32 Candles

This past June, I turned 32. Solidly in my 30's. And it was honestly one of my best birthdays. On my actual birthday, I actually went to work- I usually take it off. We had dinner with friends at one of my favorite restaurants (don't laugh), Native New Yorker and spent our late evening watching movies and eating ice cream.

The day after my birthday was the most unexpected, wonderful surprise. It was the 2 year anniversary of the day we got Buddy's test results. It's a day that stays in my mind as an AWFUL day. The day after my 30th birthday was honestly one of my worst - it was just heart-breaking for us both. The day after my 31st, a somber day that I tried my best to not be ruined, but still felt "blah," no matter what I tried to make myself feel. But the day after my 32nd birthday - that was amazing.

Without my knowing, my incredible husband planned a surprise party for me. I had suspicions, but nothing was concrete enough to make me know for sure. He cleaned the house, shopped in secret, invited friends. He made enough food for 20 people under the guise of "well, we can freeze meals and make it into good stuff later." My own medicine, used against me. I even tried to call his bluff as a last ditch effort to learn his motives, changing into PJs and figuring he would never let me answer the door in my pajamas. I was wrong. He invited about 6 couples over and when I opened the door for the first, I was most definitely wearing a tank top and my cupcake PJ pants. He even had a friend make me a cake - in the same flavor of the wedding cake the day we got married. We hung out, drank, ate, and laughed all night. It was perfect.

I always bragged that I was too nosy and too sneaky to ever be surprised with a party, and the day after I turned 32, I was just about proven wrong. It was more than just throwing me a birthday party. Buddy knew the day after my birthday is difficult, and he did what he could to make it a day I'd remember for something good. And he was amazingly successful.

"WTF, seriously?" is the best tile I could come up with

I got a text a few nights ago that my sister was diagnosed with PCOS. Wow. It still feels a little surreal. What are the chances that two of us in one family would have issues? It made me hurt for her. I know how sad and scary it is to have a diagnosis that puts fertility and a baby in jeopardy. I felt angry that my sister would have to hurt. I fought back tears as I told her I was sorry and then I set to work. I called on my private message board girls and asked them what she needed to know. I gave her all the information I could - we had a two hour conversation about what she should do, what to expect. I gave her every bit of information I had so that she could get the best possible and most thorough care, so she could advocate for herself.

She made an appointment with an RE and even sent me a draft of an email to her new boss to critique regarding needing to miss time at her first week at a new job. And then yesterday, I found out she started fertility meds with a nurse at her OB's office who works part time at a fertility clinic. I panicked and felt punched in the gut. I know it's irrational, but I felt hurt, and shocked. Here I had armed her with everything I could, and I felt like everything I said went in one ear and out the other. I feel that she's not being diligent or responsible with her health, and it scares me. It makes me angry, with both her and her nurse. Fertility meds aren't a joke. They're not candy. There can be adverse effects. Not to mention, she hasn't had all the testing she needs - what they're doing could be risky to her health when they may only know part of the picture. I probably freaked her out, telling her again what she needed to do.

One thing that stands out is that my sister is very conscientious about what she puts in her body. She's an avid swimmer and runner, watches what she eats (albeit displaying some possibly disordered behavior at times), and seems educated on nutrition. And yet, she'll take drugs she knows nothing about, based on our conversations. When I was in New York, I overheard a conversation between her and my mom where she said she couldn't have protein powder with 5% RDA vitamin A in it because she was taking a prenatal with 100% RDA and that could be dangerous. Yet, a simple Google search led me to info that toxic levels of vitamin A result from sustained levels of 25,000 iu a day, something she'd be highly unlikely to surpass with just a protein shake and a vitamin. So while she's aware of what she's putting in her body, I feel she's misinformed, both when it comes to vitamins and when it comes to fertility drugs.

I feel like this shouldn't upset me. She's an adult. She can do what she wants. And yet, I feel it's the flippant prescribing and taking of fertility meds just like this situation that give fertility treatment a bad name, make it a joke, keep people thinking it's okay to take Clomid without proper care. And I feel snubbed. I gave her info because I care, not for shits and giggles. This isn't stuff I want to know. And then there's the stupid thinking that if she is successful going this route, she'll think I over-reacted. I don't feel I am. Actually, I know I'm not. I won't ever feel sorry for thinking she should go see an RE, complete testing, and do this responsibly with a professional who is trained and educated in the treatment of infertility. It frustrates me and makes me want to throw things. I feel strongly she rushed into this. I'm mad that her doctor/nurse/whatever isn't being a responsible professional by not referring her and insisting she go to the right kind of doctor. I feel like the sister I know would scoff at "she's a nurse at my OB who works part time at a fertility clinic." A nurse. Who works part time. Really? It just blows my mind.

I know I need to let it go. She's going to do what she and her husband feel is right, just like Buddy and I did. She's choosing a direction I wouldn't choose and I need to respect that. But I can't. I can't stop thinking about it and shaking my head and thinking "WTF, seriously?" I never expected this turn - for her or for me - and certainly never could have expected all these thoughts and emotions.

Home

Home. When I think about it, a couple of different places come to mind. However, when I really think of where I crave being when I'm away (like I am now), I think of our Home in Peoria, Arizona.

I was born and raised in Tucson, Arizona, and lived there until I went to college at Northern Arizona University in Flagstaff. That worked out for two years until I decided to transfer to the University of Arizona and change my major from optometry to accounting (I am SO exciting). I loved Flagstaff, but the break-up of my relationship with my high school boyfriend made it a painful place to be. I ran from it, quite honestly. My broken heart needed comforts only a hometown can provide. When I graduated from UofA, I moved to Scottsdale for my first job and lived with a friend. After I got more settled, I chose an apartment in northern Phoenix. I moved to a new apartment every year (sorry, Dad!) for the next three years until I settled - single for the first time in over 2 years - in Ahwatukee, a southern neighborhood of Phoenix. 

And then I met Buddy. We lived in Ahwatukee until March of 2011, when we bought our house in a northwestern suburb of Phoenix. We specifically looked in the area we did to get him closer to his work and to get the most house for our money - Ahwatukee was simply too expensive and the commute was miserable for Buddy. Even though leaving Ahwatukee took us 25 miles farther from my family in Tucson, it put us close to where we spent our time on weekends, with friends and his parents. It felt like the true start of our marriage, quite honestly, though we'd been married almost 18 months at the time.

When we purchased our home, we thought of it as a starter home. We chose which bedroom would be the nursery and knew that within 5-7 years, we'd be looking for a larger home to have enough room for the 2 children we imagined. Time and life have passed, and we now think of the house as our forever home. We don't debate whether bigger projects should be done - I used to have a fear about doing a big project and loving it and having to leave it. We both feel that will never be an issue - we both see ourselves staying in our home for... well, ever. We hate moving, love our home, and see no reason to leave. We're set.

The thing is - and it's funny that this topic came up on one of my private IF-related FB groups tonight - is that there's a part of me that wonders sometimes if someday I'll crave a totally new home. We chose this house as the place to raise a young family. I still sometimes think "this was supposed to be the nursery" when I walk into my office/craft room. Not every time, but the thought is there now and then. It doesn't knock me back or cause an aversion to the room. It just is. But if we had a home that was chosen and only lived in after infertility, after choosing childfree, would it be easier? That's the only reason I could think of to ever leave our home. To have a clean slate - a home with no kid-related dreams tied to it. A home where I wouldn't be thinking "this is where we were supposed to raise a family," but rather, "this is where I'll grow old with him." Can I have that in our home? I don't know. I think the "life should have been..." thoughts could follow us anywhere, if I allow it to. I'd rather stay - at least for a while - in the house we first shared as husband and wife and focus on that wonderful milestone in our home.

This post was prompted by Ginger's Bring Back the Words - go check out the other posts :)

The One Where You Find Out I Have Questionable Taste in Television

Pull up a chair, have a seat on the couch. One of Ginger's Bring Back the Words topics this week is favorite TV shows, and well, I'm more than qualified to discuss this one. I'm not sure you can say you learn a lot about a person based on their TV show choices, but I suppose it's possible. What does the fact that my tastes are almost equally divided between Food Network, trashy reality, and sitcoms say about me? You tell me.

In no particular order, my favorite shows:

The Big Bang Theory - LOVE this show. I love Sheldon in particular, as well as Penny. I'm not super geeky about it. I sing Soft Kitty and am familiar with Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock, but I don't have fan gear or anything like that. But I could watch this for hours on end.

Parks and Recreation - I forgot this one and had to come back and had it. I love April and Andy, and Anne, and Leslie. And Ben. And Tom. And Ron, of course. It's brilliant and funny and feel-good like little else on TV is.

Master Chef - I want to be on this one, but I have to work on my skills. I have a serious crush on Graham Elliot and love me some Gordon Ramsay. I just love watching people grow on this show and am always impressed by the volume of knowledge these home cooks have.

Chopped - another huge favorite cooking show, I really enjoy the adrenaline rush and creativity. Dan and I like to play our own little virtual home game. We'll ask each other what we would make with the basket (not that we'd necessarily even know how). On road trips, we'll name four random ingredients to try to stump each other.

Will & Grace - I loved Megan Mullaly as Karen and Jack was just the funniest, sweetest, sassiest character. I wanted to be his friend. It did eventually derail some for me, but early W&G was wonderful.

Toddlers and Tiaras - here's where things go downhill. I just adore T&T. I love the crazy moms, the whiny kids, and pageant judges, the props, and costumes. I giggle with delight when a mom says that her tantrum-throwing, screeching toddler just loves performing and being on stage. It's one of my favorite train wrecks.

Teen Mom - speaking of train wrecks, this little MTV offering is FULL of shenanigans. I admit I'm not sure how I feel about the cast of Teen Mom 3, but the first two were fantastic, in a "why am I watching this crap... WTF, Farrah?! Chelsea, you IDIOT!" kind of way.

The Office - I miss this show. So so much. Granted, most of the best episodes were before the departure of Michael Scott, but there was just something so endearing about this series from start to finish. I'd gladly watch a marathon any day.

Laguna Beach - otherwise known as "the beginning of my love affair with reality TV." I was definitely Team LC, and still am. There's something that captivates me about rich 16-year-olds who have absolutely no clue of the real world and consider "dunzo" to be a word. Loved it from minute one.

Wife Swap - oh, the awesomeness. You take an uptight, regimented, feminist upper-class mom and make her trade families with a submissive hill-billy wife with an affinity for burping contests and chili dogs and you get something amazing. LOVE.

Ace of Cakes - probably one of my super-faves, despite the fact that there hasn't been a new episode in well over 2 years. I have a crush on Chef Duff (how could you not, I mean, really?) and I just love his staff. They're funny, creative and talented, and I'd flip at a chance to learn from them for just a day. When I visited Baltimore with Buddy, I may or may not have hung out at the bar across the street for 2 hours hoping to catch a glimpse of Duff.

Other favorites that I just about never miss: Bar Rescue, Restaurant Impossible, Iron Chef, Deadliest Catch Honey Boo Boo, Dance Moms.

Okay, so when I said  "equally divided" up there to describe my tastes, I was delusional. I clearly have a strong attraction to reality TV.

Memories

One of the hardest parts about infertility for me is thinking about the things my husband is missing out on by not being a father. I see him with our dogs or with other people's children, and he is just so fun. He brags about how our pups follow him around doing yard work and talks about the funny things our friends' kids do or say.

One of my earliest memories as a child was playing baseball in the front yard with my dad. We had a huge yard that was divided into three spaces: grass in the very front, then gravel in the middle, and in inner courtyard where we had out patio table that we'd use to eat at in the summer. Don't think this was a sprawling estate, by any means - the house was barely 900 square feet with the addition my parents completed, but the yard was a kid's dream. It may not be as big as I remember, but for a young child, it felt that we had so much space and plenty of room to enjoy our swing set, tree house, and sand box. We didn't want for anything, when it came to a place to play. I was a tomboy, daddy's little girl, and I got a big red bat and ball for my 4th birthday. I would pitch to my dad and he would - of course - hit the ball clear from the grass in the front all the way to the house. I would make him crawl around the bases while I ran as fast as I could to retrieve the ball. He always let me win, as daddies do. I just had do much fun playing with him. He still talks about those games in the yard - they were obviously unforgettable and special for us both.

And yet it's those memories that also break my heart. I see so many of my dad's best qualities in my husband, I can't help but be assured that Buddy would be an amazing dad, too. The bright side is, I can see him - both of us, actually - being really special and fun people in our friends' kids' lives. It's one of the things we thought of when making our decision - we could still have an impact on children in our lives without being parents. My husband may never crawl the bases in our yard with his own daughter, but I hope he can be Awesome Uncle Buddy for kids we love.





I'm linking up with Ramble Ramble's Bring Back the Words... come join us!

Moving on up!

This past weekend, I met up with 7 of the other volunteers in my area for an appreciation breakfast "hosted" by Resolve. It was amazing to get to meet other support group leaders, help-line answer-ers and one of my fellow Walk of Hope 2014 planners. Did I mention that? I'm the co-chair for planning AZ's Walk of Hope in 2014! After breakfast, one of the other planners - who happens to also be a board member for Resolve - and I got to talk about our strategy for next year's Walk in terms of marketing and approach with the area's doctors. I'm so excited to be getting more involved in an organization and a cause I feel so much excitement for. Turns out, the plan is for me to help plan 2014, and take over as the lead in 2015. Ahhhh! Very exciting. And, even better, the planner/board member is looking to step down from being the coordinator for AZ volunteers so she can focus on her board member position. So she was thrilled that I was interested in taking the coordinator position.

This is truly my passion. It keeps me sane. It gives me a purpose. It turns something awful in our life into something beautiful. Resolve helps give other women and couples the gift I feel so blessed by, and I'd truly do anything to contribute to the cause. I've made it my goal to go to Advocacy Day in 2014, and now I have quite a few other things on my plate, and I could not be more thrilled.

Thank you, thank you, thank you to the 75 ladies I hold so dear for being such a support as I find my stride in advocacy. You've given me a confidence I can't repay you for :)

New Direction

I haven't blogged here in a while, not consistently at least. I haven't blogged anywhere, really (I have another blog, too). I miss it. My other blog, which I started when I was engaged to Buddy and became a chronicle of our wedding planning and life as newlyweds, doesn't really feel like home anymore. It started out so happy, and then infertility happened, and I came here to have a safe space to vent frustrations. I'm not either happy or sad all the time, and I still crave having a safe space, so this feels like the right place to stay. That said, infertility is not all I am. It's certainly a part of my life, but I have more to share than the bad stuff. So I want to make this place a spot where I talk about more of my life, but I can't deny that my view has been changed.

Thanks to Ginger, I feel a spark to get back into this, and I'll be starting to join in her link-up through her Bring Back the Words prompts.  I want to start talking more about my life in general, and not feeling like this place has to be so infertility-centric. I hope to make it a place where readers can get insights into me, and what life is like for me and Buddy after choosing childfree, all aspects included. I can't guarantee it'll be interesting, but there will certainly be more activity.

So, here goes. Why did I start blogging? Like I said, originally, I started my first blog to keep a record of our wedding planning, newlywed life, home buying, etc. My intention was that it would eventually become a family blog. It had room to grow. And then, it just... stopped growing. I felt like I had nothing left to say. I started this blog to have a space to talk about more private things, and to keep those private things off the radar from family and friends. This space connected me to other women dealing with the same things I was while providing me a little but of anonymity, especially when I felt a need to talk about people in my real life and my frustrations. Pretty plain and simple. It serves its purpose well. I tend to write when I'm emotionally driven to do so, and my new direction and vision for this space will hopefully get me back to where I started with my first blog 4 years ago.

I think the result of my activity on both of my blogs ties in to Ginger's second prompt: What's the best decision you've ever made? I've made a lot of good decisions in my life (leaving bad relationships, moving to Phoenix, marrying my husband, going to therapy when I felt I was being crushed by IF-induced sadness and uncertainty), but the decision to blog and open myself up to the world of the internet has brought me a lot of friendship and support. While I was blogging about wedding plans, I also ventured onto TheKnot.com's message boards. While some could argue that blogs and message boards are part of a virtual world of faceless strangers, they brought me friends I wouldn't have otherwise - people I talk to daily, in some cases. I gained new perspective, learned some etiquette I might have been an a-hole bride without, and gained friendships that continue to be meaningful and special to me. It's because of message boards that I even know our link-up hostess, Ginger (Brooke --> Temerity Jane --> Ginger, etc.), and a lot of my Twitter friends.

When I graduated from The Knot to The Bump when we started trying for a baby, I met even more people who became valued friends. The idea that I think we all had not long ago that the people in the internet aren't "real" or safe is gone for me. I have more friends there, it seems, than in real life. There's a bigger pool of people who have shared experienced than I have in my real-world social settings. I've traveled to meet and see people, been lifted up in support, and offered my help and knowledge to women all over the country. It's fascinating when I stop and think about it. Those relationships have been an invaluable part of my life. I'm thankful to be in an age where those barriers and taboos about meeting people online are quickly becoming a thing of the past. In many ways, I don't know what the last 3-4 years of my life would be like or where I would be emotionally if I hadn't started my first blog or ventured onto The Knot.