I'm the first to admit I've been distant. From here, from groups, from family. Twitter's probably the only place I haven't pulled back from. Well, and a few individual friends. And work. Work gives me no choice but to be INCREDIBLY present. Anyway. I've been absent.
Someone - an IRL friend - asked me the other day how my sister was doing. My response was that I assumed she was well, but didn't really know. We haven't spoken aside from superficial "how's your week going texts." We've never been very close, so this is pretty normal for us. But my friend meant how my sister was doing in regard to pregnancy. And I know nothing. I don't know how her glucose test went, or when she started feeling kicks, or if she's already showing signs of giving birth soon now that she's almost 37 weeks. I know her due date and where she's delivering. Period. If they have a name chosen, I don't know what it is. I assume that if she was on bed rest or had GD or if something was wrong, they'd tell me. I assume no news is good news.
My friend's response was "that's so weeeeeird!" And she's right. It is. Most sisters of expectant women would know these things. I explained that I learned from my high school friend's pregnancy that sometimes you get more info than you ask for, and that sometimes that hurts. So I don't ask. On my sister/mom's side, they've simply not given any info without me asking. So if I don't ask, and they don't share, I know nothing. Again, my friend said "but that's so weeeeeeird." Yep. It's weird. It's weird and unfair and disappointing for all of us, I'm sure. I mean, I assume. I know it's that way for me.
The problem is, my distance - though seemingly what I wanted and have made for myself - brings new fears. I'm scared that my keeping people away, avoiding making plans, etc. is going to have long term effects on my relationship with my family. Yet, I don't want to actually DO anything about it. I don't want to go have lunch and see my sister's belly and talk or not talk about the baby - it's uncomfortable. I don't want to be anywhere that feels like the elephant in the room is my nephew. So I avoid. I take advantage of excuses. I don't make the effort to make plans. I don't know when I became this person who refuses to put herself in uncomfortable situations for the sake of others, but I have.
I've been operating under the assumption that this pregnancy would be like my friend's and that at some point, excitement would take over and it'd no longer be a "fake it 'til you make it" situation. I would eventually "make it." But that time hasn't come. And the longer I go without reaching it, the more I worry that not only will I never get there, but that I'll do more and more damage to my family. I kept saying, "the pregnancy is the hard part. When he's here, I'll be fine." But what if I'm wrong? I have a harder and harder time imagining one big happy family. What if I can't ever imagine a time when I look forward to seeing my sister and her family? What if my mom and I have this void made up of what we don't talk about forever?
I was supposed to have lunch with my mom today. When I called to confirm, she said she couldn't. When I asked what she was up to today, she didn't have anything she was planning to do. She just apparently couldn't do lunch with me. I can't help but feel like I'm getting what I deserve - or at least what I've set up to happen through my distance. I've done it to myself, and if I want it to change, I have to make the effort.