Monday, April 30, 2012

Mother's Day Guilt

It's coming, whether I'm ready for it or not. Mother's Day. Once just a day to celebrate my own amazing mom, it's now a reminder of something I'm not celebrating. Actually, it's just like any other holiday over the last year, but this one is more painful somehow.

Holidays in general suck when IF is part of your life. My birthday, for instance, is now associated - at least for me if not anyone else since I don't expect anyone else would remember the significance of the date - with finding out about Buddy's MFI. Christmas, as a family-focused and magical-for-kids holiday, is a reminder that there aren't enough stockings hanging on our mantel. Thanksgiving reminds me there's something missing from my list of blessings. Halloween makes me think of all the cute themed costumes we could do as a family. Valentine's Day? Eh, don't really care about it between me and Buddy, but it was a day that my parents always made special for us and I had visions of pink-and-red-wrapped gifts and heart-shaped pancakes for my little loves. Pretty much any holiday on the calendar brings with it pictures from friends of cute kids in some kind of outfit and "baby's first _______" onesies.

Mother's Day is different. Last year at this time, we'd officially passed the one year mark, but we didn't yet know what was going on. I was down-hearted, for sure. Buddy got me a card from the pups and we got together with my parents. This year, I just want the day to be over with as soon as possible, and that comes with a special kind of guilt because we each have a great mom who deserves celebration and recognition. At Christmas, I felt okay asking for a little consideration - I wanted to be in my home where I was comfortable emotionally, and they obliged me. But this holiday isn't about me. It's about my mom and Buddy's mom. As much as I'd rather plant myself in bed with a pitcher of margaritas for the day, I want so badly to express to them both how much we love and appreciate them. I wish I could just say that we're going to go away for the weekend, but both our siblings live out of state and I can't bear to leave our moms without one of their children on their day. That's just not fair to them.

It's hard to feel so torn. I know what I will do - whatever our Moms want to celebrate their day - but my heart aches just thinking about how I feel left out. Normally, my mom and I would have made our family's Mother's Day plans by now (Buddy's family does things more on the fly). This year, I don't have the balls to bring it up, and I feel bad about that. I don't ever want to take away from anyone else because I hurt inside, but this one just sucks so much.


Amber said...

I don't have anything to say to make you feel better, but please know I'm thinking of you. And you already know this, but however you are feeling is perfectly ok for you. You shouldn't feel guilty.

Mrs.Slick said...


Unknown said...

Been there. Still am. :-(