new beginning. Most of the kids from my high school went to our neighborhood school, but I went to a magnet school across town. It was awesome to meet all new people. I stopped doing synchronized swimming after 4 years and decided to focus on traditional competitive swimming as a freshman, and I was great at it. I took art and dance and excelled at science. I discovered contact lenses and hair blow dryers. It was a totally new world. I made friends - people who liked me and were kind and included me at lunch and after school activities.

At the end of the school year, one of the closest friends I'd made, S, was celebrating her birthday with a sleep-over and invited me to her party. I was SO excited. She had fun friends, including people I had classes with but hadn't really had a chance to get to know. One of them was R. She was sweet, pretty, funny, well-dressed, talented in sports, confident, and popular. She was someone that I admired from afar and aspired to be perceived like.

The night of S's party, I was a little like a fish out of water. Most of the girls had gone to S's middle school and knew each other. Some knew me, others didn't. I wasn't a super girly girl, and all these girls were. They were playing with makeup and doing their hair and talking about boys. I sort of sat back and observed a lot of it, not wanting to do or say the wrong thing. Out of nowhere, R walked over to me as I was sitting on S's bed geek bopping, handed me a brush, and said "brush my hair." She crossed one foot over the other, and in one graceful move, spun and landed with her legs crossed sitting in front of me.

Uh... whuh?

I have to tell you about R's hair. It was long, blonde, and perfectly done every day. Every.day. She did it straight, curly, up, down, but her bangs were perfect mid-90's glory that could have withstood a hurricane. Her hair was what I could only assume was her Thing. And she was asking me to brush it. So. I did. And it sounds weird, but we've been friends ever since. She invited me to her BBQ she was having the next day, and we were inseparable for the next 4 years.

R and I have been friends for over 17 years now. We were close all through high school, and despite going to separate colleges and settling in cities 2 hours apart, have stayed close over the years. We have that awesome kind of friendship where we may not talk constantly now as busy adults, but when we get together for lunch, it takes us a good 30 minutes before we even look at the menu, and we chat for three hours. No matter how long we're apart, we pick right back up and it's like there was no time or distance between us. She was a bridesmaid in my wedding and I was her matron of honor. I was the first person she told when she found out she was expecting.

And today, she became a mom, and I became an auntie. Auntie Nerd, to be exact, honoring the nickname we've used for each other for the last 17 years. It's been a rough road for me, navigating my feelings about her pregnancy, but today, I feel nothing but joy. If I didn't have to work tomorrow, I'd be in the car on the way to our hometown to hold that baby. I am just so excited! I can't wait for all the things her daughter and I will hopefully do, see, and bake together. And although I won't connect with her as a mom, I can't wait for the next stage of our friendship.

Uh, and you should see the picture of her from just after the birth. Perfect hair. Of course.




This post is part of Ginger's Bring Back the Words. Click the link to go to the prompt and check out the other entries.

Obligatory "Happy Fall, Y'all" Post

I love this image from Pinterest. It cracks me up and rings so true of what my near-entire Facebook, Pinterest, and Twitter feeds are full of right now. Every year, it seems, as soon as the temps start to cool, and Starbucks brings back its famous Fall drink, everyone goes nuts for all things Autumn. And I am always jealous, because it's still over 100 degrees here most days in Arizona. We'll be well into the rest of the country's Fall before we get our own sweet relief from the heat and our landscape is slightly less brown. But still, it is one of my favorite times of year. Fall and Winter mean family holidays, football, yummy food, sweaters being appropriate (I work in a cold office, so I wear them year round, anyway), our wedding anniversary, and just generally being able to be outside comfortably. For us, Fall is the kick-off of grilling season, because you finally don't feeling you're standing over an oven (of sorts) while simultaneously standing IN one. It's also my favorite time for crafts - wreaths, gifts, and decor to make our house feel festive and even more homey than usual.

So I hope you and your family have a wonderful Fall. Bust out the boots, enjoy your tailgating, and yes, have yourself a pumpkin spice latte.



This post is a link up with Ginger's Bring Back the Words. Visit her blog to check out the other posts.

Home

Home. When I think about it, a couple of different places come to mind. However, when I really think of where I crave being when I'm away (like I am now), I think of our Home in Peoria, Arizona.

I was born and raised in Tucson, Arizona, and lived there until I went to college at Northern Arizona University in Flagstaff. That worked out for two years until I decided to transfer to the University of Arizona and change my major from optometry to accounting (I am SO exciting). I loved Flagstaff, but the break-up of my relationship with my high school boyfriend made it a painful place to be. I ran from it, quite honestly. My broken heart needed comforts only a hometown can provide. When I graduated from UofA, I moved to Scottsdale for my first job and lived with a friend. After I got more settled, I chose an apartment in northern Phoenix. I moved to a new apartment every year (sorry, Dad!) for the next three years until I settled - single for the first time in over 2 years - in Ahwatukee, a southern neighborhood of Phoenix. 

And then I met Buddy. We lived in Ahwatukee until March of 2011, when we bought our house in a northwestern suburb of Phoenix. We specifically looked in the area we did to get him closer to his work and to get the most house for our money - Ahwatukee was simply too expensive and the commute was miserable for Buddy. Even though leaving Ahwatukee took us 25 miles farther from my family in Tucson, it put us close to where we spent our time on weekends, with friends and his parents. It felt like the true start of our marriage, quite honestly, though we'd been married almost 18 months at the time.

When we purchased our home, we thought of it as a starter home. We chose which bedroom would be the nursery and knew that within 5-7 years, we'd be looking for a larger home to have enough room for the 2 children we imagined. Time and life have passed, and we now think of the house as our forever home. We don't debate whether bigger projects should be done - I used to have a fear about doing a big project and loving it and having to leave it. We both feel that will never be an issue - we both see ourselves staying in our home for... well, ever. We hate moving, love our home, and see no reason to leave. We're set.

The thing is - and it's funny that this topic came up on one of my private IF-related FB groups tonight - is that there's a part of me that wonders sometimes if someday I'll crave a totally new home. We chose this house as the place to raise a young family. I still sometimes think "this was supposed to be the nursery" when I walk into my office/craft room. Not every time, but the thought is there now and then. It doesn't knock me back or cause an aversion to the room. It just is. But if we had a home that was chosen and only lived in after infertility, after choosing childfree, would it be easier? That's the only reason I could think of to ever leave our home. To have a clean slate - a home with no kid-related dreams tied to it. A home where I wouldn't be thinking "this is where we were supposed to raise a family," but rather, "this is where I'll grow old with him." Can I have that in our home? I don't know. I think the "life should have been..." thoughts could follow us anywhere, if I allow it to. I'd rather stay - at least for a while - in the house we first shared as husband and wife and focus on that wonderful milestone in our home.

This post was prompted by Ginger's Bring Back the Words - go check out the other posts :)

The One Where You Find Out I Have Questionable Taste in Television

Pull up a chair, have a seat on the couch. One of Ginger's Bring Back the Words topics this week is favorite TV shows, and well, I'm more than qualified to discuss this one. I'm not sure you can say you learn a lot about a person based on their TV show choices, but I suppose it's possible. What does the fact that my tastes are almost equally divided between Food Network, trashy reality, and sitcoms say about me? You tell me.

In no particular order, my favorite shows:

The Big Bang Theory - LOVE this show. I love Sheldon in particular, as well as Penny. I'm not super geeky about it. I sing Soft Kitty and am familiar with Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock, but I don't have fan gear or anything like that. But I could watch this for hours on end.

Parks and Recreation - I forgot this one and had to come back and had it. I love April and Andy, and Anne, and Leslie. And Ben. And Tom. And Ron, of course. It's brilliant and funny and feel-good like little else on TV is.

Master Chef - I want to be on this one, but I have to work on my skills. I have a serious crush on Graham Elliot and love me some Gordon Ramsay. I just love watching people grow on this show and am always impressed by the volume of knowledge these home cooks have.

Chopped - another huge favorite cooking show, I really enjoy the adrenaline rush and creativity. Dan and I like to play our own little virtual home game. We'll ask each other what we would make with the basket (not that we'd necessarily even know how). On road trips, we'll name four random ingredients to try to stump each other.

Will & Grace - I loved Megan Mullaly as Karen and Jack was just the funniest, sweetest, sassiest character. I wanted to be his friend. It did eventually derail some for me, but early W&G was wonderful.

Toddlers and Tiaras - here's where things go downhill. I just adore T&T. I love the crazy moms, the whiny kids, and pageant judges, the props, and costumes. I giggle with delight when a mom says that her tantrum-throwing, screeching toddler just loves performing and being on stage. It's one of my favorite train wrecks.

Teen Mom - speaking of train wrecks, this little MTV offering is FULL of shenanigans. I admit I'm not sure how I feel about the cast of Teen Mom 3, but the first two were fantastic, in a "why am I watching this crap... WTF, Farrah?! Chelsea, you IDIOT!" kind of way.

The Office - I miss this show. So so much. Granted, most of the best episodes were before the departure of Michael Scott, but there was just something so endearing about this series from start to finish. I'd gladly watch a marathon any day.

Laguna Beach - otherwise known as "the beginning of my love affair with reality TV." I was definitely Team LC, and still am. There's something that captivates me about rich 16-year-olds who have absolutely no clue of the real world and consider "dunzo" to be a word. Loved it from minute one.

Wife Swap - oh, the awesomeness. You take an uptight, regimented, feminist upper-class mom and make her trade families with a submissive hill-billy wife with an affinity for burping contests and chili dogs and you get something amazing. LOVE.

Ace of Cakes - probably one of my super-faves, despite the fact that there hasn't been a new episode in well over 2 years. I have a crush on Chef Duff (how could you not, I mean, really?) and I just love his staff. They're funny, creative and talented, and I'd flip at a chance to learn from them for just a day. When I visited Baltimore with Buddy, I may or may not have hung out at the bar across the street for 2 hours hoping to catch a glimpse of Duff.

Other favorites that I just about never miss: Bar Rescue, Restaurant Impossible, Iron Chef, Deadliest Catch Honey Boo Boo, Dance Moms.

Okay, so when I said  "equally divided" up there to describe my tastes, I was delusional. I clearly have a strong attraction to reality TV.

Memories

One of the hardest parts about infertility for me is thinking about the things my husband is missing out on by not being a father. I see him with our dogs or with other people's children, and he is just so fun. He brags about how our pups follow him around doing yard work and talks about the funny things our friends' kids do or say.

One of my earliest memories as a child was playing baseball in the front yard with my dad. We had a huge yard that was divided into three spaces: grass in the very front, then gravel in the middle, and in inner courtyard where we had out patio table that we'd use to eat at in the summer. Don't think this was a sprawling estate, by any means - the house was barely 900 square feet with the addition my parents completed, but the yard was a kid's dream. It may not be as big as I remember, but for a young child, it felt that we had so much space and plenty of room to enjoy our swing set, tree house, and sand box. We didn't want for anything, when it came to a place to play. I was a tomboy, daddy's little girl, and I got a big red bat and ball for my 4th birthday. I would pitch to my dad and he would - of course - hit the ball clear from the grass in the front all the way to the house. I would make him crawl around the bases while I ran as fast as I could to retrieve the ball. He always let me win, as daddies do. I just had do much fun playing with him. He still talks about those games in the yard - they were obviously unforgettable and special for us both.

And yet it's those memories that also break my heart. I see so many of my dad's best qualities in my husband, I can't help but be assured that Buddy would be an amazing dad, too. The bright side is, I can see him - both of us, actually - being really special and fun people in our friends' kids' lives. It's one of the things we thought of when making our decision - we could still have an impact on children in our lives without being parents. My husband may never crawl the bases in our yard with his own daughter, but I hope he can be Awesome Uncle Buddy for kids we love.





I'm linking up with Ramble Ramble's Bring Back the Words... come join us!