Confirmed

As promised, Buddy had his blood tested last week for a myriad of things, including thyroid function, low testosterone, liver and kidney function, and cholesterol. The results, as suspected, showed low testosterone. Not quite as suspected was a high level of triglycerides. We can fix that - he's been exercising, we eat low carb. We'll just have to be more conscienscious and work with the doctor to get it righted.

What's not such an easy and clear cut answer is the testosterone. If TTC wasn't an issue, the treatment would be supplements, likely via injection. The problem is, when foreign testosterone is introduced, the male body stops producing it on its own, thinking the levels are high enough, and shuts down the factory. The result, generally, is a decreased sperm count. Clearly, with very low numbers already, this could be disastrous for conception. The fertility-friendly treatment is made difficult by our insurance options and isn't guaranteed to be successful, particulary with IVF off the table.

We find ourselves at a crossroads, one we feel we've been at - at least mentally - for a couple months. What do we do? I've researched the issue, but obviously I realize that only a doctor who knows Buddy's test results and medical history can weigh in on what they think will happen. Even that may only be an educated guess. Quite frankly, we don't know how we feel about moving forward lately. There was a time when we were all about fixing stuff and moving forward to pursue IUI. Now, we've had time to weigh the benefits of life without kids. Some of it is very appealing. Okay, a lot of it. We don't know how we feel about having to put so much effort into something that's supposed to be so easy, or if it's better for us to just let life happen. There's some mind changing going on, and there's also a defense mechanism kicking in.

I know nothing has to be a final decision, but I also don't know what to hope for, honestly. Right now, I'd rather have my lover back, my complete husband. I don't know where this will take us, but I know that things just got that much more tangled.