Monday, January 30, 2012

Trucking Along

It's been an interesting few weeks. There's a lot of drama in our social circle right now. It's been awful and sad, and things are very uncertain for people we love, and that's disheartening. I've struggled a couple of times with our choice and my anger has shown and I've felt some shame over it. I think that's normal considering the gravity of life lately. I've arged with my mom about how her saying she "understands" this is insulting. We've had to set some new boundaries.

On the other hand, many great things have happened in our home. My craft room project is moving along with cleaning and organizing. Buddy bought me a tattoo symbolizing our struggle with IF and the bond it's fortified between us. Most days, I'm still in a good place with my "2012 has to be better than 2011" mindset. I deleted my baby stuff board on Pinterest - I felt I needed to let that go. Sure, there are days I'm sad, but overall, I just feel happy to be in a good place.

There isn't a whole lot to say - not much is going on, but I suppose that's a good thing. A month ago, I just wanted to be happy and live life, and I suppose that's exactly what we're doing. I'm moving away from things that are no longer fulfilling and replacing them with things that make me feel good. 2012 is going to see a very different Brooke than 2011 did, and I'm determined to take advantage of anything and everything that will bring happiness and peace to our home.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Shit Fertiles Say

I may or may not have spent my lunch break on Friday watching videos on YouTube called "Shit Girls Say," "Shit Guys Say," and their many iterations. Shit White Girls Say to Arab/Black/Asian Girls. Shit Christians Say to Jews. Shit Vegans Say. You should check them out. All hilarious, yet totally cringeworthy because I'm sure these are actually things the targets hear often. And I started to realize that someone needs to make one called, "Shit Fertiles Say." Even though I don't have a video camera and I'm not about to run out to get one, the transcript for such a video has been running through my head all weekend. I'm sure if you watch enough of the inspiration videos on YouTube you could imagine what it would look like. But here's my transcript.

"When are you guys having babies?"

"Are you propping your hips up?"

"You guys are doing it, right?"

"You have to get busy on the 14th day. Otherwise it won't work."

"My sister's friend's hairdresser's aunt's mailman was infertile and then they stopped trying and she was knocked up like that" ::finger snap::

"When are you guys having babies?"

"You should just adopt"



"You're selfish if you don't adopt"

"Maybe God doesn't mean for you to be a mom"

"Are you sure you're doing it right?"

"Ugh, he just breeeeathes on me and I get preggers."

"You want kids? Spend a day with my little terrors, you'll see."

"You know what you need? A vacation. Then you can relax"




"You need to get drunk and do it."

"Why would you do Clomid? It causes multiples. Like Jon and Kate."

"When are you guys having babies?"

"Ooooooh, you know who's pregnant? My 16-year-old cousin."

"Stop trying and relax."

"You can borrow my husband's sperm."

"If you were supposed to have a baby, you'd get pregnant."

"Obviously, it's just not your time."

"You'll never get pregnant if you don't relax."

"My sister tried for a long time. It took her like 3 months."

"Just do IVF."


"Stop trying"


"Worse things can happen."

"Are you sure you're doing it right?"

"I bet I know what the problem is.... you need to relax"

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Clean Slate

I spent most of the last quarter of 2011 just wishing I could go to sleep and wake up in 2012. I wanted a new start, a clean slate. I needed to be able to put the year behind me - the year that was so full of heartache that it took me doing a month-by-month recap of the year on my family blog to remember that we actually did have some fun in 2011 (and we bought a house!).

And now, it's 2012. And, quite honestly, as cheesy or optimistic as it sounds, my slate really does feel clean. I've never really been big on New Year's Eve. I've never seen it as all that much of a new start. Until this year. I put it in my head that a new calendar year could mean a new attitude, a new set of memories, a new everything. And so far, the whole 4 days of 2012 have been far better. I feel more at peace, more ready to take on what this new view of life will bring. It honestly feels as though, for the first time, I could set my mind to how I could be, and it worked.

I started my year doing my first project for the big thing I'm excited for this year: my craft room. I painted an old dresser of Buddy's a brilliant purple to go with the color scheme I have planned for the room. I talked excitedly with Buddy (as opposed to at him) about the plans for the room and how we would build the workspace. He gets that the craft room is symbolic of accepting a new life-plan and finding a new way to be productive. Also, I think he's just happy to see me truly thrilled about something again and wants to do whatever he can to foster it. I feel incredibly blessed and hopeful for the first time in 6 months. I had no idea how much I'd allowed myself to be weighed down.

I know there are still going to be times when the world feels crushing and unfair. But the success of envisioning and (so far) achieving a new perspective gives me hope and determination that I can give myself a clean slate if and when I ever need one again in the future. I am welcoming 2012 with open arms and know that there's nowhere to go from here but up.