Hi! I haven't been around, sorry. I haven't really been around anywhere with social media as of late. I took on a new job at work, and I realized how much free time I had on my hands. And how much privacy I enjoyed in my lonely cube. I have no real time for blogging now. But I also realized that I blog when I need to get things out and vent. It's easier for me to write when there's emotion charging me. And, to be honest, I've been doing pretty okay.
Taking a step back from thebump.com has been good for me. I wouldn't say I was dwelling on IF - because it's not really ever going away - but being part of that particular community seemed to fuel the worst parts of my feelings about our situation, and it didn't always bring out the best in me. However, I'm in touch with most of the most supportive people on FB, so I still have that kinship without all the drama. It's been good. I pop in now and then, but the desire to stick around and pour over every thread is gone.
We've made some more home improvements. We painted our bedroom and fireplace, and have solid plans for a fireplace makeover hopefully before Christmas. I don't have the same dread for the holidays that I experienced last year, and that's been a relief. I expect I will feel something as it grows closer, but for now, I'm okay. I don't think Christmas will ever have that magic I loved again, but as long as the holiday doesn't make me want to run away and shut everything out like I felt last year, I can handle some apathy.
I also took the lead of a Resolve support group in my area and that's been good so far. Tonight is the second meeting, and I expect it will be small, but I'm such a believer in group support and believe I'm doing something good for both my soul and the good of others.
Of course, I still have my days. My high school boyfriend's wife recently gave birth, and that was hard. Not in a "that should be me" way - not.at.all. But in a "why does he get to grow up, find a spouse, and have a baby and I don't?" way. Some babies/pregnancies just hurt more than others, and it's definitely hard when I watch my school peers living dreams I had for myself. I feel so left behind at times. The other night, Buddy and I watched a romantic comedy, and in the entirely predictable ending the couple finally wound up married. I got teary and asked Buddy to turn it off before they showed them having a baby in the next scene (I assume). It is what it is - I have a hard time watching newlyweds move to the next step. I'm thankful Buddy understands and is supportive. He may not feel the same hurt, but he acknowledges that I do and does what he can to mitigate, and that's all I can ask for.
Hope you're all doing well. I try to promise not to be such a stranger. I think there are some interesting topics I want to touch on, and I need to put on my big girl panties and figure out what I want to say.
