Tag! I'm it

My beautiful and wonderful friend Kathy (seriously, I cannot say enough great things about this woman) tagged me in a post a couple weeks ago. And ::blush:: I haven't done anything about it until now. I'm bad with this stuff, and I haven't really been here. I get to answer some questions from Kathy, then write some of my own and hope that someone keeps it going. So here we go:

First, the rules
1) First post the rules. (Check, I rule at this already)
2) Answer 11 questions from the person that tagged you.
3) Create 11 NEW questions for the people you tag.
4) Tag people and link them to your post.
5) Let them know that you tagged them.


Here are MY questions:

1. If you had to eat one food every day for the rest of your life, what would it be? Potatoes! I freaking love potatoes - fries, baked, sweet. I could live on them

2. Who was the last person you called and what did you talk about? I had to call a client of my home-based jewelry business and get some info

3. Do you like candles? What kind of scents? Generally, no, but I do like Scentsy - my MIL buys us bricks all the time, and since they're safe and easy, I use them. And I do like flickering light, but I don't like the responsibility of keeping track of a controlled burn in my home. So yes, and no. I don't like anything too floral or too strong. Just something that accents the air, like gingerbread or cranberry or cinnamon.

4. If you could have dinner with any celebrity, who would it be? Emma Stone. I think she's fabulous funny and I love her style

5. What is the last good book you read? I really loved the Hunger Games trilogy

6. Do you collect anything? How did you start? I collect snowmen. My mom and grandmother started the collection for me when I was young. I have about 50 of them.

7. Do you have a nickname? Buddy calls me... Buddy. Or Li'l Bud. Other nicknames are just variations of my name.

8. Zombies are attacking. Do you run or stay and fight? Cry? Is cry an answer. I'd like to say I'd fight, but I'm woefully unprepared for the zombie apocalypse and would more than likely become a human happy meal

9. If you had to spend $1000 on yourself, how would you spend it? Right now, clothes and jewelry. I'm so incredibly tired of my wardrobe and I need to add to my sample jewelry collection for my business.

10. What is your dream car? My Nissan Murano. Truly. I love that thing.

11. What color are your bathroom towels? Brown... boring and practical


Now for my questions:

1. What did you want to be when you were little?
2. If you could have any wild or exotic animal for a pet, what would it be?
3. What's your favorite article of clothing in your wardrobe?
4. Name a country you want to travel too and tell me why.
5. What is your order at Starbucks (or other coffee shops)?
6. What act would you want to perform in a circus?
7. Favorite breakfast food?
8. Describe your perfect date night.
9. Do you like silver or gold jewelry?
10. What is one hobby you wish you had more time for?
11. Would you rather bungee jump or sky dive?


Now for my lucky victims friends:
1. btay
2. Jenn
3. Little Wonders
4. Kristen
5. happilyhomespun

Confessions

- You know that old wives' tale that the number of bows/ribbons you break at your bridal shower indicates how many babies you'll have? Yeah, I broke zero. At the time, I did it semi-intentionally in a "don't pressure me" act of defiance, but now it's just kind of weird.

- Sometimes, I think that maybe if we got married again, we wouldn't deal with IF again. I know it's not true, but I think it exemplifies my missing a time when this didn't weigh on our hearts. IF never crossed our minds on our wedding day, and I think I miss it for that reason (and also because it was a beautiful day).

- I've seriously considered Mirena just because then I wouldn't have the up and down of emotion each cycle. It would hopefully alleviate my PMS and also give me back some control in my life. If we're going to move on, I want to move on and have some consistency in my cycles. I'd also consider endometrial ablation along with Essure to hopefully eliminate menstruation completely at some point down the road. I feel like if my uterus isn't going to be occupied, I'm freaking done with this whole bleeding thing.

- When it comes to The Bump, I never feel like I fit in anywhere. We didn't try and fail at treatment. We're not actively TTC. We're just... done. With no IUI memories or stories of Buddy sticking me with needles or beta counts. My signature is relatively empty. I'm trying to pull away from the groups I know I don't belong to, but it's hard to just let go of all of it when there isn't another place to go where I feel I belong, no matter how welcoming everyone may be.

Trucking Along

It's been an interesting few weeks. There's a lot of drama in our social circle right now. It's been awful and sad, and things are very uncertain for people we love, and that's disheartening. I've struggled a couple of times with our choice and my anger has shown and I've felt some shame over it. I think that's normal considering the gravity of life lately. I've arged with my mom about how her saying she "understands" this is insulting. We've had to set some new boundaries.

On the other hand, many great things have happened in our home. My craft room project is moving along with cleaning and organizing. Buddy bought me a tattoo symbolizing our struggle with IF and the bond it's fortified between us. Most days, I'm still in a good place with my "2012 has to be better than 2011" mindset. I deleted my baby stuff board on Pinterest - I felt I needed to let that go. Sure, there are days I'm sad, but overall, I just feel happy to be in a good place.

There isn't a whole lot to say - not much is going on, but I suppose that's a good thing. A month ago, I just wanted to be happy and live life, and I suppose that's exactly what we're doing. I'm moving away from things that are no longer fulfilling and replacing them with things that make me feel good. 2012 is going to see a very different Brooke than 2011 did, and I'm determined to take advantage of anything and everything that will bring happiness and peace to our home.

Shit Fertiles Say

I may or may not have spent my lunch break on Friday watching videos on YouTube called "Shit Girls Say," "Shit Guys Say," and their many iterations. Shit White Girls Say to Arab/Black/Asian Girls. Shit Christians Say to Jews. Shit Vegans Say. You should check them out. All hilarious, yet totally cringeworthy because I'm sure these are actually things the targets hear often. And I started to realize that someone needs to make one called, "Shit Fertiles Say." Even though I don't have a video camera and I'm not about to run out to get one, the transcript for such a video has been running through my head all weekend. I'm sure if you watch enough of the inspiration videos on YouTube you could imagine what it would look like. But here's my transcript.


"When are you guys having babies?"

"Are you propping your hips up?"

"You guys are doing it, right?"

"You have to get busy on the 14th day. Otherwise it won't work."

"My sister's friend's hairdresser's aunt's mailman was infertile and then they stopped trying and she was knocked up like that" ::finger snap::

"When are you guys having babies?"

"You should just adopt"

"Adopt"

"Adopt"

"You're selfish if you don't adopt"

"Maybe God doesn't mean for you to be a mom"

"Are you sure you're doing it right?"

"Ugh, he just breeeeathes on me and I get preggers."

"You want kids? Spend a day with my little terrors, you'll see."

"You know what you need? A vacation. Then you can relax"

"Relax"

"Relax"

"Relax"

"You need to get drunk and do it."

"Why would you do Clomid? It causes multiples. Like Jon and Kate."

"When are you guys having babies?"

"Ooooooh, you know who's pregnant? My 16-year-old cousin."

"Stop trying and relax."

"You can borrow my husband's sperm."

"If you were supposed to have a baby, you'd get pregnant."

"Obviously, it's just not your time."

"You'll never get pregnant if you don't relax."

"My sister tried for a long time. It took her like 3 months."

"Just do IVF."

"IVF"

"Stop trying"

"Reeeeeelaaaaaax"

"Worse things can happen."

"Are you sure you're doing it right?"

"I bet I know what the problem is.... you need to relax"

Clean Slate

I spent most of the last quarter of 2011 just wishing I could go to sleep and wake up in 2012. I wanted a new start, a clean slate. I needed to be able to put the year behind me - the year that was so full of heartache that it took me doing a month-by-month recap of the year on my family blog to remember that we actually did have some fun in 2011 (and we bought a house!).

And now, it's 2012. And, quite honestly, as cheesy or optimistic as it sounds, my slate really does feel clean. I've never really been big on New Year's Eve. I've never seen it as all that much of a new start. Until this year. I put it in my head that a new calendar year could mean a new attitude, a new set of memories, a new everything. And so far, the whole 4 days of 2012 have been far better. I feel more at peace, more ready to take on what this new view of life will bring. It honestly feels as though, for the first time, I could set my mind to how I could be, and it worked.

I started my year doing my first project for the big thing I'm excited for this year: my craft room. I painted an old dresser of Buddy's a brilliant purple to go with the color scheme I have planned for the room. I talked excitedly with Buddy (as opposed to at him) about the plans for the room and how we would build the workspace. He gets that the craft room is symbolic of accepting a new life-plan and finding a new way to be productive. Also, I think he's just happy to see me truly thrilled about something again and wants to do whatever he can to foster it. I feel incredibly blessed and hopeful for the first time in 6 months. I had no idea how much I'd allowed myself to be weighed down.

I know there are still going to be times when the world feels crushing and unfair. But the success of envisioning and (so far) achieving a new perspective gives me hope and determination that I can give myself a clean slate if and when I ever need one again in the future. I am welcoming 2012 with open arms and know that there's nowhere to go from here but up.

Reminiscing

As 2011 is drawing to a close, I find myself feeling anxious for a clean slate. I've said more than once that I just want to go to sleep and wake up next year. This year has been so sucky, and I keep daydreaming that I will wake up on January 1, 2012 and everything will be different. I know that's not actually what's going to happen, but I like to hope that as the calendar flips to a new year, I can shed some of the sadness I feel and embrace 2012 for what it is: a new start.

I feel like I'm saying good-bye to a phase of my life. I'm feeling more and more at peace with being a family with just Buddy, but I admit there are things I miss about that time: the intimacy I felt him, the discussion of baby names, the imagining of the future raising children.

At the same time, 2011 has given us closer relationships with both each other and with some of our friends and their amazing children. I feel that 2012 will be filled with wonderful things, hopefully including strong bonds with the supportive people in our lives. I hope it will also bring with it strength to continue going through this process and to be stronger as a couple because of it.

2011 was so much about devastation for me. It's been a long 6 months since June, when we first found out about my progesterone. It's been marked by tough decisions and many tears. I am optimistic that 2012 can be about hope: for a fun future, a happily married life, and prosperity for our friends and family.

Happy Holidays, everyone, and a Joyous New Year to You :)

Bah Humbug

I have always loved Christmas. I love decorating, baking, picking out the perfect gifts. I love the excitment. It's kind of a family joke that even at the age of 25, I would wake up my sister at 6am, excited to open gifts and start the day. For a long time when I was young, my dad had to work until early afternoon and it was a painful wait. For the few years when he didn't have to work, the rules were that my parents had to have their coffee, and Dad would have his traditional gift-opening Guinness. Then we'd open stockings first, followed by gifts. Then we'd have a big brunch and spend the day relaxing. The first year Buddy and I were together, we went to see Christmas lights that evening. It was the first time we'd talked about getting married. It is my favorite Christmas memory. I've always loved Christmas.

Until now. I can't help but feel there's something missing. I'm apathetic. I haven't even shopped for my family yet. For friends? Yes. But the more my family goes on and on talking about what we want for Christmas, the more I just feel... nothing. I just want to curl up and wake up in January, after the holidays are over. After the stores have put away the "Baby's 1st Christmas" stockings and after the Christmas themed Facebook pregnancy announcements have fallen off the page of my newsfeed. I tried to open up to my mom about how I was feeling about this Christmas - that I just didn't have the joy I usually feel, that this Christmas is very different than how Buddy and I imagined it a year ago. She just said, "oh." As if feeling crappy wasn't enough, now I feel brushed off, too.

Two months ago, the message board was already asking about how fellow IFers dealt with the holidays. Some ladies mentioned they were going away on vacation or were avoiding family functions with their pesky, "when are you guys having kids?" questions. And I judged, I admit. I said I would never avoid family or a holiday I loved because of IF. And then, I walked in to Target and saw the store dressed up in it's festive marketing and walked by a Baby's 1st Christmas bib, misplaced in the wine aisle of all places. And I teared up. A few days later, I was shopping at Old Navy with Buddy, carrying around a hugely discounted white pea coat I'd had my eye on when my sister texted me, "what do you want for Christmas?" I put the coat back, grabbed Buddy's hand and left the store, barely making it to the car before bursting into tears.

Something about the holidays, even with all the magic and wonder, makes me remember what's missing. I'm in a far better place after reading Sweet Grapes. It's helped me immensely. I was able to buy Baby's 1st Christmas pajamas for two friends' babies. I proudly ordered, wrapped, and shipped gifts for my friend's 10-week-old. I have more resolve and peace with things than I did two months ago. Yet there's still a pang of sadness when I think about visits to Santa and The Elf on the Shelf and Christmas morning. It's mixed in with the apathy towards shopping for gifts and wanting to hibernate and anticipating our friends' kids opening the gifts we thoughtfully picked out for them. It's a mess of emotion where there used to be pure joy. I was naive to think that IF wouldn't affect Christmas.