Friday, August 23, 2013

"WTF, seriously?" is the best tile I could come up with

I got a text a few nights ago that my sister was diagnosed with PCOS. Wow. It still feels a little surreal. What are the chances that two of us in one family would have issues? It made me hurt for her. I know how sad and scary it is to have a diagnosis that puts fertility and a baby in jeopardy. I felt angry that my sister would have to hurt. I fought back tears as I told her I was sorry and then I set to work. I called on my private message board girls and asked them what she needed to know. I gave her all the information I could - we had a two hour conversation about what she should do, what to expect. I gave her every bit of information I had so that she could get the best possible and most thorough care, so she could advocate for herself.

She made an appointment with an RE and even sent me a draft of an email to her new boss to critique regarding needing to miss time at her first week at a new job. And then yesterday, I found out she started fertility meds with a nurse at her OB's office who works part time at a fertility clinic. I panicked and felt punched in the gut. I know it's irrational, but I felt hurt, and shocked. Here I had armed her with everything I could, and I felt like everything I said went in one ear and out the other. I feel that she's not being diligent or responsible with her health, and it scares me. It makes me angry, with both her and her nurse. Fertility meds aren't a joke. They're not candy. There can be adverse effects. Not to mention, she hasn't had all the testing she needs - what they're doing could be risky to her health when they may only know part of the picture. I probably freaked her out, telling her again what she needed to do.

One thing that stands out is that my sister is very conscientious about what she puts in her body. She's an avid swimmer and runner, watches what she eats (albeit displaying some possibly disordered behavior at times), and seems educated on nutrition. And yet, she'll take drugs she knows nothing about, based on our conversations. When I was in New York, I overheard a conversation between her and my mom where she said she couldn't have protein powder with 5% RDA vitamin A in it because she was taking a prenatal with 100% RDA and that could be dangerous. Yet, a simple Google search led me to info that toxic levels of vitamin A result from sustained levels of 25,000 iu a day, something she'd be highly unlikely to surpass with just a protein shake and a vitamin. So while she's aware of what she's putting in her body, I feel she's misinformed, both when it comes to vitamins and when it comes to fertility drugs.

I feel like this shouldn't upset me. She's an adult. She can do what she wants. And yet, I feel it's the flippant prescribing and taking of fertility meds just like this situation that give fertility treatment a bad name, make it a joke, keep people thinking it's okay to take Clomid without proper care. And I feel snubbed. I gave her info because I care, not for shits and giggles. This isn't stuff I want to know. And then there's the stupid thinking that if she is successful going this route, she'll think I over-reacted. I don't feel I am. Actually, I know I'm not. I won't ever feel sorry for thinking she should go see an RE, complete testing, and do this responsibly with a professional who is trained and educated in the treatment of infertility. It frustrates me and makes me want to throw things. I feel strongly she rushed into this. I'm mad that her doctor/nurse/whatever isn't being a responsible professional by not referring her and insisting she go to the right kind of doctor. I feel like the sister I know would scoff at "she's a nurse at my OB who works part time at a fertility clinic." A nurse. Who works part time. Really? It just blows my mind.

I know I need to let it go. She's going to do what she and her husband feel is right, just like Buddy and I did. She's choosing a direction I wouldn't choose and I need to respect that. But I can't. I can't stop thinking about it and shaking my head and thinking "WTF, seriously?" I never expected this turn - for her or for me - and certainly never could have expected all these thoughts and emotions.

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