Thursday, March 21, 2013

No longer screaming

** Loss mentioned (not mine) **


I wrote this almost exactly a year ago. It's incredible how far we've come. We're not without trials and heartaches, and there are certainly moments where I wonder if I will ever find my center again. But the good days far out-number the bad. I remember the time so vividly when I would cry silently at my desk literally every day over something and hope no one came looking for me. I won't lie. I get stuck on some things here and there. Certain thoughts cause a lump in my throat or put a damper on a day. But I am - over all - something I couldn't see myself being a year ago: happy. I am, truly. I feel a sense of purpose. I feel loved and secure in my marriage. I feel over-whelming support from family and friends.

One story feels especially poignant and representative of where I am now compared to then. Recently, a coworker, E - who had baby #1 through IVF - lost her spontaenous baby #2 at 20 weeks. She wasn't someone I'd ever really talked to. I sat near her, and was able to hear conversations she had about going through IVF for #1, but I was never actually introduced to her and so I never really talked to her. (I know. You're thinking this is weird. But this is coming from someone who didn't speak to her dorm neighbors until Halloween-eve because they didn't talk to me either. And then I became besties with them. I'm just weird with social stuff sometimes.) A coworker, S - with whom E shares a baby-sitter - had told me she lost Baby D because I'd asked HER (not the expectant mom, of course) only weeks prior if E was pregnant again after over-hearing a conversation between the two of them. E asked S to tell people at work about the loss so they wouldn't ask her when she returned to the office. For whatever reason, I decided to sack up and offer my condolences to someone I didn't even really know and I confided in E that while I didn't know about child loss, I knew the struggle of infertility and that I was just so incredibly sorry. And then we had, like, an hour-long conversation. About all of it, totally comfortably, just like I would with the girls of my Resolve group. I'm not sure of what her support system entails, but I got the impression that she hadn't been able to discuss the loss with someone who knew the IF side. I felt so thankful for the progress made over the last year that allowed me to put myself out there and be a comfort for someone else.

Point is, I no longer feel like I'm screaming. I'm sharing, shouting, informing. It feels amazing to be a year out from Screaming Underwater.