OURS

I woke up excited yesterday. Really excited. The Walk of Hope is this weekend, and NIAW is about a month away. These events just have me in a great mood. I'm excited to meet people I've been corresponding with at Resolve, and the Walk of Hope feels to me like a celebration. This is OUR day. There are cancer walks, and March of Dimes walks, and fundraisers for all sorts of different causes and issues and illnesses. But this one is OURS. NIAW is OUR time to show how many of us there are, how we feel, what we think, what issues pertain to us and how others can support us. It's OUR time to show we matter, and that we aren't taboo, and that everyone out there knows and loves someone who's struggling with infertility. It's liberating to feel free to talk about it, and to be passionate about making a difference. I can't wait for OUR Saturday, and for OUR awareness week - to stand with and to share facts and messages of hope (however that looks for everyone) with other people who know what it's like. I'm just so excited!

Why I Walk

**Sorry about the formatting - I give up on you, Blogspot.**

On March 23^rd, 2013, I am participating in RESOLVE’s Walk of Hope. My mom is joining me, and I’m excited to have her support. So why am I walking?

-          Because I remember what it was like to feel alone

-          Because people should be made more aware of our feelings as infertile couples

-          Because 12% of Americans deal with this

-          Because everyone knows someone who’s struggling, some most likely in silence

-          Because infertility is not shameful

-          Because legislation is being considered in our state that would restrict or even end Arizona
      couples’ options to build their families and I want them to see the impact and strength of our
      community

-          Because myths and misperceptions about fertility treatments persist

-          Because there is strength in numbers

-          Because I am a RESOLVE peer-led group leader, and I am proud to represent them and the  
      other women of our community who need support

-          Because currently, support groups only exist in the Phoenix area and I hope that resources from
      the walk can be allocated to help bring support to Northern and Southern Arizona

-          Because I believe in RESOLVE’s mission to bring about awareness and support of couples who 
      are pursuing their dreams of building a family or who have resolved their fertility by other
      means

-          Because no one should walk alone

I am proud to walk in the Walk of Hope, and I would be proud to have your support. If you find yourself able, contributions can be made here.

I Oppose SB 1376

Dear family friends of Arizona,

There's an important piece of legislation being considered in Arizona right now that I want to tell you about. SB 1376 is a (poorly and vaguely) bill written by a "pro-life, pro-family" group called Center for Arizona Policy (CAP). The bill wants to require that Arizona Fertility speciailists use a database to log the creation and use of every embryo in our state. This includes the disposition of any embryos deemed not viable for implantation through IVF (in-vitro fertilization), and those used for training or testing. This information is already collected by the CDC, and is therefore mostly redundant. The difference is that this data is tied to specific patients, and is a blatant violation of privacy. Additionally, because the bill is so vaguely wirrten, it's a legitimate concern that the information in the proposed database could be used to prosecute doctors and patients at a later date.

SB 1376 is part of a bigger agenda by CAP to attempt to establish personhood laws in Arizona. For those not familiar, personhood laws work to grant full legal rights to embryos, meaning that any demise or loss of embryos could lead to prosecution of the fertility specialist. Unfortunately, embryo loss is often a part of fertility treatment - not every embryo is viable for IVF, despite the skilled and diligent work of reproductive specialists. The same goes for "natural" (referred to as "spontaneous" in the IF and medical community) reproduction - not every embryo created spontaneously results in a birth, and we certainly don't prosecute mothers for miscarriage. Because the legal risks of practicing assisted reproductive technologies (ART) in jurisdictions with personhood laws is so great for specialists, these laws effectively end fertility practices, leaving patients without accessible and safe care to build their families.

CAP may call themselves "pro-life," but they are not "pro-family." Personhood laws and the provisions of SB1376 would work to inhibit family building by preventing life to be created in the first place and shaming the couples who have to make difficult decisions in regard to their embryos. Some families rely on ART for family building, and they have a right to privacy in doing so. My husband and I would be one of them had we not chosen child free living as our end to infertility. However, this bill will affect my friends, member of my RESOLVE peer-led support group, and hundreds of thousands of other Arizonans. Please contact your local representative and State congresspeople to let them know you oppose SB 1376 and help safeguard the reproductive rights of Arizona families.

Thank you,

Brooke


Some important links:

Keiko Zoll of The Infertility Voice

RH Reality Check

Almost a Father's letter to Senator Ward

RESOLVE's official letter to Arizona Senators

Funk

I feel like I'm in a funk lately. Not depressing and all-consuming, leaving me emotional and fragile like last year. Just ever-present, like a dull annoying headache or something. Last year was awful. I was weepy at the thought of Christmas, and couldn't get excited about anything. I wanted it all over, to wake up in January and start over. Things aren't like that this year. But I still just feel... blah.

My best friend and I always spend our birthdays together. Maybe not the actual day, since she lives 2 hours away, but usually the weekend before or after. This year, for my birthday, I still felt too connected to the anniversary of our MFI diagnosis, and put off our celebration an extra week. This year for her birthday (which is today), even though there's noting IF-significant about her day, I just don't wanna. I feel awful about it, but I just don't feel like celebrating. I'm sure it doesn't help that she's TTC and I just don't feel like I have the energy to listen to any possible conversation she may want to have about it. I don't feel like the sensitivity is there, so I feel guarded. And I'm too much of a pansy to crush her excitement and ask to not talk about it. Point is, my funk isn't just limited to Christmas.

I'm excited to get our tree, and our home is decorated. I'm not dreading or overwhelmed by shopping for gifts, and the thought of coming across a "Baby's 1st Christmas" onesie in a Target doesn't make me feel anxious. There isn't an all-encompassing feeling of not wanting to "do" Christmas. I guess I just feel like I only have so much cheer, and I want to use it with my husband and savor it. My parents are traveling out-of-state to be with my sister for Christmas and they all feel awful and have suggested multiple times we join them. I actually feel relief that I get to spend the day with my husband - we don't have to wake up and be anywhere, cook for anyone, or be expected to be, show, feel, or do anything. So then I feel guilty for that. Don't get me wrong, this will be the first Christmas morning I won't be with my family, and that is sad. It will be different. But for me, it's different in a good way. Buddy and I are a family, and us spending our first Christmas alone (mostly - we will have dinner with both sets of parents as mine will be landing around 6pm) is not a bad thing.

I know it's normal to expect that the holidays would make me feel blah. It's such a kid-centric holiday and it practically begins in October these days, requiring a good deal of mental stamina. Despite the fact that we've come so far from last year, there are still things missing from the holidays of our dreams from only  3 years ago. I know I need to allow myself to feel this way. But I feel like some of the people in our lives have moved on and forgotten what we're still adjusting to. Little comments here and there act as hints that understanding is still lacking, and it just adds to my feeling crappy about feeling crappy. I just hope that as Christmas comes closer, excitement will take over, the funk will subside, and there will be joy.

IUD follow up

I've been meaning to write this post for a while, and someone asked me just this evening how the IUD has been working out for me, so I'm going for it now. As I talked about in my original IUD post, the weekend after the insertion was incredibly difficult. I was crampy and sad and generally just shlubbed around being sorry for myself. Thankfully, Buddy was very supportive and catered to my whininess.

Over time, there have been both physical differences as well as emotional, and I'll talk about them both honestly, despite the fact that I'm squeamish when it comes to talking about cycles. I can do it all day long among other ladies who are TTC, but it's not something I do openly or comfortably, even at the age of 31.

Because I opted for Paragard, which is a non-hormonal copper IUD, my cycles are natural. This is something that really freaked me out. After 10 years on BCPs, I liked the ability to manipulate my cycle by a week here and there if there was a vacation or event that I didn't want interrupted by my periods. I liked knowing exactly when I could expect my period. It was the biggest adjustment to me when I kicked them to the curb. However, I gained weight both when I started taking them at 18 and when I stopped when we started TTC. I'm already heavier than I'd like to be, and the thought of more hormones and weight gain freaked me out. Thus, Paragard was a great option for me. It gives more than 99% effectiveness for about 10 years, and if the time were to come where Buddy and I panic and say "WTF have we done?" it's an easy reversal without the need to wait for my cycles to correct themselves (it took me a full year to become what I considered "consistent" when I quit BCPs).

The downside of the Paragard has been my periods. The copper in the IUD works by creating an environment in the uterus that is not preferable for both sperm and eggs. I can't honestly remember right now how the doctor described it, but the copper irritates or stimulates the endometrium and can cause heavier bleeding and more cramping. That's definitely been the case for me. CD1 and CD2 are much heavier and - for the first time since I was in high school - I have to actually plan my day in 4 hour increments to avoid any unpleasant incidents. The cramping was absolutely awful the 1st cycle. I honestly felt like my uterus was trying to kill me for abut 4 days. The cramping has lessened, but I still have some significant discomfort the day or two before a new cycle starts - certainly much more than I did prior to Paragard.

Alright, now that the physical stuff is out of the way, on to the easier topic. Emotionally, getting the Paragard has been the right choice for us. I feel like I've reclaimed Me to an extent. I had a really hard time dealing with the what-ifs every cycle if I knew just by calculating that our timing could have resulted in that highly unlikely-5%-ever pregnancy (which is actually less now, thanks to Buddy's TRT). We wanted to move on and live life and be spontaneous with intimacy, but my fear of the unexpected (as rare as it is) weighed on my mind. Now, I'm free of that uncertainty. Just recently, my cycles were consistently 28-29 days long. My last one was 35 days. It dawned on me that I'd have been a wreck without the IUD - since I don't chart anymore, I no longer know exactly when I ovulate (though I have a generally good idea thanks to CP and CM). With Paragard, I know I just have to wait it out. It's a very different mentality, and there's a peace to it. I know what life will be like, and I have control over life again. We have control. It's something we felt deprived of for two years, and it's been an incredible thing to have return to our life. I don't regret this decision for a second.

So, that's my experience with Paragard after about 5 months living with it. There are pros and cons, but the upsides have all been emotional, which is most important and far outweighs the physical downsides for me.

Update

Hi! I haven't been around, sorry. I haven't really been around anywhere with social media as of late. I took on a new job at work, and I realized how much free time I had on my hands. And how much privacy I enjoyed in my lonely cube. I have no real time for blogging now. But I also realized that I blog when I need to get things out and vent. It's easier for me to write when there's emotion charging me. And, to be honest, I've been doing pretty okay.

Taking a step back from thebump.com has been good for me. I wouldn't say I was dwelling on IF - because it's not really ever going away - but being part of that particular community seemed to fuel the worst parts of my feelings about our situation, and it didn't always bring out the best in me. However, I'm in touch with most of the most supportive people on FB, so I still have that kinship without all the drama. It's been good. I pop in now and then, but the desire to stick around and pour over every thread is gone.

We've made some more home improvements. We painted our bedroom and fireplace, and have solid plans for a fireplace makeover hopefully before Christmas. I don't have the same dread for the holidays that I experienced last year, and that's been a relief. I expect I will feel something as it grows closer, but for now, I'm okay. I don't think Christmas will ever have that magic I loved again, but as long as the holiday doesn't make me want to run away and shut everything out like I felt last year, I can handle some apathy.

I also took the lead of a Resolve support group in my area and that's been good so far. Tonight is the second meeting, and I expect it will be small, but I'm such a believer in group support and believe I'm doing something good for both my soul and the good of others.

Of course, I still have my days. My high school boyfriend's wife recently gave birth, and that was hard. Not in a "that should be me" way - not.at.all. But in a "why does he get to grow up, find a spouse, and have a baby and I don't?" way. Some babies/pregnancies just hurt more than others, and it's definitely hard when I watch my school peers living dreams I had for myself. I feel so left behind at times. The other night, Buddy and I watched a romantic comedy, and in the entirely predictable ending the couple finally wound up married. I got teary and asked Buddy to turn it off before they showed them having a baby in the next scene (I assume). It is what it is - I have a hard time watching newlyweds move to the next step. I'm thankful Buddy understands and is supportive. He may not feel the same hurt, but he acknowledges that I do and does what he can to mitigate, and that's all I can ask for.

Hope you're all doing well. I try to promise not to be such a stranger. I think there are some interesting topics I want to touch on, and I need to put on my big girl panties and figure out what I want to say.

Love letters

When my husband I got married, part of our ceremony was a twist on the candle lighting or sand combining rituals that are common in weddings. We wrote each other love letters and put them in a box that was prepared by my grandmother, along with a bottle of wine. The idea was that if we were ever in a rough patch in our marriage, we would open the box, read the letters to remember why we wanted to join our lives, and drink the wine. The hope, of course, was that we would not have rough times and we would open the box, read the letters, and enjoy the wine in celebration on our 10th anniversary.

Now and again since our troubles having children - and then deciding to walk away from trying for parenthood - the words I remember writing me have haunted me with tiny snippets of memory. My mind thinks of these things I wrote to my husband almost as though I jinxed myself. My letter to Buddy was - in part - about how excited I was to have a family with him and how lucky I felt to have met such a perfect man to be the father of my children. It contains thoughts of our naive dreams. And lately, it's bothered me more and more. In theory, we would be opening that box 7 years and 3 months from now, and it should be in celebration of 10 years well lived and well loved. But knowing that reading the letters will be very bittersweet puts a damper on that vision for both of us.

And so, we've come up with a new plan, just like most everything else over the last year. On our third anniversary, we're opening the box. We're drinking our wine and replacing it with a new bottle. We're writing new letters. I don't know what we'll do with the old ones. I kind of want to read mine, just to remember what I wrote, but I don't know if that's out of lovingly wanting to remember that fresh about-to-be-married excitement or I'm a glutton for punishment. Buddy said I can read his, but doesn't seem to want to read mine, knowing what's in it (I brought this all up the other night after having it on my mind here and there for a little while). I guess we'll know what feels right when the time comes.

Like most everything else since Infertility entered our lives, plans are changing. I'm just glad that we can up with this new plan together, and - if I'm completely honest - it's mostly Buddy's idea. I love that he recognizes that the box and its current contents needs to go, but also that this is something that is important for me to not let go of entirely. He could easily just say "chuck it all in the trash." But he wants to start over, with new words of love, a new bottle of wine - which will still be enjoyed on our 10th anniversary - and new wishes for the course of our life and marriage. Once again, I'm blown away by his thoughtfulness and understanding of what I need, and it always makes me go a big gooey one when he shows that he needs something emotionally from me, too. I have a feeling these new letters are going to be full of love and adoration for each other. I'm happy to be sincerely looking forward to our 10th (and our 3rd, of course) anniversary once again.