Friday, March 21, 2014

Grief cycling

I feel like I'm going through another grief cycle lately. Namely, the anger part of it. I think. Or sadness. Is resentment one? As excited as I am for the Walk of Hope (tomorrow!) I'm cycling through something and it's frustrating. Maybe bullet points are better, because none of it really feels cohesive.

  • I feel pressure to do more stuff with the family than I'm used to and it has me out of my comfort level. My mom's birthday falls on Monday and Sis wants to go to a spring training game because that's what Mom wants to do. But she wants to go tomorrow after the Walk... after I'll have to BE SOMEWHERE at 6AM and will have just spent 6 hours in the sun. Plus, I really just don't like baseball. So for me, this is literally the last thing I want to do. So I feel guilt that I don't want to do this for my mom. Just... ugh. 
  • Seeing my sister frequently is HARD. It just is. She's most definitely showing and growing now. Not only that, they're actively shopping for their family vehicles and other family junk and aren't being as quiet about the shopping as I would be comfortable with (no, I don't feel like giving my opinion on a third row-seated vehicle when I know you're only shopping for said vehicle for your bump. Even if you don't explicitly say it. Just... no). And she wants to do stuff and hang out with me, which sisters should want to do, and I feel like an ass for not reciprocating and generally wanting to avoid situations with her. It makes me feel unsettled and agitated.
  • I felt sad a couple days earlier this week. Just downright sad, with nothing to point at for the cause. It wasn't a cryfest or anything. I just felt down.  
  • This is kinda related I guess in that it might be exaggerated by hyper-feelings lately. Yesterday, I met up with my Walk co-chair to take some stuff off her hands. She asked if my husband was coming and I said "no, it's not his thing." (Side note: I am truly fine with this. He didn't choose to be an advocate and volunteer, I did. He's welcome to join me anytime, but I'm honestly happy as long as he supports me in doing what I feel I need to for an outlet). And her response was (roughly): "He should come. My husband doesn't get a choice. This is about both of us." Yeah, I agree. The infertility part IS about both of us. But the Walk, Advocacy Day, my support group hosting - that's mine. Not that I wouldn't gladly include him, but he's not interested and I don't at all feel that he needs to be involved just because I am. It just rubbed me the wrong way, like it was implied he's not supportive because he's not physically there. 
It's been the end of a very long week, and tomorrow is a long day. I'm transitioning to a new job soon, and I just have a lot going on. I hope it's all just stress and next week will be better. Or the next week. Soon, anyway. Send me your good vibes :)

Oh, I thought of another of my outlandish feelings lately. I feel highly disinclined to shop for anyone for birthday/Christmas presents (feelings parked by my mom's upcoming birthday, I assume) because my sister is giving them everything any of them could want - grandkid for my parents, kid for Sis and BIL. It is very reminiscent of the first couple of Christmases TTC and then IF when I didn't want anything but a baby. There was nothing on my wish list - if it wasn't a baby, I didn't want it. In the same way, I feel like the family is getting a baby, there's no way I could possibly give any of them anything better or even noteworthy, so I'm not even motivated to try or care. This feeling is something I've been familiar with for myself, but feeling it about others has blind-sided me quite a bit.


Jessah @ Dreaming of Dimples said...

I'm sorry you are struggling. I'm grieving as well...and it sucks. Hope you work through your anger and start feeling better soon.

Jalara said...

I am so sorry. I admit to feeling this way often. Sometimes it all gets to be too much, and no one understand.

You don't have to shop for others. Gift cards will always do.

The only real piece of advice I can offer(unsolicited as it is) is to take care of yourself first. Everyone does and no one else will do it for you. Everyone needs to be okay on their own and once you are in a better place, others will either be there or they won't, but you'll be stronger for it.

I wish I could make things easier for you.

Sara said...

I really love to run freely around the neighborhood but sometimes a get bored in the middle of my training hope in some momento i can get on my cell whatsapp download and chat while i am running

Unknown said...

oh ugh. your expression of feelings regarding not wanting to buy gifts bc they already have it all... oh yeah. I understand that and it touches me deeply. Thank you for writing it,