I spent most of the last quarter of 2011 just wishing I could go to sleep and wake up in 2012. I wanted a new start, a clean slate. I needed to be able to put the year behind me - the year that was so full of heartache that it took me doing a month-by-month recap of the year on my family blog to remember that we actually did have some fun in 2011 (and we bought a house!).
And now, it's 2012. And, quite honestly, as cheesy or optimistic as it sounds, my slate really does feel clean. I've never really been big on New Year's Eve. I've never seen it as all that much of a new start. Until this year. I put it in my head that a new calendar year could mean a new attitude, a new set of memories, a new everything. And so far, the whole 4 days of 2012 have been far better. I feel more at peace, more ready to take on what this new view of life will bring. It honestly feels as though, for the first time, I could set my mind to how I could be, and it worked.
I started my year doing my first project for the big thing I'm excited for this year: my craft room. I painted an old dresser of Buddy's a brilliant purple to go with the color scheme I have planned for the room. I talked excitedly with Buddy (as opposed to at him) about the plans for the room and how we would build the workspace. He gets that the craft room is symbolic of accepting a new life-plan and finding a new way to be productive. Also, I think he's just happy to see me truly thrilled about something again and wants to do whatever he can to foster it. I feel incredibly blessed and hopeful for the first time in 6 months. I had no idea how much I'd allowed myself to be weighed down.
I know there are still going to be times when the world feels crushing and unfair. But the success of envisioning and (so far) achieving a new perspective gives me hope and determination that I can give myself a clean slate if and when I ever need one again in the future. I am welcoming 2012 with open arms and know that there's nowhere to go from here but up.
6 comments:
I have had the exact same feelings and thoughts about the new year. I'm so glad you're feeling so hopeful and I wish you nothing but peace in the coming year!
Feeling fresh with a clean slate is a great feeling! I hope that 2012 is nothing but good to you!
Here's to a clean slate! Interestingly enough, my first new year's project was redoing my craft room too!
You do seem like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. Cheers to 2012!
It seems like you're a nice intelligent person but you act so defeated! The problems you and your husband have aren't insurmountable. You haven't even begun to put up a real fight. It seems to me based on your posts on The Bump and your blog that there's more going on than meets the eye. I have known many people with much more serious fertility issues who have gone on to have children. It wasn't easy or quick but they did it. For someone who acted like it was something she wanted so much, you seem resigned already? I don't get it. I hope 2012 brings you much happiness, no matter what your choices.
Anonymous, I don't feel like I come off as defeated. It's been incredibly calming and liberating to decide to move on and make the most of life as a family of two. And no, the issues we have aren't insurmountable, but there is nothing wrong with choosing not to fight the battle either. As I've said many times, every couple has to weigh all the information and make their choices. As long as Buddy and I have no regrets about our decision, it doesn't affect anyone else. I'm fine with the fact that you or someone else would handle things differently. Until you live in my head and carry my values in my heart, and are a part of my marriage, I don't think it's fair to judge our decisions.
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