Last Friday, Buddy and I made dinner together and settled in on the couch with a cocktail to watch The Descendants. Not far into the movie, there's a scene where George Clooney's character tells his daughter that her mom is going to die. Her reaction is a primal underwater scream so well acted with raw emotion that I burst into tears. Something about that scene was so pertinent, so relevant for me. When he was totally puzzled my reaction, I told Buddy, "that's what I feel like sometimes."
I talked to my counselor about it at my appointment yesterday because I've still been thinking about it and my reaction. Through talking, I realized it's meaningful to me for a number of reasons. First, in the beginning of all this testing and diagnoses stuff, I felt like screaming. Out of anger, out of sadness, out of grief. Infertility sucks - it changes so much and I had and still have many ugly feelings about how it's changed our life. I was amped up emotionally pretty much all the time. I felt like I could cry at the drop of a hat in those early days. I did often sob in the shower. And screaming like that, underwater or not, was probably the cathartic action I needed, had I not feared I would have disturbed the neighbors.
My counselor mentioned that it was interesting that she screamed underwater, rather than just screaming aloud. She asked me why I thought that was. I said because it would muffle the sound and hide her pain. And that clicked for me. I muffle my emotions for Buddy when I'm upset sometimes - I don't want him to feel badly that I am sad. Don't get me wrong, I share my emotions with him often. But sometimes, I just don't want him to feel that I'm mad at him rather than the situation. Particularly when I know I'm being irrational or extreme in my emotions, I tend to work it out alone rather than with him.
I don't only muffle and hide my emotions from Buddy. In the real world, I can't go around showing every emotion, good or bad. I'm "muffled" by appropriateness, for example. If a coworker asks if my husband and I have kids, for instance, I'm not going to get into why not. It's not appropriate in that setting. I might be muffled by my own energy - if someone has ideas of what we should do, ("just adopt/do IVF") I might shut down and discontinue the conversation just because I don't feel like getting into it, or because what I really want to say would be rude. And I'm muffled by the simple fact that people don't know how to handle emotions like that sometimes. I can't very well let loose with my sadness or anger when I walk through the baby aisle at Target. I'm not saying that it's not okay or that I haven't gotten upset in a store, but I think in general, we as humans avoid showing such pain in front of others, particularly those we don't know. I don't feel free in public to show an emotion I may have.
I'm also muffled by the simple fact that Buddy and I don't necessarily agree on how "out" to be. And even for myself, because of the reasons I listed above, I'm not consistent. But when it comes to the difference between the two of us, and what I'd chose if I didn't have to consider his feelings on the matter, I'd be open about it. I'd prefer to educate and offer support and not feel like I'm hiding something that has transformed me from the woman I was a year ago. Buddy, on the other hand. Would prefer to not have anyone know. He's staunchly in Camp Nunya Business. He knows our parents know and that I have the support of both online and some in-real-life friends, but the thought of me being out in a place like Facebook makes him uncomfortable. It should be noted I would never say what our issues are or whose "fault" the IF is, but I don't feel that there is shame in dealing with IF or in making others aware that not everyone grows up, gets married, and pops out 2.3 kids.
A conclusion that my counselor and I talked to is that the thing about infertility is that it's one of those taboo subjects that, unlike breast or testicular cancer or heart disease or juvenile diabetes, people aren't comfortable having it in their face. No one's going to come out with a line of kitchen products and golf accessories emblazoned with a symbol for Infertility Awareness. It's a health issue like any other, but the sensitive and private nature of it leaves many of us struggling with it feeling like we're screaming underwater instead of being embraced with support and understanding.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Surge
Today is like a surge of negative emotion. It came mostly out of nowhere and hurts from my brain, through my heart, down to my toes. It makes me want to run away - to pack up Buddy and our dogs and get as far from here as we can. I know better - I can't get away from this, as much as I may want to.
The surge is made up of sadness, anger, bitterness and jealousy. It's faceless and nameless. It makes me feel ashamed and exhausted, like my arms and head and heart are literally heavier.
The surge makes it hard to concentrate. It's hard to think of little else when the emotions are intent on pushing their way in. I don't feel much but sad and empty today. I feel acutely aware of our infertility as I see pictures of babies and bumps on Facebook, and as I hear pregnant coworkers gabbing out their registries.
I feel like no one understands today, and I can only ask for comforting and loving thoughts to be sent my way. I will get through it, and hopefully tomorrow will have me back on track, but today I feel like I need a good cry and a long nap.
The surge is made up of sadness, anger, bitterness and jealousy. It's faceless and nameless. It makes me feel ashamed and exhausted, like my arms and head and heart are literally heavier.
The surge makes it hard to concentrate. It's hard to think of little else when the emotions are intent on pushing their way in. I don't feel much but sad and empty today. I feel acutely aware of our infertility as I see pictures of babies and bumps on Facebook, and as I hear pregnant coworkers gabbing out their registries.
I feel like no one understands today, and I can only ask for comforting and loving thoughts to be sent my way. I will get through it, and hopefully tomorrow will have me back on track, but today I feel like I need a good cry and a long nap.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Tag! I'm it
My beautiful and wonderful friend Kathy (seriously, I cannot say enough great things about this woman) tagged me in a post a couple weeks ago. And ::blush:: I haven't done anything about it until now. I'm bad with this stuff, and I haven't really been here. I get to answer some questions from Kathy, then write some of my own and hope that someone keeps it going. So here we go:
First, the rules
1) First post the rules. (Check, I rule at this already)
2) Answer 11 questions from the person that tagged you.
3) Create 11 NEW questions for the people you tag.
4) Tag people and link them to your post.
5) Let them know that you tagged them.
Here are MY questions:
1. If you had to eat one food every day for the rest of your life, what would it be? Potatoes! I freaking love potatoes - fries, baked, sweet. I could live on them
2. Who was the last person you called and what did you talk about? I had to call a client of my home-based jewelry business and get some info
3. Do you like candles? What kind of scents? Generally, no, but I do like Scentsy - my MIL buys us bricks all the time, and since they're safe and easy, I use them. And I do like flickering light, but I don't like the responsibility of keeping track of a controlled burn in my home. So yes, and no. I don't like anything too floral or too strong. Just something that accents the air, like gingerbread or cranberry or cinnamon.
4. If you could have dinner with any celebrity, who would it be? Emma Stone. I think she's fabulous funny and I love her style
5. What is the last good book you read? I really loved the Hunger Games trilogy
6. Do you collect anything? How did you start? I collect snowmen. My mom and grandmother started the collection for me when I was young. I have about 50 of them.
7. Do you have a nickname? Buddy calls me... Buddy. Or Li'l Bud. Other nicknames are just variations of my name.
8. Zombies are attacking. Do you run or stay and fight? Cry? Is cry an answer. I'd like to say I'd fight, but I'm woefully unprepared for the zombie apocalypse and would more than likely become a human happy meal
9. If you had to spend $1000 on yourself, how would you spend it? Right now, clothes and jewelry. I'm so incredibly tired of my wardrobe and I need to add to my sample jewelry collection for my business.
10. What is your dream car? My Nissan Murano. Truly. I love that thing.
11. What color are your bathroom towels? Brown... boring and practical
Now for my questions:
1. What did you want to be when you were little?
2. If you could have any wild or exotic animal for a pet, what would it be?
3. What's your favorite article of clothing in your wardrobe?
4. Name a country you want to travel too and tell me why.
5. What is your order at Starbucks (or other coffee shops)?
6. What act would you want to perform in a circus?
7. Favorite breakfast food?
8. Describe your perfect date night.
9. Do you like silver or gold jewelry?
10. What is one hobby you wish you had more time for?
11. Would you rather bungee jump or sky dive?
Now for my luckyvictims friends:
1. btay
2. Jenn
3. Little Wonders
4. Kristen
5. happilyhomespun
First, the rules
1) First post the rules. (Check, I rule at this already)
2) Answer 11 questions from the person that tagged you.
3) Create 11 NEW questions for the people you tag.
4) Tag people and link them to your post.
5) Let them know that you tagged them.
Here are MY questions:
1. If you had to eat one food every day for the rest of your life, what would it be? Potatoes! I freaking love potatoes - fries, baked, sweet. I could live on them
2. Who was the last person you called and what did you talk about? I had to call a client of my home-based jewelry business and get some info
3. Do you like candles? What kind of scents? Generally, no, but I do like Scentsy - my MIL buys us bricks all the time, and since they're safe and easy, I use them. And I do like flickering light, but I don't like the responsibility of keeping track of a controlled burn in my home. So yes, and no. I don't like anything too floral or too strong. Just something that accents the air, like gingerbread or cranberry or cinnamon.
4. If you could have dinner with any celebrity, who would it be? Emma Stone. I think she's fabulous funny and I love her style
5. What is the last good book you read? I really loved the Hunger Games trilogy
6. Do you collect anything? How did you start? I collect snowmen. My mom and grandmother started the collection for me when I was young. I have about 50 of them.
7. Do you have a nickname? Buddy calls me... Buddy. Or Li'l Bud. Other nicknames are just variations of my name.
8. Zombies are attacking. Do you run or stay and fight? Cry? Is cry an answer. I'd like to say I'd fight, but I'm woefully unprepared for the zombie apocalypse and would more than likely become a human happy meal
9. If you had to spend $1000 on yourself, how would you spend it? Right now, clothes and jewelry. I'm so incredibly tired of my wardrobe and I need to add to my sample jewelry collection for my business.
10. What is your dream car? My Nissan Murano. Truly. I love that thing.
11. What color are your bathroom towels? Brown... boring and practical
Now for my questions:
1. What did you want to be when you were little?
2. If you could have any wild or exotic animal for a pet, what would it be?
3. What's your favorite article of clothing in your wardrobe?
4. Name a country you want to travel too and tell me why.
5. What is your order at Starbucks (or other coffee shops)?
6. What act would you want to perform in a circus?
7. Favorite breakfast food?
8. Describe your perfect date night.
9. Do you like silver or gold jewelry?
10. What is one hobby you wish you had more time for?
11. Would you rather bungee jump or sky dive?
Now for my lucky
1. btay
2. Jenn
3. Little Wonders
4. Kristen
5. happilyhomespun
Monday, February 13, 2012
Confessions
- You know that old wives' tale that the number of bows/ribbons you break at your bridal shower indicates how many babies you'll have? Yeah, I broke zero. At the time, I did it semi-intentionally in a "don't pressure me" act of defiance, but now it's just kind of weird.
- Sometimes, I think that maybe if we got married again, we wouldn't deal with IF again. I know it's not true, but I think it exemplifies my missing a time when this didn't weigh on our hearts. IF never crossed our minds on our wedding day, and I think I miss it for that reason (and also because it was a beautiful day).
- I've seriously considered Mirena just because then I wouldn't have the up and down of emotion each cycle. It would hopefully alleviate my PMS and also give me back some control in my life. If we're going to move on, I want to move on and have some consistency in my cycles. I'd also consider endometrial ablation along with Essure to hopefully eliminate menstruation completely at some point down the road. I feel like if my uterus isn't going to be occupied, I'm freaking done with this whole bleeding thing.
- When it comes to The Bump, I never feel like I fit in anywhere. We didn't try and fail at treatment. We're not actively TTC. We're just... done. With no IUI memories or stories of Buddy sticking me with needles or beta counts. My signature is relatively empty. I'm trying to pull away from the groups I know I don't belong to, but it's hard to just let go of all of it when there isn't another place to go where I feel I belong, no matter how welcoming everyone may be.
- Sometimes, I think that maybe if we got married again, we wouldn't deal with IF again. I know it's not true, but I think it exemplifies my missing a time when this didn't weigh on our hearts. IF never crossed our minds on our wedding day, and I think I miss it for that reason (and also because it was a beautiful day).
- I've seriously considered Mirena just because then I wouldn't have the up and down of emotion each cycle. It would hopefully alleviate my PMS and also give me back some control in my life. If we're going to move on, I want to move on and have some consistency in my cycles. I'd also consider endometrial ablation along with Essure to hopefully eliminate menstruation completely at some point down the road. I feel like if my uterus isn't going to be occupied, I'm freaking done with this whole bleeding thing.
- When it comes to The Bump, I never feel like I fit in anywhere. We didn't try and fail at treatment. We're not actively TTC. We're just... done. With no IUI memories or stories of Buddy sticking me with needles or beta counts. My signature is relatively empty. I'm trying to pull away from the groups I know I don't belong to, but it's hard to just let go of all of it when there isn't another place to go where I feel I belong, no matter how welcoming everyone may be.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Trucking Along
It's been an interesting few weeks. There's a lot of drama in our social circle right now. It's been awful and sad, and things are very uncertain for people we love, and that's disheartening. I've struggled a couple of times with our choice and my anger has shown and I've felt some shame over it. I think that's normal considering the gravity of life lately. I've arged with my mom about how her saying she "understands" this is insulting. We've had to set some new boundaries.
On the other hand, many great things have happened in our home. My craft room project is moving along with cleaning and organizing. Buddy bought me a tattoo symbolizing our struggle with IF and the bond it's fortified between us. Most days, I'm still in a good place with my "2012 has to be better than 2011" mindset. I deleted my baby stuff board on Pinterest - I felt I needed to let that go. Sure, there are days I'm sad, but overall, I just feel happy to be in a good place.
There isn't a whole lot to say - not much is going on, but I suppose that's a good thing. A month ago, I just wanted to be happy and live life, and I suppose that's exactly what we're doing. I'm moving away from things that are no longer fulfilling and replacing them with things that make me feel good. 2012 is going to see a very different Brooke than 2011 did, and I'm determined to take advantage of anything and everything that will bring happiness and peace to our home.
On the other hand, many great things have happened in our home. My craft room project is moving along with cleaning and organizing. Buddy bought me a tattoo symbolizing our struggle with IF and the bond it's fortified between us. Most days, I'm still in a good place with my "2012 has to be better than 2011" mindset. I deleted my baby stuff board on Pinterest - I felt I needed to let that go. Sure, there are days I'm sad, but overall, I just feel happy to be in a good place.
There isn't a whole lot to say - not much is going on, but I suppose that's a good thing. A month ago, I just wanted to be happy and live life, and I suppose that's exactly what we're doing. I'm moving away from things that are no longer fulfilling and replacing them with things that make me feel good. 2012 is going to see a very different Brooke than 2011 did, and I'm determined to take advantage of anything and everything that will bring happiness and peace to our home.
Monday, January 16, 2012
Shit Fertiles Say
I may or may not have spent my lunch break on Friday watching videos on YouTube called "Shit Girls Say," "Shit Guys Say," and their many iterations. Shit White Girls Say to Arab/Black/Asian Girls. Shit Christians Say to Jews. Shit Vegans Say. You should check them out. All hilarious, yet totally cringeworthy because I'm sure these are actually things the targets hear often. And I started to realize that someone needs to make one called, "Shit Fertiles Say." Even though I don't have a video camera and I'm not about to run out to get one, the transcript for such a video has been running through my head all weekend. I'm sure if you watch enough of the inspiration videos on YouTube you could imagine what it would look like. But here's my transcript.
"When are you guys having babies?"
"Are you propping your hips up?"
"You guys are doing it, right?"
"You have to get busy on the 14th day. Otherwise it won't work."
"My sister's friend's hairdresser's aunt's mailman was infertile and then they stopped trying and she was knocked up like that" ::finger snap::
"When are you guys having babies?"
"You should just adopt"
"Adopt"
"Adopt"
"You're selfish if you don't adopt"
"Maybe God doesn't mean for you to be a mom"
"Are you sure you're doing it right?"
"Ugh, he just breeeeathes on me and I get preggers."
"You want kids? Spend a day with my little terrors, you'll see."
"You know what you need? A vacation. Then you can relax"
"Relax"
"Relax"
"Relax"
"You need to get drunk and do it."
"Why would you do Clomid? It causes multiples. Like Jon and Kate."
"When are you guys having babies?"
"Ooooooh, you know who's pregnant? My 16-year-old cousin."
"Stop trying and relax."
"You can borrow my husband's sperm."
"If you were supposed to have a baby, you'd get pregnant."
"Obviously, it's just not your time."
"You'll never get pregnant if you don't relax."
"My sister tried for a long time. It took her like 3 months."
"Just do IVF."
"IVF"
"Stop trying"
"Reeeeeelaaaaaax"
"Worse things can happen."
"Are you sure you're doing it right?"
"I bet I know what the problem is.... you need to relax"
"When are you guys having babies?"
"Are you propping your hips up?"
"You guys are doing it, right?"
"You have to get busy on the 14th day. Otherwise it won't work."
"My sister's friend's hairdresser's aunt's mailman was infertile and then they stopped trying and she was knocked up like that" ::finger snap::
"When are you guys having babies?"
"You should just adopt"
"Adopt"
"Adopt"
"You're selfish if you don't adopt"
"Maybe God doesn't mean for you to be a mom"
"Are you sure you're doing it right?"
"Ugh, he just breeeeathes on me and I get preggers."
"You want kids? Spend a day with my little terrors, you'll see."
"You know what you need? A vacation. Then you can relax"
"Relax"
"Relax"
"Relax"
"You need to get drunk and do it."
"Why would you do Clomid? It causes multiples. Like Jon and Kate."
"When are you guys having babies?"
"Ooooooh, you know who's pregnant? My 16-year-old cousin."
"Stop trying and relax."
"You can borrow my husband's sperm."
"If you were supposed to have a baby, you'd get pregnant."
"Obviously, it's just not your time."
"You'll never get pregnant if you don't relax."
"My sister tried for a long time. It took her like 3 months."
"Just do IVF."
"IVF"
"Stop trying"
"Reeeeeelaaaaaax"
"Worse things can happen."
"Are you sure you're doing it right?"
"I bet I know what the problem is.... you need to relax"
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Clean Slate
I spent most of the last quarter of 2011 just wishing I could go to sleep and wake up in 2012. I wanted a new start, a clean slate. I needed to be able to put the year behind me - the year that was so full of heartache that it took me doing a month-by-month recap of the year on my family blog to remember that we actually did have some fun in 2011 (and we bought a house!).
And now, it's 2012. And, quite honestly, as cheesy or optimistic as it sounds, my slate really does feel clean. I've never really been big on New Year's Eve. I've never seen it as all that much of a new start. Until this year. I put it in my head that a new calendar year could mean a new attitude, a new set of memories, a new everything. And so far, the whole 4 days of 2012 have been far better. I feel more at peace, more ready to take on what this new view of life will bring. It honestly feels as though, for the first time, I could set my mind to how I could be, and it worked.
I started my year doing my first project for the big thing I'm excited for this year: my craft room. I painted an old dresser of Buddy's a brilliant purple to go with the color scheme I have planned for the room. I talked excitedly with Buddy (as opposed to at him) about the plans for the room and how we would build the workspace. He gets that the craft room is symbolic of accepting a new life-plan and finding a new way to be productive. Also, I think he's just happy to see me truly thrilled about something again and wants to do whatever he can to foster it. I feel incredibly blessed and hopeful for the first time in 6 months. I had no idea how much I'd allowed myself to be weighed down.
I know there are still going to be times when the world feels crushing and unfair. But the success of envisioning and (so far) achieving a new perspective gives me hope and determination that I can give myself a clean slate if and when I ever need one again in the future. I am welcoming 2012 with open arms and know that there's nowhere to go from here but up.
And now, it's 2012. And, quite honestly, as cheesy or optimistic as it sounds, my slate really does feel clean. I've never really been big on New Year's Eve. I've never seen it as all that much of a new start. Until this year. I put it in my head that a new calendar year could mean a new attitude, a new set of memories, a new everything. And so far, the whole 4 days of 2012 have been far better. I feel more at peace, more ready to take on what this new view of life will bring. It honestly feels as though, for the first time, I could set my mind to how I could be, and it worked.
I started my year doing my first project for the big thing I'm excited for this year: my craft room. I painted an old dresser of Buddy's a brilliant purple to go with the color scheme I have planned for the room. I talked excitedly with Buddy (as opposed to at him) about the plans for the room and how we would build the workspace. He gets that the craft room is symbolic of accepting a new life-plan and finding a new way to be productive. Also, I think he's just happy to see me truly thrilled about something again and wants to do whatever he can to foster it. I feel incredibly blessed and hopeful for the first time in 6 months. I had no idea how much I'd allowed myself to be weighed down.
I know there are still going to be times when the world feels crushing and unfair. But the success of envisioning and (so far) achieving a new perspective gives me hope and determination that I can give myself a clean slate if and when I ever need one again in the future. I am welcoming 2012 with open arms and know that there's nowhere to go from here but up.
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