Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Get me off this roller coaster

For the last 6 or 8 months, my cycles have consistently been 28 or 29 days. I can feel when I ovulate on the left (I seem to O more frequently on that side) and I have my pesky spotting for 3 or so days before CD1. This last cycle was different. I couldn't feel O, my typical pre-CD1 symptoms came and went and my cycle was 32 days with very little spotting on CD31. Not my typical cycle. Basically, for the few days I was "late," I was freaking out.

All sorts of things went through my head. We'd avoided when I assumed my fertile window would be (since I'm not on progesterone supplements and am worried about the possibility of miscarriage), but if my cycle was long, I was off on that and something could have happened. What if I was pregnant?  I just painted the craft room purple! It would have to be a girl. How would Buddy react? What about all the work I've done in therapy to be okay with childfree? What about financially? We could afford a baby, but not saving for a baby as of the last 6 months has meant more expendable income. Did I want to give up my pricier haircuts and our dinners out? I kind of like having money to spend on stuff for me. What about our plans for remodeling things in our home or finally having a vacation? A baby would mean that would get put off a while. What about insurance? My insurance sucks now, and maternity care would be so much more than before. I know we'd figure it out, but did we want to anymore?

And I realized something. I wasn't sure I wanted to be pregnant with a surprise. Over the last 6 months, I've come to a place where I enjoy life with my husband and we have new things to look forward to. We're having fun making plans to refinish the kitchen cabinets and reface the fireplace. We're enjoying things like gardening, and I'm focused on my side business and he has time to go dirt-biking. Life is good - something I couldn't have envisioned 6 months ago. I found myself incredibly confused. How could I have feelings like this when we'd been so devastated 8 months ago? When my cycle finally ended, I found myself relieved, and I knew it was time to do something.

We've talked about it off and on over the last few months. Hope is great, but it's also exhausting. Suddenly thinking for the first time in 8 months that there could have been a chance, slight as it may be, shot me back to our TTC days of hoping and hoping and then being let down. I hate the feeling. And so, I'm going to do something I read about in "Sweet Grapes," something to affirm our decision. At the same time, it's something that seems counter-intuitive to my grief. I'm going to the doctor and I'm inquiring about an IUD. I realized I'd enjoyed not having the ups and downs of TTC, and after being thrown back into it by three simple days, I wanted my serenity back. Yes, I'm still sad at not having children, but unless I - er rather, we - change our minds about this decision we've made, it doesn't feel fair to me to ride the emotional roller coaster anymore. I want certainty and consistency. If we're going to move on, I want to move on. I want some control. I'm confident that I want to focus on this to-do list Buddy and I have been building and working on. I'm relieved to be letting go of this part of it.


Kathy4678 said...

I love you for being so honest about all of this. <3

Katib77 said...

I can understand the comfort it will bring you. <3