Thursday, December 6, 2012


I feel like I'm in a funk lately. Not depressing and all-consuming, leaving me emotional and fragile like last year. Just ever-present, like a dull annoying headache or something. Last year was awful. I was weepy at the thought of Christmas, and couldn't get excited about anything. I wanted it all over, to wake up in January and start over. Things aren't like that this year. But I still just feel... blah.

My best friend and I always spend our birthdays together. Maybe not the actual day, since she lives 2 hours away, but usually the weekend before or after. This year, for my birthday, I still felt too connected to the anniversary of our MFI diagnosis, and put off our celebration an extra week. This year for her birthday (which is today), even though there's noting IF-significant about her day, I just don't wanna. I feel awful about it, but I just don't feel like celebrating. I'm sure it doesn't help that she's TTC and I just don't feel like I have the energy to listen to any possible conversation she may want to have about it. I don't feel like the sensitivity is there, so I feel guarded. And I'm too much of a pansy to crush her excitement and ask to not talk about it. Point is, my funk isn't just limited to Christmas.

I'm excited to get our tree, and our home is decorated. I'm not dreading or overwhelmed by shopping for gifts, and the thought of coming across a "Baby's 1st Christmas" onesie in a Target doesn't make me feel anxious. There isn't an all-encompassing feeling of not wanting to "do" Christmas. I guess I just feel like I only have so much cheer, and I want to use it with my husband and savor it. My parents are traveling out-of-state to be with my sister for Christmas and they all feel awful and have suggested multiple times we join them. I actually feel relief that I get to spend the day with my husband - we don't have to wake up and be anywhere, cook for anyone, or be expected to be, show, feel, or do anything. So then I feel guilty for that. Don't get me wrong, this will be the first Christmas morning I won't be with my family, and that is sad. It will be different. But for me, it's different in a good way. Buddy and I are a family, and us spending our first Christmas alone (mostly - we will have dinner with both sets of parents as mine will be landing around 6pm) is not a bad thing.

I know it's normal to expect that the holidays would make me feel blah. It's such a kid-centric holiday and it practically begins in October these days, requiring a good deal of mental stamina. Despite the fact that we've come so far from last year, there are still things missing from the holidays of our dreams from only  3 years ago. I know I need to allow myself to feel this way. But I feel like some of the people in our lives have moved on and forgotten what we're still adjusting to. Little comments here and there act as hints that understanding is still lacking, and it just adds to my feeling crappy about feeling crappy. I just hope that as Christmas comes closer, excitement will take over, the funk will subside, and there will be joy.