Monday, October 17, 2011

Will I Ever Grow Up?

This may not be TTC related, but that may be a welcome break from the focus on my ute and Buddy's swimmers. I've been thinking lately that it seems weird to be trying to have a baby. Weird, because it's such a grown up thing to do.

I remember thinking when I was young - like 14 "young" - that 30 was so old. Yet, here I am, 30 years and 3.5 months old, and I feel like I'm still a kid sometimes. I have a career, two dogs, and a husband. We've bought cars, furniture, a house and custom artwork. I've found grey hairs. I cook almost every night, wash sheets weekly, and mop floors. I have a life insurance policy. All the things "grown ups" do. Still, I think about some of those things and feel that I'm playing house in a way. Seriously, who let us buy a home? It boggles my mind sometimes that some bank lent me over $100K to buy a house. And I have a meal plan? That doesn't involve take-out? Who am I? Don't get me started on the whole being married thing. Don't get me wrong - I adore Buddy and I love our marriage, but sometimes, it's like, "I'm a... wife?!" There are times when it still feels like we could just be playing house... in a house. With a mortgage. And a sprinkler system. And a garage door. Eeek.

It makes me think about trying to have a baby and if that's what it will take for me to finally say, "yep, I'm an adult." I wonder if - if we ever have a baby - we'll leave the hospital with me thinking, "you're letting me take this home? I'm not old enough for this. Are you nuts?" I don't always feel responsible enough for a baby, despite the fact that Buddy and I have both taken care of ourselves for years. I know we'd figure it out - even without manuals - and we'd be fine, but I just wonder how long there will be a part of me that will think we're just kids ourselves.

Will I ever feel grown up? What's it going to take?


Bingqilin00 said...

I love this. I know what you mean.

FyreFry5 said...

I feel exactly the same way!