Home

Home. When I think about it, a couple of different places come to mind. However, when I really think of where I crave being when I'm away (like I am now), I think of our Home in Peoria, Arizona.

I was born and raised in Tucson, Arizona, and lived there until I went to college at Northern Arizona University in Flagstaff. That worked out for two years until I decided to transfer to the University of Arizona and change my major from optometry to accounting (I am SO exciting). I loved Flagstaff, but the break-up of my relationship with my high school boyfriend made it a painful place to be. I ran from it, quite honestly. My broken heart needed comforts only a hometown can provide. When I graduated from UofA, I moved to Scottsdale for my first job and lived with a friend. After I got more settled, I chose an apartment in northern Phoenix. I moved to a new apartment every year (sorry, Dad!) for the next three years until I settled - single for the first time in over 2 years - in Ahwatukee, a southern neighborhood of Phoenix. 

And then I met Buddy. We lived in Ahwatukee until March of 2011, when we bought our house in a northwestern suburb of Phoenix. We specifically looked in the area we did to get him closer to his work and to get the most house for our money - Ahwatukee was simply too expensive and the commute was miserable for Buddy. Even though leaving Ahwatukee took us 25 miles farther from my family in Tucson, it put us close to where we spent our time on weekends, with friends and his parents. It felt like the true start of our marriage, quite honestly, though we'd been married almost 18 months at the time.

When we purchased our home, we thought of it as a starter home. We chose which bedroom would be the nursery and knew that within 5-7 years, we'd be looking for a larger home to have enough room for the 2 children we imagined. Time and life have passed, and we now think of the house as our forever home. We don't debate whether bigger projects should be done - I used to have a fear about doing a big project and loving it and having to leave it. We both feel that will never be an issue - we both see ourselves staying in our home for... well, ever. We hate moving, love our home, and see no reason to leave. We're set.

The thing is - and it's funny that this topic came up on one of my private IF-related FB groups tonight - is that there's a part of me that wonders sometimes if someday I'll crave a totally new home. We chose this house as the place to raise a young family. I still sometimes think "this was supposed to be the nursery" when I walk into my office/craft room. Not every time, but the thought is there now and then. It doesn't knock me back or cause an aversion to the room. It just is. But if we had a home that was chosen and only lived in after infertility, after choosing childfree, would it be easier? That's the only reason I could think of to ever leave our home. To have a clean slate - a home with no kid-related dreams tied to it. A home where I wouldn't be thinking "this is where we were supposed to raise a family," but rather, "this is where I'll grow old with him." Can I have that in our home? I don't know. I think the "life should have been..." thoughts could follow us anywhere, if I allow it to. I'd rather stay - at least for a while - in the house we first shared as husband and wife and focus on that wonderful milestone in our home.

This post was prompted by Ginger's Bring Back the Words - go check out the other posts :)

The One Where You Find Out I Have Questionable Taste in Television

Pull up a chair, have a seat on the couch. One of Ginger's Bring Back the Words topics this week is favorite TV shows, and well, I'm more than qualified to discuss this one. I'm not sure you can say you learn a lot about a person based on their TV show choices, but I suppose it's possible. What does the fact that my tastes are almost equally divided between Food Network, trashy reality, and sitcoms say about me? You tell me.

In no particular order, my favorite shows:

The Big Bang Theory - LOVE this show. I love Sheldon in particular, as well as Penny. I'm not super geeky about it. I sing Soft Kitty and am familiar with Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock, but I don't have fan gear or anything like that. But I could watch this for hours on end.

Parks and Recreation - I forgot this one and had to come back and had it. I love April and Andy, and Anne, and Leslie. And Ben. And Tom. And Ron, of course. It's brilliant and funny and feel-good like little else on TV is.

Master Chef - I want to be on this one, but I have to work on my skills. I have a serious crush on Graham Elliot and love me some Gordon Ramsay. I just love watching people grow on this show and am always impressed by the volume of knowledge these home cooks have.

Chopped - another huge favorite cooking show, I really enjoy the adrenaline rush and creativity. Dan and I like to play our own little virtual home game. We'll ask each other what we would make with the basket (not that we'd necessarily even know how). On road trips, we'll name four random ingredients to try to stump each other.

Will & Grace - I loved Megan Mullaly as Karen and Jack was just the funniest, sweetest, sassiest character. I wanted to be his friend. It did eventually derail some for me, but early W&G was wonderful.

Toddlers and Tiaras - here's where things go downhill. I just adore T&T. I love the crazy moms, the whiny kids, and pageant judges, the props, and costumes. I giggle with delight when a mom says that her tantrum-throwing, screeching toddler just loves performing and being on stage. It's one of my favorite train wrecks.

Teen Mom - speaking of train wrecks, this little MTV offering is FULL of shenanigans. I admit I'm not sure how I feel about the cast of Teen Mom 3, but the first two were fantastic, in a "why am I watching this crap... WTF, Farrah?! Chelsea, you IDIOT!" kind of way.

The Office - I miss this show. So so much. Granted, most of the best episodes were before the departure of Michael Scott, but there was just something so endearing about this series from start to finish. I'd gladly watch a marathon any day.

Laguna Beach - otherwise known as "the beginning of my love affair with reality TV." I was definitely Team LC, and still am. There's something that captivates me about rich 16-year-olds who have absolutely no clue of the real world and consider "dunzo" to be a word. Loved it from minute one.

Wife Swap - oh, the awesomeness. You take an uptight, regimented, feminist upper-class mom and make her trade families with a submissive hill-billy wife with an affinity for burping contests and chili dogs and you get something amazing. LOVE.

Ace of Cakes - probably one of my super-faves, despite the fact that there hasn't been a new episode in well over 2 years. I have a crush on Chef Duff (how could you not, I mean, really?) and I just love his staff. They're funny, creative and talented, and I'd flip at a chance to learn from them for just a day. When I visited Baltimore with Buddy, I may or may not have hung out at the bar across the street for 2 hours hoping to catch a glimpse of Duff.

Other favorites that I just about never miss: Bar Rescue, Restaurant Impossible, Iron Chef, Deadliest Catch Honey Boo Boo, Dance Moms.

Okay, so when I said  "equally divided" up there to describe my tastes, I was delusional. I clearly have a strong attraction to reality TV.

Memories

One of the hardest parts about infertility for me is thinking about the things my husband is missing out on by not being a father. I see him with our dogs or with other people's children, and he is just so fun. He brags about how our pups follow him around doing yard work and talks about the funny things our friends' kids do or say.

One of my earliest memories as a child was playing baseball in the front yard with my dad. We had a huge yard that was divided into three spaces: grass in the very front, then gravel in the middle, and in inner courtyard where we had out patio table that we'd use to eat at in the summer. Don't think this was a sprawling estate, by any means - the house was barely 900 square feet with the addition my parents completed, but the yard was a kid's dream. It may not be as big as I remember, but for a young child, it felt that we had so much space and plenty of room to enjoy our swing set, tree house, and sand box. We didn't want for anything, when it came to a place to play. I was a tomboy, daddy's little girl, and I got a big red bat and ball for my 4th birthday. I would pitch to my dad and he would - of course - hit the ball clear from the grass in the front all the way to the house. I would make him crawl around the bases while I ran as fast as I could to retrieve the ball. He always let me win, as daddies do. I just had do much fun playing with him. He still talks about those games in the yard - they were obviously unforgettable and special for us both.

And yet it's those memories that also break my heart. I see so many of my dad's best qualities in my husband, I can't help but be assured that Buddy would be an amazing dad, too. The bright side is, I can see him - both of us, actually - being really special and fun people in our friends' kids' lives. It's one of the things we thought of when making our decision - we could still have an impact on children in our lives without being parents. My husband may never crawl the bases in our yard with his own daughter, but I hope he can be Awesome Uncle Buddy for kids we love.





I'm linking up with Ramble Ramble's Bring Back the Words... come join us!

Moving on up!

This past weekend, I met up with 7 of the other volunteers in my area for an appreciation breakfast "hosted" by Resolve. It was amazing to get to meet other support group leaders, help-line answer-ers and one of my fellow Walk of Hope 2014 planners. Did I mention that? I'm the co-chair for planning AZ's Walk of Hope in 2014! After breakfast, one of the other planners - who happens to also be a board member for Resolve - and I got to talk about our strategy for next year's Walk in terms of marketing and approach with the area's doctors. I'm so excited to be getting more involved in an organization and a cause I feel so much excitement for. Turns out, the plan is for me to help plan 2014, and take over as the lead in 2015. Ahhhh! Very exciting. And, even better, the planner/board member is looking to step down from being the coordinator for AZ volunteers so she can focus on her board member position. So she was thrilled that I was interested in taking the coordinator position.

This is truly my passion. It keeps me sane. It gives me a purpose. It turns something awful in our life into something beautiful. Resolve helps give other women and couples the gift I feel so blessed by, and I'd truly do anything to contribute to the cause. I've made it my goal to go to Advocacy Day in 2014, and now I have quite a few other things on my plate, and I could not be more thrilled.

Thank you, thank you, thank you to the 75 ladies I hold so dear for being such a support as I find my stride in advocacy. You've given me a confidence I can't repay you for :)

New Direction

I haven't blogged here in a while, not consistently at least. I haven't blogged anywhere, really (I have another blog, too). I miss it. My other blog, which I started when I was engaged to Buddy and became a chronicle of our wedding planning and life as newlyweds, doesn't really feel like home anymore. It started out so happy, and then infertility happened, and I came here to have a safe space to vent frustrations. I'm not either happy or sad all the time, and I still crave having a safe space, so this feels like the right place to stay. That said, infertility is not all I am. It's certainly a part of my life, but I have more to share than the bad stuff. So I want to make this place a spot where I talk about more of my life, but I can't deny that my view has been changed.

Thanks to Ginger, I feel a spark to get back into this, and I'll be starting to join in her link-up through her Bring Back the Words prompts.  I want to start talking more about my life in general, and not feeling like this place has to be so infertility-centric. I hope to make it a place where readers can get insights into me, and what life is like for me and Buddy after choosing childfree, all aspects included. I can't guarantee it'll be interesting, but there will certainly be more activity.

So, here goes. Why did I start blogging? Like I said, originally, I started my first blog to keep a record of our wedding planning, newlywed life, home buying, etc. My intention was that it would eventually become a family blog. It had room to grow. And then, it just... stopped growing. I felt like I had nothing left to say. I started this blog to have a space to talk about more private things, and to keep those private things off the radar from family and friends. This space connected me to other women dealing with the same things I was while providing me a little but of anonymity, especially when I felt a need to talk about people in my real life and my frustrations. Pretty plain and simple. It serves its purpose well. I tend to write when I'm emotionally driven to do so, and my new direction and vision for this space will hopefully get me back to where I started with my first blog 4 years ago.

I think the result of my activity on both of my blogs ties in to Ginger's second prompt: What's the best decision you've ever made? I've made a lot of good decisions in my life (leaving bad relationships, moving to Phoenix, marrying my husband, going to therapy when I felt I was being crushed by IF-induced sadness and uncertainty), but the decision to blog and open myself up to the world of the internet has brought me a lot of friendship and support. While I was blogging about wedding plans, I also ventured onto TheKnot.com's message boards. While some could argue that blogs and message boards are part of a virtual world of faceless strangers, they brought me friends I wouldn't have otherwise - people I talk to daily, in some cases. I gained new perspective, learned some etiquette I might have been an a-hole bride without, and gained friendships that continue to be meaningful and special to me. It's because of message boards that I even know our link-up hostess, Ginger (Brooke --> Temerity Jane --> Ginger, etc.), and a lot of my Twitter friends.

When I graduated from The Knot to The Bump when we started trying for a baby, I met even more people who became valued friends. The idea that I think we all had not long ago that the people in the internet aren't "real" or safe is gone for me. I have more friends there, it seems, than in real life. There's a bigger pool of people who have shared experienced than I have in my real-world social settings. I've traveled to meet and see people, been lifted up in support, and offered my help and knowledge to women all over the country. It's fascinating when I stop and think about it. Those relationships have been an invaluable part of my life. I'm thankful to be in an age where those barriers and taboos about meeting people online are quickly becoming a thing of the past. In many ways, I don't know what the last 3-4 years of my life would be like or where I would be emotionally if I hadn't started my first blog or ventured onto The Knot.

Join the Movement

When my husband and I were diagnosed with multiple fertility issues almost 2 years ago, it was a devastating time for us. It was heart-breaking and isolating. I felt that my husband’s diagnosis was particularly tragic – to be told at the age of 27 that he had less than a 5% chance of ever becoming a biological father shattered me as his wife. Infertility has affected the most private parts of our marriage, and is with us every day. I was – thankfully – fortunate to be a part of an incredible community online that provided love and support as we eventually came to the decision that we would choose childfree living as the resolution to our infertility. We were fortunate to have incredibly supportive parents, family, and friends. 

Not every couple is so lucky. Not everyone has the support of friends and family, and many people struggle in silence and/or lack of understanding. To the non-IF world, talking about these things is taboo, and there are misconceptions and hurtful opinions to endure frequently. There is a lot of pain, guilt, and isolation that 88% of the people we come across cannot even fathom. We have to teach people how to respond to us and how to be part of our support system. We have to tell law-makers how legislation can hinder and hurt us. We have to be the voices for our community, especially for those who struggle in silence. That’s why I’m Joining the Movement.

Being involved with infertility awareness and advocacy has been a big part of my healing, and it will continue to be as I get more involved. I’ve struggled a lot, especially early in our diagnosis. I admit I felt hard to find which way was up. It took the help of an incredible therapist to help me find my way – I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: she was the best gift I ever gave myself. There’s no shame in doing whatever one needs to do to get themselves on the right track when something like infertility threatens your dreams of a family. My hopes of making life as an infertile person a little better in society, a little easier on the wallet, and a lot more filled with love and support and understanding are what drive me. It’s something I want to do, but it’s also something I have to do. It’s how I feel fulfilled and happy and like I’m taking something awful and making it something good. Advocacy is my therapy. That’s why I’m Joining the Movement.

Each year, RESOLVE celebrates National Infertility Awareness Week with a blog theme, and this year, it’s Join the Movement. I am joining in because I have been touched by the support that RESOLVE helps provide through peer-led groups, the Walk of Hope, endless information on their website, and insightful discussions on social media. I’m joining the movement because of all the same reasons I chose to participate in the Walk of Hope. I’m joining because this is for US, where “us” is me and Buddy, our wonderful families and friends, the members of my support group, the friends who struggle alongside me in real life, and 75 very special ladies who’ve held me up for the last two years.

This is a screen shot from a video made to honor The 75 by one of its members, an incredible woman named Kati. This screenshot is about me. It brought tears to my eyes, right at my desk at work, the first time I saw it. They’re proud of me. Seventy-five strong, resilient, and beautiful women whom I’ve never hugged but who know some of the deepest parts of my soul, are proud. Of me. Seventy-five women I respect so very much. And it’s humbling. Because of their strength and support, I am strong.. Because they may be proud of me, but I’m 1,000 times more proud to know, represent, and be sisters with them. That's why I'm Joining the Movement.

Check out the Bloggers Unite Join the Movement posts at RESOLVE's NIAW page
Helpful links:
Infertility 101
About NIAW

NIAW 2013

National Infertility Awareness Week 2013 is only 6 days away! Below are status messages I've put together for Facebook, and you're welcome to borrow them. I plan to do one or 2 a day, and also plan to have spontaneous messages if a conversation is sparked in the comments or if someone asked something specific either publicly or privately. Last year, on the last day, I offered to answer any questions any one had. The only rules: be respectful and polite, and I'm free to refrain from answering something publicly (but will in a PM) if the answer is outside the guidelines Buddy and I have in place.

• Thursday, April 18^th: Sunday marks the beginning of National Infertility Awareness Week. This is an issue that is obviously close to my heart, but I also respect that it can be an uncomfortable topic for people. I understand if you choose to hide my feed this week, but I will assure you that you’ll learn something valuable. We all know someone dealing with infertility, and I hope to give facts, insight, and tips in hopes of helping my friends and family support others who’ve lost a piece of themselves to IF.
• Happy NIAW 2013! This is an important time for us as a community to raise awareness and allow our voices to be heard. Please feel welcome to comment and ask questions at any time. I’m fortunate to be part of an online community of amazing women with a huge variety of experiences, and they’re invited to jump in at any time with anything they feel willing to share. I only ask that everyone please keep conversations polite and respectful.
• Infertility is a disease that affects 1 in 8 American couples – roughly 12% of our population. Infertility is defined by the inability to conceive within 1 year of trying if the female partner is under 35. Over the age of 35, infertility can be considered after 6 months. Statistically, infertility is caused by a female issue in 30% of cases, a male issue in 30%, a combined issue in about 20% and the remainder of cases are unexplained.
• Testing to diagnose the cause of infertility involves – at the very least – blood work at two different and specific parts of the female partner’s cycle, a sonogram of the fallopian tubes, and a sperm analysis for the male partner.  The testing can be ordered by an OB/gyn, but the proper specialist to interpret the results, form the plan of action, and treat infertility (including through the prescription of Clomid) is a reproductive endocrinologist. Often in cases where male factor infertility is a concern, a urologist will be consulted. Consult with your OB/gyn or insurance company for providers in your area.
• Despite the fact that infertility is a disease of the reproductive system, very few patients have coverage through their insurance companies. Only 15 states mandate varying degrees of coverage, and employers are often able to exempt themselves through loopholes. This leaves most couples paying out of pocket for their testing and care.
• The cost of infertility depends on the treatment plan. Most infertility treatments involve hormones and/or other drugs for ovarian stimulation. These are often not covered by insurance and can cost anywhere from a couple hundred to a few thousand dollars per cycle. Intra-Uterine Insemination (IUI), which is a relatively non-invasive treatment, carries an average cost of $865, and generally gives only a 10-15% chance at success. In-Vitro Fertilization (IVF), which is an invasive surgical procedure involving anesthesia for the female partner, costs an average of over $12,000 for a single cycle, and this may not include the thousands of dollars in medications needed. Donor sperm, donor eggs, and a manual fertilization procedure called ICSI serve only to increase these costs, making infertility treatment a financial hardship and sacrifice for most couples. Surrogacy is reported to cost a couple as much at $100,000.
• There are a lot of misconceptions when it comes to infertility treatment. First, the goal is to create one baby, not multiples.  Stories like those of Octomom and Kate Gosselin are examples of irresponsible medicine and the ignoring of specialist advice. While certain procedures certainly raise the likelihood of multiples, this risk is carefully weighed against the goal to succeed with achieving pregnancy while not compromising the health of the mother or her potential fetus(es). Secondly, treatments are not always successful, unfortunately, and even with multiple rounds of IVF (which generally only comes with about a 40-50% success rate, at best), sometimes a pregnancy is never achieved.
• “Just adopt” and “adopt and you’ll get pregnant” are things that couples who struggle with infertility hear often from friends and family, and can be very hurtful. Adoption is not an easy road, and it can cost twice as much as a single cycle of IVF, depending on the type of adoption chosen. While it offers an opportunity to parent, it doesn’t cure infertility or address the associated feelings of inadequacy and loss of biological lineage. Everyone knows someone who knows someone who’s adopted and then found themselves blessed with a spontaneous pregnancy, but that doesn’t happen for the majority of infertile adoptive parents, and it certainly shouldn’t be a driving reason to pursue adoption. It is a very personal decision, and should be chosen as a positive end to a couple’s infertility and not viewed as a second-rate option.
• Choosing to live childfree is another valid positive choice as resolution to a couple’s infertility. Choosing childfree after IF means walking away from treatments and adoption, and embracing life with your partner as a family of two. While a couple is no longer going through the emotional roller coaster of treatment or the adoption process, there are still great losses, and they will be experienced throughout the couple’s lifetime. For insight on a couple’s personal experience choosing childfree after infertility, I highly recommend Sweet Grapes by Jean and Michael Carter as a great resource.
• Infertility is something that is often not understood by a couple’s family and friends. Even though 12% of the population is directly affected, it’s often not talked about, and so friends and family may say things that are minimizing, hurtful , or offensive to the couple without realizing it. RESOLVE offers many resources, including “Infertility Etiquette” and Q&A for friends and family. http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/